being a tutor.

my aunt asked me to teach her daughter math, to prepare her for the PSLE.

yeah, right. as if im qualified n patient enough to teach.

but im glad to do it, anyway!

the problem is, i dont know whether whatever that i teach will stick in her head until the end of this year.

another problem is, im the kind of person who cakap/exlain berbelit-belit. so, most of the time, people dont understand what im trying to convey.

the other problem is that, im not organized and do things right to the last minute.

like just now. i was supposed to be ready for my first lesson since last sunday. so i had, like, 6 days to prepare: set the materials, arrange them, determine which part of the lesson to start first, strategize..

it was ok, i guess. the thing is, my cousin ni da ada tuition dgn mendaki. n our 'appointment' is 2h 30 min after her mendaki tuition. takut dia lose concentration je..

ibunya pula semangat belikan assessment books. that's the other thing i worry about. she may not be rajin enough to carefully read those revision books and practise what she's learnt..beli buku assessment banyak2 tapi tk digunakan sgt buat apa??

so, it is my job to encourage n motivate her, n make sure that she does the exercises regularly.

other than math, im going to try teaching her english n science. not that im very good at both of the subjects.. n im trying to figure out the best way to teach her those subjects..you know, to get the info n facts into her long-term memory. and to make sure she understands the concepts and experiments..

i know i must help her. i will be guilty if i dont help her. yelah, kita ada kelebihan, tkkn nk simpan sendiri.. cuba ajar dan pass kemahiran yg kita ada kepada org lain..

i remembered substituting for ust faridah last year. she teaches at madrasah mingguan masjid abdul aleem siddique. one day, she was unable to come coz she was sick. i was suprised when she called me. yelah, tk pernah2.. dah lah me tk pernah mengajar budak2 luar. then, she told me pelajar2 tu semuanye remaja. haiz~~ so, me tanye ust macam2! didnt want to miss anything that might be important.

hehe~ gabrah pon ade jugak ah..

and so, hari tu: ok ar...weird jugak..tk kenal sape2 kt situ, except for satu kakak ex-sagoff ni. me sampai siang. sampai sana langsung tkde org..so me duduk kt bustop dulu. 15-20 min went by baru me masuk perkarangan wehdah balik. yep, kelasnye diadakan di bangunan wehdah..

errr... me malas ar nk cerita panjang2. kisah nie dah lama pon. so, dipendekkan cerita, it went ok. except for a few older n bored students who obviously came to kill time, the other students were 'sporting'. =) cakap pasal older students tu, diorang tu mat2 yang mungkin ibu2 diorang suruh dtg..jadi diorang duduk satu corner. i even said to the class, "sape yg tkde mood nk belajar, duduk kt belakang ye.. n buat hal korang sendiri."

kelas tu campur lelaki n perempuan, so diri ni agak teruji laaa.. tp me mmg sungguh tk heran pasal mat2 tu semua.. tp ada jugak pelajar lain yg cute! HAHAHAHAHAHA.. *ish! sampai ke situ plak kau ni!* pelajar perempuan ok je.. mmg ada la yg tk enthusiastic, tp gasak diorang la..

fyi, the class started at 8 am if im not mistaken (it was a SUNDAY! kena keluar rumah pukul 6 lebih!!!) n ada dua kelas. satu kelas pukul 8-10.30, lagi satu 10.30-1. ada termasuk rehat sekali ar... i liked the first class better. masa second class tu, me dapat berbual dgn pelajar2 perempuan pasal isu tudung, aurat.. it was good la.. i got to share my opinion n advice with them. i hope they got the message, even if it's little.

it was tiring of course, by 10 something, my voice became hoarse (or is it 'coarse'?? is there such a word?). fuyo! susah sey...nk kena cakap loudly so the students tk doze off.. nk kena dapatkn perhatian diorang pon susah jugak. haiz~~ frankly speaking, my classmates are better than them!

on that day, baru me betul2 sedar betapa susahnye jadi guru. yep. i can just imagine..

anyway, anyway, anyway... i hope i can make a difference by helping my cousin.. i hope i'll make a good job. *sigh* seriously, i still think this teaching stuff is not my cup of tea. i told my friends that!

a suprise card! ^_^

go here to view the card.

i got it from a good friend of mine =) =) =)

though the picture is umm..not 'suitable for my own viewing', the words ARE nice..

it's the thought that counts anyway!

thanks, my friend..!!

happy, happy جدا!!!

sorry people for my long absence. a lot has happened, of course: relite camp.. o level result.. my next move on the education path.. khatam quran.. an offer to do business.. tuition for my primary 6 cousin..

