Saya mahu sematkan kata-kata ini

Aras tertinggi dalam persahabatan adalah Itsar - melebihkan sahabat daripada diri sendiri. Aras paling rendah pula adalah bersangka baik dan berlapang dada. Andai tiada sangka baik, maka akan musnahlah hubungan persahabatan itu.


mukasurat 231, "Sinergi", oleh Hilal Asyraf, terbitan Galeri Ilmu.
Terasa dekat, kematian itu.

Baru dapat berita daripada mak - sepupu mak, yang lebih muda darinya, meninggal dunia; pukul 10 lebih malam tadi. terjatuh semasa berada di dalam tandas.

Rasa bersalah kalau diri ni rasa gembira, rasa mahu ketawa. sekarang bukan masanya!

Teringat Januari.. nenek Hasnah meninggal dunia. Teringat Januari tahun lalu.. nenek Fatimah meninggal dunia.

Mak terkesima. Liyana pun.

Memang Allah ambil balik nyawa bila2 sahaja.

3 more books to my personal collection

So yesterday I was at the Halal 2011 at Expo hall 5A, and I couldn't resist going to the sale next door, at hall 5B.. which is.. none other than The Popular Book Saleee..!

It was obviously of a smaller scale than the one back in December at Suntec City, but it was fine with me. Here, books were on sale for $10, $15 or 30% off. Most were old titles and non-fiction books. (Oh, there was a section called '10 books for $10', which made me go CraZyy, but only briefly, coz I immediately found out the range of books was not my taste. heh.)

I scoured the tables at the non-fiction books area, hoping to see Greg Mortenson's books or Atlas of the World (like the one offered by The Folio Society, in March's NG mag, which I decided not to buy coz I don't think I will be buying the extra 4 books). But then again, I was not looking for anything specific, really. In the end, I bought 3 books. I must say, I immediately grabbed each one of 'em upon laying my eyes on the title.





2 reference books and 1 is a fiction by Ken Follett. I first heard his name on the Oprah show, when she was recommending The Pillars of The Earth. So at that moment I thought, "wow.. this book must be something." And thus, the author's works must be something too. So I am glad I got my hands on the sequel, despite not having read Pillars. If the story is reeeeaally good, I will let y'all know =)

The other books are about the history of mountaineering and women in history. I have never heard of The Alpine Club before, so I am looking forward to know how it was conceived, who are the people in it, plus the milestones in the field of mountaineering. General knowledge laahh..

The synopsis on the book jacket says that The Alpine Club was the world's first mountaineering club, and is Britain's only national club for Alpinists. Its history is the history of British mountaineering, and its story is the story of those with a passion for adventure who accomplished extraordinary feats againts the odds. Since the Alpine Club was founded in 1857 its members have been at the leading edge of worldwide mountaineering development and exploration.

Historica's Women, I just flipped thru.. I noticed that the 1000 years of history revolved mostly around European/American women. I can understand why this is so - I suppose their records were well-documented, as compared to their Asian counterparts in the same time or era.





Thick, aren't they? I think I will still not finish 'em next March (except for World Without End. hee)

Twister in a bottle

Was looking absently at the PBS with 0.05% Tween being mixed, when I realised that the magnetic stirrer was spinning faster than usual. And, oh! the stirring liquid looks like a twister. But contained in a bottle. *imagine if a real twister hits Singapore! shiverss*


I guess I miss writing in here. I used to write about what I did, what I saw and read, whom I was with, what piques my interest, didn't I? When I was younger.

Now, I don't write. I don't talk. Sometimes, I think I've reduced myself to a silent person. Only sometimes. Coz most of the time, I still enjoy talking with others. Yet most of the time, I prefer to listen.

Days.. months.. have whizzed past me. And I recorded little. 2010 has very few records, but there were quite a few memories. I am sad, because I may lose these memories. I don't know why, but for quite a while now, I feel I should be saving as many memories as I could, as though something would happen to me and I would forget. Or maybe it's because, it has dawned to me that as I age, I will forget certain events that happened in the past - big and small episodes that meant a lot to me once. Or maybe, it's because I don't want my heart to feel empty when I reach 40, 50, 60..

