agitated

since stepping out of my house til reaching home minutes before 11pm, i felt all wrong.

i couldnt concentrate, disturbed, somehow, all the way during the meeting.

a mix of emotions.

and it escalated while i was walking from the centre to the mrt station.

reached its peak as i walked along the platform and sat waiting for the mrt. exhausted.

Ya Allah..

i seek Your guidance.

just now, i really thought i couldn't take it anymore.

what is 'it'?

i wish i can describe.. but it was too overwhelming. it still is.

i thought i was on the brink of giving up.

Ya Allah..

please, please, please...!!

and now, i just cant do my assignment. i dont want to. i cant. Ya Allah, i just cant.

Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah
Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah
Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah
Astaghfirullah..

brother wants to get engaged.

I'm not thrilled. though I joked my way around.

**

felt the sting when father says I know but I don't understand.

I seek to understand, ayah.

I just don't show it.

and I thank you, for the trust.

**

I miss knowing my brothers.

calling one my brother but i do not know him.

calling another my brother but i do not know him enough.

**

the secret keeper

the listener

no, not the golden child

but one who is always there

**

the mission to do da'wah is calling

da'wah to my family

**

Abang, kakak, abang, adik.. Liyana doakan kalian.. Liyana doakan kita semua..

Ya Allah,

jadikanlah kami anak-anak yang soleh dan solehah..

didiklah kami Ya Allah..

jangan biarkan kami menyimpang hingga menjadi anak derhaka..

kurniakanlah hidayahMu Ya Allah..

aku sayang kedua abang, kakak dan adikku Ya Allah..

dan aku tidak mahu mak dan ayah terluka..

Ya Allah.. janganlah Kau matikan kami dalam keadaan kami tidak direstui mereka..

**

Ya Allah..

please let them know, in their hearts, that I love them.

even though I do not show it.

please let them know, that I am willing to sacrifice.

please let them know, that I seek their blessings.

**

Ya Allah..

kuatkanlah aku..

aku ingin menjadi anak yang solehah..

**

Ya Allah..

please do not let them see my tears.

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

and I know what my next step after graduation will be.

All is well.

pending stories

IVP 2008

one gunung conquered "bedek ah, liyana!"

1st solo trip to KL

the nightwalk in MIC

IGM

qiyamullail 2008

--------------------

RR'08 now has the project head and vice heads!
I wish them well.
lookin' forward to meet the rest of the team this wednesday.

--------------------

do you notice that i seldom share about my work?

last saturday, i chanced upon pictures of the volunteers.. old ones. was kinda amused to see the different hairstyles for the brothers and their antics in the pictures, and different tudung styles for the sisters. was kinda amazed to see their younger faces, coz i was thinking, how far have they come.. reminding me that they have way more experience.. feeling more respectful of them.. saw a few of my seniors from my alma mater too. oh, and suprisingly, my cousin too (yea, cuz, i was suprised! heh).

on another note, i want to commit to my work. i really do. coz i enjoy working there. although sometimes, i have to reinforce to myself that im just a worker. i've no business with them. when the time is for work, work. when the time is not for work, then i become a volunteer too. and sometimes, i think i may not be here for very long. i just cant say for now. after confirmation about my SIP placement, then we will see..

updates and such

1. it's that time of the year again: my term tests are done and over with. alhamdulillah di atas segala yang telah dipermudahkan...

and now.. wa ufawwidhu amrii ilallah~

2. Kamaliah got third in her class! needless to say, im Happy for youuuu~ and yes, let's go to NUS! haha.. mcm betul aku nak masuk sane..

3. Aszafirah dapat masuk NUS laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!! National. University. of Singapore. Alf Mabruk, Ya sohibati~~ oh Allah~ tak tahu ape nak cakap~~ jealous? eh, tak! bangga adelah!
haha.. Selamat Maju Jaya, firah~ ana doakan anti dapat lalui uni experience with an open mind, open heart, dgn tabah, semangat, dan yang sewaktu dgnnya... until... 2012 kan? *Yes~ Aszafirah boleh!*

4. Student Internship Programme in 3 weeks' time. there was a briefing just now. sungguh menaikkan stress dan nervous level saya. hmMmMmMMMmmmm..

5. took Hep B jab last monday. 1st of 3. seriously ah.. i think i've had enough of needles and jabs. the pain's manageable, tapi mcm dah jemu gitu. and tak nak rasa that stinging feeling anymore. haem/bbank lab, blood donation, blood test, and this Hep B jab.. hmm.. im not looking forward to july's one!

6. i was quite suprised with the messages on/at/in my tagboard. really didnt expect anyone to write as many as 2 tags on the same day. my tagboard is usually inactive anyway. haha. plus, the sudden criticism. my reaction? ntah eh, rasa macam tak percaya ah. seriously. i kinda thought that those were some random comments, spam or flood or whatever you call it. and i think it's the first time im criticised in my blog. narcissictic? juvenile? immature? wow..

not taking it to heart, alright. and yeah, i do agree that what one writes does shed some light on one's personality, knowledge, and level of maturity. it may not necessarily 'reflects'.

then again, im not a writer. i think i've typed somewhere here that my thoughts are mostly in my head, unexpressed.. or simply, not expressed here. i think im more of a 'express by actions and body language' kinda person. easier coz no need to squeeze my brain juice to form even one wise - or mature, or intelligent, or funny, or interesting - sentence.

yupz!

ape lagi eh? oh!!

7. remember the post where i said i would tell you what song stuck in my head during bro hafiz M's walimah? so.. the name of the song is: Istri Sholehah.

actually, what caught my attention was

- oops.. sorry! to be continued yea. need to stop. think im gonna be ill. feverish. extremities feel cold. going home. (oh, im in the sch library level 2, btw) -

last but not least,

8. im now in third year but i still have yet to step into RP. aiyo~ gotta set a date with Jim ah.. before SIP.. >.<



9. D-Talk 2008 is coming sOon~~ for YOU - upper sec students, Polytechnic, ITE, JC, Madrasahs students... you're welcome to join Us!! ape tu D-Talk?? k, jom gi http://www.dtalk08.blogspot.com/ now! registration ends 15 June which reminds me... belum post up the reg form kat blog uh. oh no~~

was checking my blog to see if there's anymore 'heated' tags.

then, clicked on the 'June 2007' history.

A Different Light.

all these lead to me reflecting, why is my motivation the want, the need, to get in the TOP 10% of the cohort? why is my motivation to be on the same parr as the malay girl, who has the same name as me, who is in the top 10 students for 1st year? why..?

and why isnt my motivation based on the desire to please God? why do i feel a bit estranged from the fact that Allah is always there for me? why do i not trust and put all my hopes and prayers in Him?

why everytime i face failure, or even sense failure, i quickly become discouraged? why cant i be stronger, realising that Allah has me in His hands?

why am i so afraid that i wont reach my goal of getting the A's? is it super important that it blinds me from the pure intention of seeking knowledge?

think, my dear self,
think of your primary intention.
the others will come later.
once you set your innermost intention,
sure about it, work within it,
then you dont have to worry.

feel like crying..
No! dont cry k.
You cant!

kerana Pejuang tak boleh menangis!