BUT!

im writing this entry now to announce that...

MY COMPUTER IS ARABIC FONT-ENABLED!!!!!!!!!!!! yey!!

hahahaha....you think my annoucement could've been something much significant n important?? nah~~

it's just that, i've been wanting arabic font.. and for the past..what? 6-7 years.. it was impossible. but now, i've found a way to enable the font!! plus, my brother had installed windows xp..so all i had to do was installing the complex scripts (hebrew, arabic etc etc).. n meddling some things..and voila! i got it! i got it!

sorry people, if you find my excitement a bit lame.. *i dont give a damn!*

ok, so..i'll write about the other stuff next time ya? i bet you've been wanting to know my o level result n all.. =)

Sahabat... :'(

" Shbt,
jika hari ini aku t'lalu gembira,
sedarkanlh aku dgn amaran2 Allah..
jika ku b'sedih tanpa kata,
pujuklh aku dgn tarbiah Pncipta..
jika aku lemah x b'daya,
ingtknlh aku dgn kehebatn syurga..
jika antara kita ada tembok yg memisahkn,
ajaklh aku meleraikn segera..
jika pernah hatimu t'luka,
luahknlh agr aku b'ubah..
& jika esk ku lena tanpa t'jaga,
iringlh lena ku dgn kalungan doa..
b'janjilh shbt,
ukhuwah kita utk slamany. "

sebuah sms yang me dapat dari seorang kawan... terima kasih, anti!

masya Allah~ twice i read it, and twice my eyes became teary. (the second time was in a bus.. nasib baik air mata tk keluar! tk ke paisey nanti..! setakat bergenang je...)

and as i read it again just now, and am writing this, with a secret garden song playing.. i feel sad, touched... terharu sangat sangat!

thanks my friend. terima kasih kerana sudi menghantar sms tu kt ana. even though i know very well that you are not the original writer of this sms, i appreciate it anyway.

you have no idea.

i didnt even reply. i just kept quiet.

someday, she will know how much i appreciate and cherish our friendship. i hope she will.

if it's not too late.

*teary eyes again*

this is it!

i didnt realise how long my msn conversation was until i scrolled down the previous entry! very long indeed! hmmm...sorry people if you found it 'melecehkan dan menyakitkan mata' to read it..


so, the rumour is true after all..now i can wait peacefully for the day - the MOMENT - to come.



yep.


i can wait. yet i CANT wait.. how's that??

nervous?


-wrecked???


scared?


worried?


anxious?


want to run away?


bury yourself and not face it?


what the heck!


no, no, no! you shouldnt be feeling all that. calm yourself dude! the worst will be over soon..


*s.i.l.e.n.t. p.r.a.y.e.r.*

i know You are with me in this.
let me be strong.
if im sad, dont let the sadness stay too long.
make it go away.
if im heartbroken and depressed, dont let it linger too long.
make it fade away.

whatever the outcome,
i know You've answered my prayer well,
with wisdom and knowledge.
coz You're the All-knowing, All-seeing.
And i know it's for the best.
for my own good.
a blessing in disguise.



~ ~ ~ i dont want to break down, and cry ~ ~ ~

a piece of answer..

alhamdulillah~~ i believe Allah has finally shown me the way. i mean, not totally 'finally'... it's more like i've been given the first 'clue' as to where im going to pursue my studies... get my point?

*one option's been crossed off*

you know, it's been VERY VERY VERY VERY hard for me to even think for a minute or two about where im going to pursue my studies. so most of the time, i try to avoid the subject. as days went by - since i finished my o level exams - it got more n more difficult for me to answer the most popular question of all: "nak sambung kt mana?"

so, i've set my standard answer to that: "belum tahu lagi." though i get sick myself for answering that answer. i mean, i kept thinking - and still am - "are you sure you dont know?? you dont have any idea??? well, then, if you dont, YOU BETTER ACT NOW! sampai bila kau nak cakap 'belum tahu lagi'... dont just sit and wait!" yeah...i feel hopeless sometimes.. thinking about this..

of course, i've prayed, 've been praying..and pleading..that Allah will guide me and show me the way.. what's His choice for me..where's the best place for me.. although.... - im not ashamed to say this - although sometimes i get tired and discouraged..and hopeless again. i try not to complain..i know this is the devil's work, trying to make me lose my faith, inconsistent in praying..but im not giving up. not giving in.