I do not want to forget.

I miss sharing stories and opinions with someone. But I have none. Nothing worthy.

I guess this is what happens when you spend too much time with yourself.
I need to surround myself with soleh people. In soleh environment.

Ugly

I closed my eyes and muttered, "astaghfirullah.."

Immediately I heard a senior say, "Liyana ngantuk, eh." (or somewhere along that line)

I opened my eyes and smiled.

The truth is, I was not sleepy. Or maybe I was, a bit, but I did not close my eyes because they were tired and sleepy.










I was trying to block something from my mind.












An image. A horrible one, in my opinion.

One of many, that have been appearing so suddenly in my head. On and off. Sometimes, I may be thinking about something, or subconsciously thinking about a particular thing, or my thoughts drift from its original point, and then, a nasty image, or an inappropriate thought would surface.

It would catch me off-guard. And I would close my eyes and whisper istighfar to myself. Or, shout at myself (no, Liyana!!), or moan (noo... please stop..). Feeling guilty that these bad things are in my head. Feeling shameful of myself because I did not try hard enough to block them off or because sometimes, I actually enjoyed that thought or image for two seconds or three. Feeling frustrated because it keeps popping up.

I would feel helpless when this happens.

Of course, this morning I had no time to feel helpless because I was busy listening to the programme flow (which I thought, "whyyy do they take soO long on one item?". Hmm.. I have forgotten what it is like to organise something, scrutinize every little detail, and be in a indecisive, round-a-bout state), fishing for ideas for tadzkirah (which I ended up not doing because I could not bring myself to say things I do not mean), and worrying for the logs team (well, it was more like I was floating between worried and not worried).

These images have taken a particular theme, for the past few months. And I am beginning to feel very disturbed at how frequent they appear. They make me feel dirty on the inside.

Nobody can help me in this. Only I can. Certain things just cannot be fixed, assured, relieved by others. Certain things are just my own battle. Mine only. I am feeling lonely. I am feeling sad, I am scared to my wits, because I am alone to fight this.

I have to accept that certain things, are just between me and Allah. I seek His help, to cure me inside. I must never ever stop seeking His help. Because if I do, I will destroy myself.






Remember this, Liyana, ok? Remember what you have just written.

An awesommmmee surprise in the mail

I just. have. to blog about this!

So, 20 minutes ago, I went downstairs to check the mailbox. Fuhh.. It was full. Among the mails was a package. Addressed to me. The first thing I thought was, "eh? I didnt buy anything from China. Could it be wrong addressee..??" (at the same time, I thought, "takkan orang yang buat online purchase boleh terkasi salah info ?)

Maybe, my brother or mum bought something. Maybe kak Maya did?



After comtemplating for a few minutes (including knocking on Bro's bedroom door to ask if he bought anything online), I decided to open the package. While tearing open the white plastic, mum was saying, "maybe it is from someone. a gift", to which I replied, "nah.. couldn't be. if it is a gift, there should be a note or something." (and, who on earth would send me something from CHINA...??)

OK, pause a bit. I kept saying China because the mail stamp has chinese characters on it. Oh, and the green label says "Jacket".

So, the jacket is black. I fingered it carefully, coz suspicious of the material. I looked at the tag at the neck line. "100% polyester". *HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF* Then, I held it up.

OH. MY. GOD.

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD..!!!!!! (yes, I actually jumped in joy. in front of mum and dad)

It's National Geographic...!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....!! I can't believe it!



It immediately struck me that I got this gift because I signed up for the magazine's monthly subscription. Heee.. that was in December last year, on the last day of Popular Book Sale.

Oh my.. I am feeling elatedddd.. though calmer now. haha.. it was like hitting a million dollars or something! (but if that happens, I would've continued jumping and not blog til waaayyyy later. heh.)

