Sometimes i feel that i'm waiting on my child. Every single day.

Sitting beside him.
Watching him play.
Monitoring him when he climbs onto things.
Feeding him.
Changing his nappies.
Monitoring him when he will pass motion.
Playing with him.
Coaxing him when he is being difficult.
Soothing him when he cries.
Putting him to sleep.

Many times i feel unproductive. Coz many times,

When i wash dishes, he pushes me away from the sink.
When i read a book on the sofa, he reaches out for that book, or, climb on the sofa.
When i fold the clothes, he'll take away the clothes
When i sit at the dining table table to snack, he wants to reach out for things on the table.
When i use my handphone, he wants to use it too.

So i cherish the times when he sleeps, when he goes to aunty and uncle in the next room, and when i get to go out on my own.

My oh my,

How i'd like to go out on my own more often. Without husband. Without child. No obligation to make small talks with the other person, or to stay on guard, or to constantly entertain, distract or calm the child. Just me and my little world.

Now i'm on a course. About 6 sessions to go. So, 6 precious me-time! hmm.. i'd like to stay out a bit later.. but, guilt and responsibility always snag me. Why can't i shake it off and take it easy..?

"Mental stimulus"

A phrase that's been at the back of my head ever since i visited my cousin's wife and newborn child. I am surprised at how such innocent sharing affected me so. I think coz i am fully aware that i'm lacking that mental stimulus.. that i'm turning into an introvert with a stagnant mind. That i'm not going anywhere. That my life has come to a pause, until when? Until my kid(s) become independent, i suppose..

How did i come to this? :'( kadang2 terngiang kata2 ayah, that i have a big potential to excel. I guess my potential remains just that; a potential.

I'll just go with the flow for now.