i cried, yes. as i said, it's HARD for me..in this situation..

and sometimes, i feel that im not putting much effort. you know.."doa tapi tk berusaha, tk berguna!".. maybe im not finding the answer hard enough. i should've surfed the net..checked out schools..done a few surveys and enquiries..much earlier. but, i just didnt have the mood or enthusiasm to do so. but im not a total lazy bum ok? nor do i "menantikan nasi disajikan ke mulut"!

i've laid out a few options. just a few. but now it seems like i have none. hey! im not saying that i DONT have any options left a.k.a clueless, but it just seems like it. or feel like it.

you see, my main problem here is INTEREST and STUDY. im such a GODDAMN boring person, "SUNGGUH JUMUD, BEKU!", that i dont know what im actually interested in and that includes what course of study i want to do. i keep saying - or aking: "WHAT DO I WANT? WHAT DO I LIKE? DONT I HAVE ANY CLUE?"

and im worried that i - or rather, my parents - will not have enough money to send me to a good insitution. what about scholarships, you ask? "kan anti pandai..you have the brains n talents.. result mesti bagus punye.." yeah, right! WHAT IF someone else deserves it more than i do? WHAT IF i dont meet the requirements? WHAT IF the scholarship people think that my parent earns enough - or more than enough - to support my studies? WHAT IF i dont get a good o level result? WHAT IF the due date for application has come and gone?

money, money, money...even though i've been saving up since secondary 1 or 2.. i still dont have enough money. coz the money's been spent somewhere else.. but NOT for selfish reasons, ok?! hmmm.. when i think again, maybe i should've tied myself, prevented myself totally from a few treats and stuff. i shouldnt have spent NOTHING for myself. that would've saved some of the money. but still... i have responsibilities. i cannot be selfish. i must help my family. im a good girl, aint i? i must help. i cannot keep my money hidden when my parents are financially troubled.. hmmm..so i guess, my savings all those years couldnt help me pay my registration fee, let alone tuition fees!...


OH HECK! WHAT HAVE I BLABBERED HERE??!! i dont want to complain..i dont want to sound like im complaining..or seeking sympathy..IM NOT! i just writing this so i can be more acceptable of it.. so i know my own tangled feelings, long stashed somewhere in my head.

there's more..but im writing nothing else about WHAT I FEEL, WHAT I THINK coz im lost for words. you should know by now that im not good at describing, putting my feelings and thoughts into words. that's why my essays are never good enough.

anyway, enough self-pity! read the conversation below if you want to know how i got my first clue. it was between me and my senior, on sunday. night.


[SORRY, THE CONVERSATION HAS BEEN DELETED UPON REQUEST]


and so, i've made a decision not to go to IIS. i've asked Allah to "tetapkan hati ini bila Engkau telah menunjukkan jawapannya, agar aku tidak berubah hati, tidak dipengaruhi oleh bisikan syaitan yang sentiasa ingin menanamkan keraguan..." as im writing this, i still stand firm to my decision. and im praying that Allah will show me more 'clues' leading to the final answer..


"Ya Allah, jika jawapanMu hampir atau sudah berada di hadapanku, maka terangkanlah mataku dan hatiku untuk melihatnya..."

no, no, NO! IT CAN'T BE!!

i've just read aszafirah's latest entry.

she wrote that the results are coming out THIS monday! THIS COMING MONDAY!

I. DONT. BELIEVE. IT.

nope...im soooo not believing it.

well, she wrote that 'we' have received the pincodes. who the hell is 'we'?? maybe she and her classmates have got the pincodes, coz I sure havent!

you see, there's been rumours flying around since january. some say it's on the 6th, 10th, 15th... the usual date is somewhere in late february n early march, right?? but i dont deny that maybe the results are coming out early coz the jcs/polytechnics admissions are now early too...right??

anyway, when i saw the word "this monday"...suddenly, there was a knot in my stomach, and there still is. there's a bit of adrenaline rush too...suddenly i was scared. a bit. and nervous. haiz~ i wonder if i'll be able to sleep on the eve of the BIG day... ?_?

whenever the BIG day is, it is going to come and go. i am going to receive my result slip, no matter if i try to jinx it away or something.. and i am going to face the ultimate truth.

prepare for the worst.