Alhamdulillaaaaaahh.. ^______________^ *BIG SMILE to myself*

Article - Past Medical Testing on Humans Revealed

I just hafta archive this article. And share it with y'all. It is from Yahoo! News, dated 28 Feb 2011.
---------------------------

AP IMPACT: Past medical testing on humans revealed
By MIKE STOBBE, AP Medical Writer Mike Stobbe, Ap Medical Writer – Sun Feb 27, 6:46 pm ET


ATLANTA – Shocking as it may seem, U.S. government doctors once thought it was fine to experiment on disabled people and prison inmates. Such experiments included giving hepatitis to mental patients in Connecticut, squirting a pandemic flu virus up the noses of prisoners in Maryland, and injecting cancer cells into chronically ill people at a New York hospital.

Much of this horrific history is 40 to 80 years old, but it is the backdrop for a meeting in Washington this week by a presidential bioethics commission. The meeting was triggered by the government's apology last fall for federal doctors infecting prisoners and mental patients in Guatemala with syphilis 65 years ago.

U.S. officials also acknowledged there had been dozens of similar experiments in the United States — studies that often involved making healthy people sick.

An exhaustive review by The Associated Press of medical journal reports and decades-old press clippings found more than 40 such studies. At best, these were a search for lifesaving treatments; at worst, some amounted to curiosity-satisfying experiments that hurt people but provided no useful results.

Inevitably, they will be compared to the well-known Tuskegee syphilis study. In that episode, U.S. health officials tracked 600 black men in Alabama who already had syphilis but didn't give them adequate treatment even after penicillin became available.

These studies were worse in at least one respect — they violated the concept of "first do no harm," a fundamental medical principle that stretches back centuries.

"When you give somebody a disease — even by the standards of their time — you really cross the key ethical norm of the profession," said Arthur Caplan, director of the University of Pennsylvania's Center for Bioethics.

Some of these studies, mostly from the 1940s to the '60s, apparently were never covered by news media. Others were reported at the time, but the focus was on the promise of enduring new cures, while glossing over how test subjects were treated.

Attitudes about medical research were different then. Infectious diseases killed many more people years ago, and doctors worked urgently to invent and test cures. Many prominent researchers felt it was legitimate to experiment on people who did not have full rights in society — people like prisoners, mental patients, poor blacks. It was an attitude in some ways similar to that of Nazi doctors experimenting on Jews.

"There was definitely a sense — that we don't have today — that sacrifice for the nation was important," said Laura Stark, a Wesleyan University assistant professor of science in society, who is writing a book about past federal medical experiments.

The AP review of past research found:

_A federally funded study begun in 1942 injected experimental flu vaccine in male patients at a state insane asylum in Ypsilanti, Mich., then exposed them to flu several months later. It was co-authored by Dr. Jonas Salk, who a decade later would become famous as inventor of the polio vaccine.

Some of the men weren't able to describe their symptoms, raising serious questions about how well they understood what was being done to them. One newspaper account mentioned the test subjects were "senile and debilitated." Then it quickly moved on to the promising results.

_In federally funded studies in the 1940s, noted researcher Dr. W. Paul Havens Jr. exposed men to hepatitis in a series of experiments, including one using patients from mental institutions in Middletown and Norwich, Conn. Havens, a World Health Organization expert on viral diseases, was one of the first scientists to differentiate types of hepatitis and their causes.

A search of various news archives found no mention of the mental patients study, which made eight healthy men ill but broke no new ground in understanding the disease.

_Researchers in the mid-1940s studied the transmission of a deadly stomach bug by having young men swallow unfiltered stool suspension. The study was conducted at the New York State Vocational Institution, a reformatory prison in West Coxsackie. The point was to see how well the disease spread that way as compared to spraying the germs and having test subjects breathe it. Swallowing it was a more effective way to spread the disease, the researchers concluded. The study doesn't explain if the men were rewarded for this awful task.

_A University of Minnesota study in the late 1940s injected 11 public service employee volunteers with malaria, then starved them for five days. Some were also subjected to hard labor, and those men lost an average of 14 pounds. They were treated for malarial fevers with quinine sulfate. One of the authors was Ancel Keys, a noted dietary scientist who developed K-rations for the military and the Mediterranean diet for the public. But a search of various news archives found no mention of the study.

