1. thanks to you-know-who-you-are..your words are prayers...i will be strong, insha Allah~
2. maybe i was a bit over the top in the previous post.
3. i think i cried because i thought i was lousy in sparring, and even kicking. i still am. lousy.
4. i got more bruises today. i think i can handle more of that in the future. right now, im just a little afraid to get hit. n hurt. physically, i mean. *wei! bruises take long time to heal ok? that's why i dont like to get hit! all the pain...aiyo! uncomfortable!..ehem..although sometimes i feel good..weird me huh?* i hope this fear of mine will cease as time goes by (and as i get more skilled and confident)..
5. i-guide camp tomorrow...til this friday. what's 'i-guide'? ans: tour guides during TP open house (19,20.21 january 2007). and i havent packed a thing.
6. NI's Gila2 Sukan last saturday (231206) was....fine. it went smoothly, in my opinion. how about myself? did i enjoy it? well, i didnt join in the fun and games. so yeah, i dont think that question applies to me. anyway, click here for pictures from the event.
7. i still havent started on my leadership and character's individual assignment. we have to do a 800-1500 word essay - or research, whatever you call it - on a movie that we chose from a given list. i chose armageddon. one of the tearjerkers i've seen. no, it's not about movie review. we'll get zero if we do that. our assignment is to observe the leader(s) in the movie, extract 5 learning points from him/her/them, substantiate with reasons and proofs, and personalise the point with our own point of view and experiences. anyway, the assignment is 50 marks and is due less than two weeks.
8. something to share: sometimes we want, hope, or wish for something too much, it hurts.
9. cd-rw drive is up! so i dont need thumbdrive anymore. for now, that is.
10. ok, im already tired. so that's all for tonight's post. thank you for reading this =)
TKD training on thursday, 21 dec 2006
i was kicked.
hit.
smacked.
whacked.
on the right side of my head.
hard.
yep, that's right. you saw those words. i was kicked on my head during sparring with a senior. it was only my second spar.
the feeling?
i just couldnt explain it in words. i just couldnt.
all i know is, i was kind of stunned maybe. my head was like....whoa~! really felt like "a blow on your head"..that kind of thing. you would've imagined that i fell on the floor and fainted. but i didnt.
concussion? i dont even know what it means... but maybe, just a teeny-weeny bit of concussion, dizziness.
the blow affected me emotionally, though. it didnt crack open my skull, but it sure crack whatever emotions that were inside me. like a nutcracker.
the second my head was hit, i felt my tears starting to appear. but i held them fast. acted like everything's ok. i kept my cool alright. i remembered saying something like, "whoa~~ what an experience!" and i started asking questions like, "oh! if we kick on the head, we get more points?" "kicking the head is a very good tactic?" "what must you do to protect your head?" etc etc etc...just to keep my emotions at bay.
n so, i couldnt continue sparring. oh well~
the blow also shut my mood. suddenly, i was speechless (yes! a good word!)... i just sat here, or there, just looking who-knows-where, trying to look as if i was thinking and at the same time, i was calm, as if unaffected.
but cry i did. in the girls' changing room. in one of the changing cubicles. i sat on the floor, with my bottle of cold water, n cried. hypoventilated. talked to myself.
i didnt know EXACTLY why i cried. i honestly didnt. it was as if i was crying over lots of things, or nothing at all. ouh! as im typing this, i feel some sort of a knot around my head - or shall i say, brain? kind of tight. ya Allah~ i hope there's nothing wrong with my head.
in the bus, i cried again. not loudly. the tears just flowed down my cheeks. of course, i covered my face. if not, my friends who sat beside me in the bus would've noticed!
why, why, why did i cry?????
maybe i was angry too. i dont know. i was simply blurred by my own emotions. i didnt even know what they are..
anyway, just cut the crap! i got few pictures from the training =)
enjoy!
hit.
smacked.
whacked.
on the right side of my head.
hard.
yep, that's right. you saw those words. i was kicked on my head during sparring with a senior. it was only my second spar.
the feeling?
i just couldnt explain it in words. i just couldnt.
all i know is, i was kind of stunned maybe. my head was like....whoa~! really felt like "a blow on your head"..that kind of thing. you would've imagined that i fell on the floor and fainted. but i didnt.
concussion? i dont even know what it means... but maybe, just a teeny-weeny bit of concussion, dizziness.
the blow affected me emotionally, though. it didnt crack open my skull, but it sure crack whatever emotions that were inside me. like a nutcracker.
