Pedih. Gatal. Bengkak.

Saya tak tahu berapa lama keadaan ni akan berterusan.

Buat saya jadi takut. Sedih. Menyesal.

Saya mengetap bibir menahan rasa..

Apa yang patut saya lakukan? Apa yang boleh saya katakan?

Sebenarnya,

Kite cemburu bila nampak suami salam dengan perempuan bukan mahram. Seperti sepupu2 perempuannya. Seperti staf perempuan dari Grab tu.

Kite cemburu bila nampak suami pakai ketat2. Seperti tights untuk berenang; tak dilapis dengan seluar shorts atau three-quarters yang longgar utk cover bentuk kemaluan dan paha.

Kite diam je.. sebab kite tahu, no point kite cakap dengan dia. Pendiriannya lain daripada kite. Siapa lah kite, kan. So, kite cemburu diam2, doakan pun diam2.

Seorang isteri tu selalunya mengikut agama atau kebiasaan suami, kan? Seorang suami tu, contoh buat isteri dan anak2, kan? Jadi, apa kata, kite salam dengan orang2 yang bukan mahram jugak? Kite pakai seluar ketat jugak?

Ya.. i think i should start doing the same.

Hati ni macam nak terbang jauh..

Pagi tadi dapat tengok laut di East Coast Park.. biru2 airnya. Cantik!

Siang tadi pulak, Facebook Memory tunjukkan gambar masa trip ke Qaitbay Fortress, Alexandria 5 tahun lalu.. mengimbas ingatan kite melihat laut Mediterranean yang luas terbentang. Ahh.. indah sangat!

Subhanallah..

Beberapa hari lalu, tiba2 teringin nak pergi ke Langkawi.

Agaknya jiwa kite ni sedang tertarik dengan pemandangan laut kot? Macam nak terbang ke tempat2 indah, permai dan tenang gini..

Harap2 kite dapat kembali ke Mesir dan jejakkan kaki ke Turki tahun depan.. walaupon flight 12 jam bersama 2 kanak-kanak sounds really daunting! Ya Allah.. permudahkanlah..

The evil eye is real.

Why did i agree to have the picture posted??

May Allah protect my son.

May Allah protect my husband.

May Allah protect me.

My hair is starting to bug me.

With August's warm temperature,
With my increasingly warm body temperature,
My neck is somewhat irritated by the strands of hair hanging,
And my scalp perspires more and then becomes itchy..

Grrr..!

Should i cut my hair really short again? Gotta eliminate 1 stress factor.

Remove 1 stress factor at a time.

I shouldn't be unnecessarily stressed, kan, because starting 36 weeks i need to relax my body and mind?

Random

What if, the day i give birth is the day i die. What preparations am i making to meet my Lord and tie any loose ends about my worldly affairs?

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Macam best gitu eh, dapat bonus.

Dulu kite kerja, takde performance bonus, takde 13th month bonus.. maklum lah, company kecil.. belom ada profit. Tapi dapat increment lah. So, alhamdulillah!

Bila ditanya, teringin apa, kite jawab entah. Padahal, macam2 benda kite nak.. ada perkara kite nak buat kalau ada duit lebih. Tapi kite segan nak mintak, sebab duit tu bukan kite punye. Bukan dari penat-lelah kite. Apakah kite tak tahu malu nak ambil duit dari keringat orang lain?!

Ya.. kadang2 kite fikir, alangkah bestnya kalau ada gaji sendiri, duit sendiri.. lebih bebas utk spend utk diri sendiri, utk mak, utk anak, utk suami, utk masa depan, utk saham akhirat. Dan, tak perlu beritahu sape2 what exactly are the things i spend. Tangan kiri tak perlu tahu apa yang tangan kanan buat.

Tapi, hakikatnya, jadi ibu sepanjang hari, isteri sepanjang hari, suri rumah sepanjang hari, takde gaji. Sabar lah wahai diri. Gaji awak dengan Allah.. kan tu lebih baik. So, senyum k? :)

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I realised yesterday that most likely no one will come to visit this Raya. Because people usually want to see mak, and mak is always not at home. So they will just dismiss the idea of coming to woodlands.

Kite rasa macam sedih pulak.

On a lighter note, i think i should start helping myself with the Raya cookies - no restraint - and ask my husband to join too.

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5 hours of swelling is not fun at all. While the other person moves on to other activities for the day, u suffer in pain on ur own.. all the while smiling, pretending to shake it off as though it is no big deal.

---

Sometimes i think i might have a mild depression. Or split personality. It only manifests when i am alone.

Then again, maybe i'm overthinking it. It's just the pregnancy hormones lah.. not really depression.

But really, this time i am more sensitive, more sad, i build higher expectations of people around me - potentially causing even more (perceived) disappointment, i am more critical of myself and others, more anxious and worried..

And sometimes i feel lonely.

I still tell myself, ni semua kerja pregnancy hormones lah kan. I dont need to talk to anyone, or see a counsellor. I am alright.

I am always alright the next day. U won't even know i had an upsetting episode unless i tell u.

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These past few months, i've been reminicsing about my dad, and other family members who have passed on. Occasionally they become characters in my dreams. Sometimes i try to imagine - not without hesitation and fear - how will it be like when i die.. who will visit, how will they react, who will bathe my body, who will escort me to the grave, how will i be when i wake up inside the grave.

Is my time here ending soon..?

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I think i should sleep already.

Sometimes i feel that i'm waiting on my child. Every single day.

Sitting beside him.
Watching him play.
Monitoring him when he climbs onto things.
Feeding him.
Changing his nappies.
Monitoring him when he will pass motion.
Playing with him.
Coaxing him when he is being difficult.
Soothing him when he cries.
Putting him to sleep.

Many times i feel unproductive. Coz many times,

When i wash dishes, he pushes me away from the sink.
When i read a book on the sofa, he reaches out for that book, or, climb on the sofa.
When i fold the clothes, he'll take away the clothes
When i sit at the dining table table to snack, he wants to reach out for things on the table.
When i use my handphone, he wants to use it too.

So i cherish the times when he sleeps, when he goes to aunty and uncle in the next room, and when i get to go out on my own.

My oh my,

How i'd like to go out on my own more often. Without husband. Without child. No obligation to make small talks with the other person, or to stay on guard, or to constantly entertain, distract or calm the child. Just me and my little world.

Now i'm on a course. About 6 sessions to go. So, 6 precious me-time! hmm.. i'd like to stay out a bit later.. but, guilt and responsibility always snag me. Why can't i shake it off and take it easy..?

"Mental stimulus"

A phrase that's been at the back of my head ever since i visited my cousin's wife and newborn child. I am surprised at how such innocent sharing affected me so. I think coz i am fully aware that i'm lacking that mental stimulus.. that i'm turning into an introvert with a stagnant mind. That i'm not going anywhere. That my life has come to a pause, until when? Until my kid(s) become independent, i suppose..

How did i come to this? :'( kadang2 terngiang kata2 ayah, that i have a big potential to excel. I guess my potential remains just that; a potential.

I'll just go with the flow for now.

Sometimes,
I just need to
Forget about my husband,
Forget about my son,
And
Take care of myself.