_For a study in 1957, when the Asian flu pandemic was spreading, federal researchers sprayed the virus in the noses of 23 inmates at Patuxent prison in Jessup, Md., to compare their reactions to those of 32 virus-exposed inmates who had been given a new vaccine.

_Government researchers in the 1950s tried to infect about two dozen volunteering prison inmates with gonorrhea using two different methods in an experiment at a federal penitentiary in Atlanta. The bacteria was pumped directly into the urinary tract through the penis, according to their paper.

The men quickly developed the disease, but the researchers noted this method wasn't comparable to how men normally got infected — by having sex with an infected partner. The men were later treated with antibiotics. The study was published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, but there was no mention of it in various news archives.

Though people in the studies were usually described as volunteers, historians and ethicists have questioned how well these people understood what was to be done to them and why, or whether they were coerced.

Prisoners have long been victimized for the sake of science. In 1915, the U.S. government's Dr. Joseph Goldberger — today remembered as a public health hero — recruited Mississippi inmates to go on special rations to prove his theory that the painful illness pellagra was caused by a dietary deficiency. (The men were offered pardons for their participation.)

But studies using prisoners were uncommon in the first few decades of the 20th century, and usually performed by researchers considered eccentric even by the standards of the day. One was Dr. L.L. Stanley, resident physician at San Quentin prison in California, who around 1920 attempted to treat older, "devitalized men" by implanting in them testicles from livestock and from recently executed convicts.

Newspapers wrote about Stanley's experiments, but the lack of outrage is striking.

"Enter San Quentin penitentiary in the role of the Fountain of Youth — an institution where the years are made to roll back for men of failing mentality and vitality and where the spring is restored to the step, wit to the brain, vigor to the muscles and ambition to the spirit. All this has been done, is being done ... by a surgeon with a scalpel," began one rosy report published in November 1919 in The Washington Post.

Around the time of World War II, prisoners were enlisted to help the war effort by taking part in studies that could help the troops. For example, a series of malaria studies at Stateville Penitentiary in Illinois and two other prisons was designed to test antimalarial drugs that could help soldiers fighting in the Pacific.

It was at about this time that prosecution of Nazi doctors in 1947 led to the "Nuremberg Code," a set of international rules to protect human test subjects. Many U.S. doctors essentially ignored them, arguing that they applied to Nazi atrocities — not to American medicine.

The late 1940s and 1950s saw huge growth in the U.S. pharmaceutical and health care industries, accompanied by a boom in prisoner experiments funded by both the government and corporations. By the 1960s, at least half the states allowed prisoners to be used as medical guinea pigs.

But two studies in the 1960s proved to be turning points in the public's attitude toward the way test subjects were treated.

The first came to light in 1963. Researchers injected cancer cells into 19 old and debilitated patients at a Jewish Chronic Disease Hospital in the New York borough of Brooklyn to see if their bodies would reject them.

The hospital director said the patients were not told they were being injected with cancer cells because there was no need — the cells were deemed harmless. But the experiment upset a lawyer named William Hyman who sat on the hospital's board of directors. The state investigated, and the hospital ultimately said any such experiments would require the patient's written consent.

At nearby Staten Island, from 1963 to 1966, a controversial medical study was conducted at the Willowbrook State School for children with mental retardation. The children were intentionally given hepatitis orally and by injection to see if they could then be cured with gamma globulin.

Those two studies — along with the Tuskegee experiment revealed in 1972 — proved to be a "holy trinity" that sparked extensive and critical media coverage and public disgust, said Susan Reverby, the Wellesley College historian who first discovered records of the syphilis study in Guatemala.

By the early 1970s, even experiments involving prisoners were considered scandalous. In widely covered congressional hearings in 1973, pharmaceutical industry officials acknowledged they were using prisoners for testing because they were cheaper than chimpanzees.