the second my head was hit, i felt my tears starting to appear. but i held them fast. acted like everything's ok. i kept my cool alright. i remembered saying something like, "whoa~~ what an experience!" and i started asking questions like, "oh! if we kick on the head, we get more points?" "kicking the head is a very good tactic?" "what must you do to protect your head?" etc etc etc...just to keep my emotions at bay.
n so, i couldnt continue sparring. oh well~
the blow also shut my mood. suddenly, i was speechless (yes! a good word!)... i just sat here, or there, just looking who-knows-where, trying to look as if i was thinking and at the same time, i was calm, as if unaffected.
but cry i did. in the girls' changing room. in one of the changing cubicles. i sat on the floor, with my bottle of cold water, n cried. hypoventilated. talked to myself.
i didnt know EXACTLY why i cried. i honestly didnt. it was as if i was crying over lots of things, or nothing at all. ouh! as im typing this, i feel some sort of a knot around my head - or shall i say, brain? kind of tight. ya Allah~ i hope there's nothing wrong with my head.
in the bus, i cried again. not loudly. the tears just flowed down my cheeks. of course, i covered my face. if not, my friends who sat beside me in the bus would've noticed!
why, why, why did i cry?????
maybe i was angry too. i dont know. i was simply blurred by my own emotions. i didnt even know what they are..
anyway, just cut the crap! i got few pictures from the training =)
enjoy!
it's about....
- manners and formalities
when i spoke to the speakers, when i addressed other people, when i talked to the officers, when i greeted strangers, i found myself sounding quite formal. mcm professional gitu. eh! im not bragging ok? im stating a point. that the workshop was a good place for me to practise my communication skills with new people - those who are older, or of higher rank, or of same age. ah, yes. today's encounter with people polished my so-called being polite and formal. n manners... penting tau. bile kite masuk working world, bile jumpe org2 baru, penting untuk kite menampilkan imej yg tertib. i mean, to show that kite pon civilised, n we know how to act professionally. saying thank you. speaking good english. listening attentively. smiling to show agreement, approval, respect. responding politely. yeah~ it's good to learn.
- being independent
im happy with myself, for being able to adapt n carry myself throughout the workshop... sebenarnye, me terpikir jugak nak ajak kawan pegi workshop tu. tapi tk kuase nk pikir2 sape. bila tgk peserta2 kt situ, rate2 semue bawak kawan. tapi alhamdulillah~ me tk perlukan kawan to cheer myself up, or to make the workshop less boring. bukan me berlagak sombong, tidak! no! again, im making a point, this time to myself, that i must practise being independent. berdikari. pergi ke tempat2. buat kawan baru. menyesuaikan diri. being independent doesnt mean that im a loner. duh!
- talking confidently
heran jugak bile pikir yang me mampu bercakap dlm bahase enggeris semase group presentation... alhamdulillah~ nasib baik bukan singlish! selalunye, bila berbual dgn kwn2 sekolah...grammar ke mane, vocab ke mane! cakap terbelit2, teragak2! tapi, dlm situasi2 formal seperti membuat presentation, mungkin otak kite kate "ok! kau kena cakap betul2. tk boleh main2. kena tunjukkn yg kau tahu bila nak cakap pasar, bile nak cakap formal"...hah! mungkin tu lah drive yg buat kite present betul2, not just to present ourselves, but to convey the message well. that's my opinion, anyway.
me perhatikan jugak, ade few peserta yg mampu project their voices, and contents, clearly. tampak confident. masya Allah~ bukan semua orang mampu untuk melakukan sebegitu baik. tetapi, yang pastinye, kite semua perlukan practice n more practice. nasib baik jugak me pergi workshop tu. dapat jugak practise my public speaking skill. pokoknye, kite kena cari ways to improve that particular skill. tk boleh nak duduk diam je.
- having choices
yeah, what dr Isa said...that we are spoiled for choice! ah~~ how true that statement seems, how true it really is! but pessimistic that i am, im still not convinced. choices? what choices do i have? what paths and roads to further education are there, lying in front of me?
we do have choices. choices is every aspect/categories/matters in our life. now, that's a fact, eh?
- plans
i realised that plans are important. though sometimes planning takes away more energy than executing. klw tkde perancangan, hidup nie terase messy. tk teratur. dah gitu, silap2 kite naik stress, buntu, bosan dgn hidup kite.
