just for the record (part 1)

I was clearing whatever papers and receipts in my small black pouch. I've had this pouch since.. early 2000s? And I keep ATM transaction receipts and purchase receipts in it.

Guess what?

The ATM transaction receipts were as far back as March 2007! OMG OMG. nampak sangat liyana ni suka simpan2. Among other things, I found these 4 items which I would like to remember, before I throw 'em away -

1. May 05, 2006 I bought my second pair of glasses. $180 (My first pair was when I was in secondary 1) Blue rim, rectangular-ish lenses. I still keep both pair.

2. March 27, 2007 Bought a sleeping bag, for the first time. I remember searching the whole of Tampines Mall for one. Nada. So I went to Century Square. I don't remember if I just bought it 'for future use' or there was an upcoming camp.. I still have it, stashed in my wardrobe.

3. November 11, 2006 A birthday present for my brother - a Billabong wallet. The most expensive present I've given to anyone to date. Nevertheless, I am glad I bought it =)

4. sister Norashikin. Ahh... *feeling nostalgic* I met her at an NTUMS talk in.. lemme see.. 2005, I think. I remember that ust Sakinah recommended us to go. By 'us', I mean, banaat thfz. Maybe it was through email, or she told us about it in one of our classes, or during an usrah. I think I was supposed to go with.. 'Adilah and kak Mardhiyah, but last minute, both of them couldn't make it. So I went alone. It was my first time stepping into NTU campus.

The talk was.. after maghrib? or Isya'? Unfortunately, I can't remember what it was about =( But somehow, I have a feeling it was a session to 'rejuvenate our faith' in the midst of busy school schedules and CCAs. I think back then, I didn't really empathise with what these older brothers and sisters were going thru. I was still in madrasah.. hari2 dalam bi'ah islamiah. Anyway, the sister who befriended me was this sis Norashikin. I met her first (kira.. she was the contactperson ah..).. afterwards she introduced me to a few sisters. I remember eating dinner after the talk outside the LT. I remember feeling shy and awkward coz there were brothers.

And, that was where I met sis Khairiah for the first time. She was wearing a pink tudung labuh. Surprised, I asked her if it was okay to wear tudung labuh in uni, and she said, 'yes!'. =D

I remember following the sisters to somewhere.. maybe a room to pray? hmm.. this part I'm totally blank. Sad sad.. The next part is me in the bus going home with a few sisters. A sis Ira sat beside me. And we talked. I knew I asked her about her course, and at that time, she lives in Admiralty too. I exchanged numbers with sis Norashikin and sis Ira.

Hmm... yeah. I don't think I had seen or heard from them since. Sometime I wonder where they are now, and how they are doing. I hope to see them again.. Of course, I don't expect them to remember me. I was a small kid. hehe.. Just that, y'know, it'll be nice to re-connect. Someday, inshaAllah~

Oh, by the way, just to share, at the back of her card is this -

The next day..

I feel a little bit better now. Alhamdulillah.. And the short article in today's Berita Minggu featuring kak Maryam and kak Nisha motivates me a bit. That's something, to get me back on track. Focus.

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Anyway, the travelogue I am currently reading is titled Secangkir Teh Pengubat Letih by ustaz Hasrizal Abdul Jamil. I try to imagine the sceneries and places that he described, and I can't help but feel a lil' jealous of the ukhwah he forged with his Turkish companions.. hee.. not negative jealous.. a positive one.. I would also like to travel and live somewhere.. blend myself in a different culture and people. I definitely want to find and get to know those who are of the same faith.

--

I went to the library. Browsed the Adult Fiction section quite cluelessly. Coz I didn't know what titles to pick except Cecelia Ahern's and John Grisham's. I've been wanting to get my hands on the former's The Book of Tomorrow and the latter's The Confession. I am not a fan of John Grisham, coz I've never read his books. Just that I stumbled upon The Confession at Times Bookshop last week, read the synopsis, and decided that I want to give it a try.

Other than that.. I don't really know which books to choose. I think I am going to rely on recommendations I can find in newspapers, internets and magazines. Occasionally I would browse the fiction section in bookstores, pick up random titles (based on the cover illustration and the title.. if they attract me) and read the plot summary. If a book sounds appealing, I would then jot the title and author's name in my HP, noting to self to check it out the next time I visit a library. And occasionally, I would find a gem, where I would go.. "aaaaahhh... this is one of the best books I have ever read" or "just what I need!" or "what a wonderful story!".

So, today while at the New Arrivals table, I saw a book that tells the story of 'the princes of the tower'. Now this, is something I have never heard about. On to another shelf of books, I saw A Secret Alchemy, which revolves around the same topic. Hmm.. piqued my curiosity. Who are they? Found the info here.

--

After that, off to FairPrice which is located underground. I think I spent 40 minutes (probably more) browsing the aisles and reading the ingredients labels. I stopped long enough at my favourite sections - dried fruits (read - not PRESERVED fruits), biscuits, cereals, snack bars, chocolates. *wide grinnnn*

There's a brand I've never heard of - Carman's. They sell granola bars and muesli. Those bars look realllly delicious! But.. hmm.. oh well..

Although, I think I am getting mellower. I mean, now when I read food packagings, I don't immediately put back those that don't have Halal logo. I will examine them.. see if they have Kosher symbol, Halal symbol, vegetarian symbol, organic symbol or not.. and scan the ingredients. Some do look 'harmless'. I am not sure if I will buy these products one day.. just curious, I guess, of the possibility. Hmm...

I want to read about

Robin Hood
the man in the iron mask
Richard The Lion Heart
Dzulqarnain
the Armenians
the history of the Balkans
the last of the Uthmaniyya caliph, his descendants
Mark Twain, who he is
Stephen Hawking's The Great Grand Design

I wonder why I am not that interested in anything south-east asian.

I am feeling miserable.
I feel this way after meetings that I did not expect.
On the way home I could not continue reading the travelogue that I had brought with me.
Felt like crying, alright!
Tried to calm myself by istighfar, but somehow my mind wandered elsewhere.
In, out, in, out.. then, i pulled my thoughts back to earth and istighfar again..
But no.. I felt miserable, and I still am.
I want to get out of this misery.. but, how, ya Allah?
I thought of a way, but am I really ready to do it?
Ya Allah.. please.. put me out of this misery.
I thought I had it tied, bound, shushed away somewhere.
But it came back, and now I am filled with emotions that I don't feel comfortable to even acknowledge.

I should sleep it over.
Maybe I will be feel better in the morning.
But now.. now I feel like erasing my memory.
Can I have a wand and obliviate myself?
I am not joking.
There are some incidences that I wish to forget, because they make me feel this way..
I need to pray harder.
Ask Allah to make these stop.
These thoughts, fantasies, memories.
They are making me ill.

I just need to pray reeeeeeaaallyy hard.