Holmesburg Prison in Philadelphia made extensive use of inmates for medical experiments. Some of the victims are still around to talk about it. Edward "Yusef" Anthony, featured in a book about the studies, says he agreed to have a layer of skin peeled off his back, which was coated with searing chemicals to test a drug. He did that for money to buy cigarettes in prison.

"I said 'Oh my God, my back is on fire! Take this ... off me!'" Anthony said in an interview with The Associated Press, as he recalled the beginning of weeks of intense itching and agonizing pain.

The government responded with reforms. Among them: The U.S. Bureau of Prisons in the mid-1970s effectively excluded all research by drug companies and other outside agencies within federal prisons.

As the supply of prisoners and mental patients dried up, researchers looked to other countries.

It made sense. Clinical trials could be done more cheaply and with fewer rules. And it was easy to find patients who were taking no medication, a factor that can complicate tests of other drugs.

Additional sets of ethical guidelines have been enacted, and few believe that another Guatemala study could happen today. "It's not that we're out infecting anybody with things," Caplan said.

Still, in the last 15 years, two international studies sparked outrage.

One was likened to Tuskegee. U.S.-funded doctors failed to give the AIDS drug AZT to all the HIV-infected pregnant women in a study in Uganda even though it would have protected their newborns. U.S. health officials argued the study would answer questions about AZT's use in the developing world.

The other study, by Pfizer Inc., gave an antibiotic named Trovan to children with meningitis in Nigeria, although there were doubts about its effectiveness for that disease. Critics blamed the experiment for the deaths of 11 children and the disabling of scores of others. Pfizer settled a lawsuit with Nigerian officials for $75 million but admitted no wrongdoing.

Last year, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services' inspector general reported that between 40 and 65 percent of clinical studies of federally regulated medical products were done in other countries in 2008, and that proportion probably has grown. The report also noted that U.S. regulators inspected fewer than 1 percent of foreign clinical trial sites.

Monitoring research is complicated, and rules that are too rigid could slow new drug development. But it's often hard to get information on international trials, sometimes because of missing records and a paucity of audits, said Dr. Kevin Schulman, a Duke University professor of medicine who has written on the ethics of international studies.

These issues were still being debated when, last October, the Guatemala study came to light.

In the 1946-48 study, American scientists infected prisoners and patients in a mental hospital in Guatemala with syphilis, apparently to test whether penicillin could prevent some sexually transmitted disease. The study came up with no useful information and was hidden for decades.

The Guatemala study nauseated ethicists on multiple levels. Beyond infecting patients with a terrible illness, it was clear that people in the study did not understand what was being done to them or were not able to give their consent. Indeed, though it happened at a time when scientists were quick to publish research that showed frank disinterest in the rights of study participants, this study was buried in file drawers.

"It was unusually unethical, even at the time," said Stark, the Wesleyan researcher.

"When the president was briefed on the details of the Guatemalan episode, one of his first questions was whether this sort of thing could still happen today," said Rick Weiss, a spokesman for the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy.

That it occurred overseas was an opening for the Obama administration to have the bioethics panel seek a new evaluation of international medical studies. The president also asked the Institute of Medicine to further probe the Guatemala study, but the IOM relinquished the assignment in November, after reporting its own conflict of interest: In the 1940s, five members of one of the IOM's sister organizations played prominent roles in federal syphilis research and had links to the Guatemala study.

So the bioethics commission gets both tasks. To focus on federally funded international studies, the commission has formed an international panel of about a dozen experts in ethics, science and clinical research. Regarding the look at the Guatemala study, the commission has hired 15 staff investigators and is working with additional historians and other consulting experts.

The panel is to send a report to Obama by September. Any further steps would be up to the administration.

Some experts say that given such a tight deadline, it would be a surprise if the commission produced substantive new information about past studies. "They face a really tough challenge," Caplan said.

___

AP news researchers Susan James and Julie Reed Bell contributed to this report.

Annoucement about my Chatbox

Dear visitors,

Since irrelevant, spam comments are starting to appear in my chatbox, I am going to remove it from the side panel. Any comments, remarks and feedback, kindly use the 'Comments' section found in each post.

Thank you.



Liyana
13 Feb 2011
rasa macam ada yang tak kena je.. kenapa eh?
harap2 tak timbul ape2 salah faham. sebab kite takde niat serong. mengada-ngada? oh, tidak tidak!
tapi.. kite rasa tak sedap.. takut2 the other party fikir lain pulak. takut2 kite memang ada buat salah.

Allah..!

ithmid (and white musk)





Terima kasih, kak Mardhiyah~~



حَدَّثَنَا أَحْمَدُ بْنُ يُونُسَ حَدَّثَنَا زُهَيْرٌ حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ عُثْمَانَ بْنِ خُثَيْمٍ عَنْ سَعِيدِ بْنِ جُبَيْرٍ عَنْ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ الْبَسُوا مِنْ ثِيَابِكُمْ الْبَيَاضَ فَإِنَّهَا مِنْ خَيْرِ ثِيَابِكُمْ وَكَفِّنُوا فِيهَا مَوْتَاكُمْ وَإِنَّ خَيْرَ أَكْحَالِكُمُ الْإِثْمِدُ يَجْلُو الْبَصَرَ وَيُنْبِتُ الشَّعْرَ

سنن أبي داود » كتاب الطب » باب في الأمر بالكحل

Narrated by Ibn Abbas (radhiallahu anhu) -
The Prophet (sollallahu 'alaihi wa sallam) said: Wear your white garments, for they are among your best garments, and shroud your dead in them. Among the best types of collyrium you use is antimony (ithmid): it clears the vision and makes the hair sprout.

Sunan Abu Daud >> Kitab at-Tibb >> Bab fil amri bil kuhl







The arabic matan is from here.
The english translation is from
here.
sedih sangat-sangat nak lepaskan hotmail. ='(

tapi dah berbulan-bulan tak dapat masuk. sebab password kena reject.

dah lama jugak fikirkan samada nak announce kat kawan-kawan ataupun tidak. it's not so much about what is in my inbox, sebab rase2nya forwarded emails lah yang banyak. klw one-to-one email, rasenya tak ada kot. (maklumlah.. sekarang kan, semua orang gunakan facebook) but it's more about my contacts on MSN.. i don't remember their email addresses.. *looonngg sigh* lebih2 lagi, kawan non-muslims. lepas ni, camne nak reach mereka? (okay, tak usah cakap facebook. -__-" i know)

akhirnya, malam ni, kite ambil keputusan untuk beritahu kawan-kawan..

*tersenyum sendiri* teringat masa kecil-kecil dulu, abang buatkan my first hotmail account. impurities_12. hahahaha..! masa tu, tak tahu apa maknanya. abang yang letak. tapi abang sendiri ada cakap maknanya tak best. account tu tak lama.. then, around primary 6 gitu, kite bukak cahaya_k.

sekarang, dah tinggal satu email account, rase vulnerable pulak! should i open a gmail account? as a back-up. *hmmmmm..* sebenarnya, ada jugak fikir-fikir nama yang sesuai.. but so far, nama yang kite nak dah diambil. hmmm... tengoklah camne.

just for the record (part 1)



I was clearing whatever papers and receipts in my small black pouch. I've had this pouch since.. early 2000s? And I keep ATM transaction receipts and purchase receipts in it.

Guess what?

The ATM transaction receipts were as far back as March 2007! OMG OMG. nampak sangat liyana ni suka simpan2. Among other things, I found these 4 items which I would like to remember, before I throw 'em away -

1. May 05, 2006 I bought my second pair of glasses. $180 (My first pair was when I was in secondary 1) Blue rim, rectangular-ish lenses. I still keep both pair.

2. March 27, 2007 Bought a sleeping bag, for the first time. I remember searching the whole of Tampines Mall for one. Nada. So I went to Century Square. I don't remember if I just bought it 'for future use' or there was an upcoming camp.. I still have it, stashed in my wardrobe.

3. November 11, 2006 A birthday present for my brother - a Billabong wallet. The most expensive present I've given to anyone to date. Nevertheless, I am glad I bought it =)

4. sister Norashikin. Ahh... *feeling nostalgic* I met her at an NTUMS talk in.. lemme see.. 2005, I think. I remember that ust Sakinah recommended us to go. By 'us', I mean, banaat thfz. Maybe it was through email, or she told us about it in one of our classes, or during an usrah. I think I was supposed to go with.. 'Adilah and kak Mardhiyah, but last minute, both of them couldn't make it. So I went alone. It was my first time stepping into NTU campus.

The talk was.. after maghrib? or Isya'? Unfortunately, I can't remember what it was about =( But somehow, I have a feeling it was a session to 'rejuvenate our faith' in the midst of busy school schedules and CCAs. I think back then, I didn't really empathise with what these older brothers and sisters were going thru. I was still in madrasah.. hari2 dalam bi'ah islamiah. Anyway, the sister who befriended me was this sis Norashikin. I met her first (kira.. she was the contactperson ah..).. afterwards she introduced me to a few sisters. I remember eating dinner after the talk outside the LT. I remember feeling shy and awkward coz there were brothers.

And, that was where I met sis Khairiah for the first time. She was wearing a pink tudung labuh. Surprised, I asked her if it was okay to wear tudung labuh in uni, and she said, 'yes!'. =D

I remember following the sisters to somewhere.. maybe a room to pray? hmm.. this part I'm totally blank. Sad sad.. The next part is me in the bus going home with a few sisters. A sis Ira sat beside me. And we talked. I knew I asked her about her course, and at that time, she lives in Admiralty too. I exchanged numbers with sis Norashikin and sis Ira.

Hmm... yeah. I don't think I had seen or heard from them since. Sometime I wonder where they are now, and how they are doing. I hope to see them again.. Of course, I don't expect them to remember me. I was a small kid. hehe.. Just that, y'know, it'll be nice to re-connect. Someday, inshaAllah~

Oh, by the way, just to share, at the back of her card is this -

The next day..

I feel a little bit better now. Alhamdulillah.. And the short article in today's Berita Minggu featuring kak Maryam and kak Nisha motivates me a bit. That's something, to get me back on track. Focus.

--

Anyway, the travelogue I am currently reading is titled Secangkir Teh Pengubat Letih by ustaz Hasrizal Abdul Jamil. I try to imagine the sceneries and places that he described, and I can't help but feel a lil' jealous of the ukhwah he forged with his Turkish companions.. hee.. not negative jealous.. a positive one.. I would also like to travel and live somewhere.. blend myself in a different culture and people. I definitely want to find and get to know those who are of the same faith.

--

I went to the library. Browsed the Adult Fiction section quite cluelessly. Coz I didn't know what titles to pick except Cecelia Ahern's and John Grisham's. I've been wanting to get my hands on the former's The Book of Tomorrow and the latter's The Confession. I am not a fan of John Grisham, coz I've never read his books. Just that I stumbled upon The Confession at Times Bookshop last week, read the synopsis, and decided that I want to give it a try.

Other than that.. I don't really know which books to choose. I think I am going to rely on recommendations I can find in newspapers, internets and magazines. Occasionally I would browse the fiction section in bookstores, pick up random titles (based on the cover illustration and the title.. if they attract me) and read the plot summary. If a book sounds appealing, I would then jot the title and author's name in my HP, noting to self to check it out the next time I visit a library. And occasionally, I would find a gem, where I would go.. "aaaaahhh... this is one of the best books I have ever read" or "just what I need!" or "what a wonderful story!".

So, today while at the New Arrivals table, I saw a book that tells the story of 'the princes of the tower'. Now this, is something I have never heard about. On to another shelf of books, I saw A Secret Alchemy, which revolves around the same topic. Hmm.. piqued my curiosity. Who are they? Found the info here.

--

After that, off to FairPrice which is located underground. I think I spent 40 minutes (probably more) browsing the aisles and reading the ingredients labels. I stopped long enough at my favourite sections - dried fruits (read - not PRESERVED fruits), biscuits, cereals, snack bars, chocolates. *wide grinnnn*

There's a brand I've never heard of - Carman's. They sell granola bars and muesli. Those bars look realllly delicious! But.. hmm.. oh well..

Although, I think I am getting mellower. I mean, now when I read food packagings, I don't immediately put back those that don't have Halal logo. I will examine them.. see if they have Kosher symbol, Halal symbol, vegetarian symbol, organic symbol or not.. and scan the ingredients. Some do look 'harmless'. I am not sure if I will buy these products one day.. just curious, I guess, of the possibility. Hmm...
I want to read about

Robin Hood
the man in the iron mask
Richard The Lion Heart
Dzulqarnain
the Armenians
the history of the Balkans
the last of the Uthmaniyya caliph, his descendants
Mark Twain, who he is
Stephen Hawking's The Great Grand Design

I wonder why I am not that interested in anything south-east asian.
I am feeling miserable.
I feel this way after meetings that I did not expect.
On the way home I could not continue reading the travelogue that I had brought with me.
Felt like crying, alright!
Tried to calm myself by istighfar, but somehow my mind wandered elsewhere.
In, out, in, out.. then, i pulled my thoughts back to earth and istighfar again..
But no.. I felt miserable, and I still am.
I want to get out of this misery.. but, how, ya Allah?
I thought of a way, but am I really ready to do it?
Ya Allah.. please.. put me out of this misery.
I thought I had it tied, bound, shushed away somewhere.
But it came back, and now I am filled with emotions that I don't feel comfortable to even acknowledge.

I should sleep it over.
Maybe I will be feel better in the morning.
But now.. now I feel like erasing my memory.
Can I have a wand and obliviate myself?
I am not joking.
There are some incidences that I wish to forget, because they make me feel this way..
I need to pray harder.
Ask Allah to make these stop.
These thoughts, fantasies, memories.
They are making me ill.

I just need to pray reeeeeeaaallyy hard.
Ya Allah.. Please protect him from me.
Bila seorang anak dan ayah bergaduh, lalu si ayah melepaskan kata-kata kesat, adakah si ayah berdosa? atau tidak? dari perspektif mana harus kita tgk - seorang muslim memaki hamun muslim yang lain, atau seorang ayah marah besar dgn anaknya? *agak keliru dalam hal ni* adakah seorang ayah berhak mengeluarkan kata-kata kesat terhadap anaknya, meskipun si anak lah yang meninggikan suaranya dahulu lantas mencetuskan perang mulut tersebut?

Does the father mean what he said? Does the father really mean what he said? People are often blinded by their anger and they would blurt out things they did not mean, things they would later regret. But is it not during these fiery episodes that their deep thoughts and feelings are brought to the surface? Things they have been keeping for some time, for example, resentment, certain negative impressions they hold on the other person (such as the thought that the son has not been responsible or filial), negative ideas or wishful thinking that, in normal peaceful situation, they strive to push aside because these wishes are morally incorrect and obviously, instigations by the devil.

So.. Both father and son, especially the father, were aware of what they were saying, right?

Suddenly I am curious about the psychology of anger.
About 1 hour ago, Cik Isa's family left our house. And somehow, I am feelin' a bit stressed coz I was not able to strike any conversation with my cousins and cousins-in-law.

No. 1, kak Izan was sitting in between her husband (bro Azmi, who is my cousin) and Rayyan (nephew). No. 2, kak Rusydah and kak Shima were busy looking at wedding pictures and entertaining Azrul (kak Rusydah's son). No. 3, I was sitting at a quite unstrategic place. hmm.. (so, you see, I wanted to talk to my female cousin/cousins-in-law.. not the brothers. huhu)

K takpe.

It's just that, I really need to find ways, make an effort, to get to know 'em. Seriously, bila mak dan ayah dah takda, bila pak cik2, mak cik2 dah takda, camne nak sambung silaturrahim kalau dari sekarang tak cuba?