- making a fool of oneself
Ya Allah~~ kenape lah rase malu nie sikit sgt???? but still...ish~ buat malu je kena act jadi cucu nenek mase adegan 'nenek2 tk dpt lari' dlm cerite musang berjanggut. for the sake of being sporting?? tepuk dada tanye selera lah liyana! tapi, diri nie tkdelah rase malu smpi pipi kemerah2an... cuma pusing2 keliling si nenek je... nasib baik jugak rajul2 kt situ semua strangers!
- receiving a namecard
gembire jugak bila dapat namecard dari dr Isa. associate professor lagik. hehe.. bukan ape, nie 2nd time me dpt namecard... yang first punye... haiz~ mmg tk nk pon, tapi kak khadijah kasi jugak, "for future need".. pfft. namecard yg first tu, me stashed ntah mane2 je dlm bag.
- defining one's strength
yeah, so, i've discovered and rediscovered certain things about myself today. i guess, i dont really regret going to the lifeskills workshop after all. today, i noticed more, observed more, learnt more.
what i really want
do you know what i want?
have i ever told you what i want, dream to have, if not completely, then, in bits and pieces?
do you remember?
but,
do i know what i want?
hmmm... honestly, i dont really actually know what i really want. or maybe, i know what it is but am just afraid to admit it, put it on the surface... coz i am just afraid that i might not get it, n i know, or at least, assume, that i wont get it. that it is too far-fetched. yeah~ maybe that's the reason.
what i want, in terms of materialisticity (hah! is there such a word?? hehe..i dont think so. i just made it up. make it sound more bombastic! haha).... well, my birthday's over. but it wont hurt to list few things that are in mind so far, would it?
let me see...
1. thumbdrive. yep. i realised that i need a thumbdrive just a month ago or so. why?? coz my computer has no floppy disk hardware (correct term??)..you know, the part of cpu where we insert the floppoy disk. i was flabbergasted when i found out! all this while, i never even noticed that the floppy disk thingy was missing! to burn my files in cd is also impossible, coz i dont have the cd-rw (or is it cd-wr??) thingy....
2. laptop. i know damn well that it's out of my financial reach. but i would like to have a laptop one day. it really comes in handy when your home pc is being used frequently by other members of your family, or when you dont have the mood to use the computer but actually you have to, just because it's already late at night n you're tired. so, if i have a laptop, i can actually write my assignments and stuff during school hours...rather than at home, around 11pm...12am..1am..
n now, about what i dream to get..to achieve...
hmmm...im a bit embarrassed to write it here... coz it looks a little bit too ambitious...but never mind, coz i've decided to share with you...n to remind myself - if i ever read this entry again in future - what i had wanted during my teen years.
i would like to study in oxford. yes, oxford university. i dont know why. i dont have a concrete reason. well, that's not true. my reason is superficial, really: it is a prestigious university and it sounds old and grand.
or if not oxford, then somewhere in england. or ireland. or scotland. the states? no thanks, harvard and yale have the least appeal to me. plus, they're totally out of my league. princeton? MIT? wow! they are some to-die-for universities huh? but again, im not a genius. and looking at my average intelligence and discouraging attitude, i dont deserve to be enrolled there.
remembering a near past (i mean, something that is not so long ago), i had wanted to do an International Baccaleaurate (i dont know how to spell the second word). and at King Khalid Islamic College of Victoria. oh how i yearned to go there! n i cried thinking, trying to swallow the fact that i cant afford it, n im simply not good enough to be accepted there. yes, the second fact is true. you cant deny it, not you, my friends, not you, my teachers.
im the kind of person who finds it hard to let go of certain things. in this case, dreams or wishes that i had held so long, so dear. n even though getting into oxford seems miles n miles away, i just keep it in my heart. but, i keep it somewhere distant in my heart. coz, i dont want to put too much hope. coz it may hurt me later. furthermore, i may change my mind one day. so, there could be lesser chance that i might get disappointed with myself.
speaking of prestigious universities, let me tell you something about myself: im one of those people who get attracted to things intellectual, or scholarly, if you know what i mean. be it intellectual people, schools/institutions where a lot of intellectuals are found. call me shallow, whatever. i dont care.
i guess, all these popular, prestigious, excellent institutions, which have carved their marks in history, make people want to go there, to be part of them. people like me.
so, schools like RI, RGS, RJC, VJC...i must say, i am sometimes green with envy of those bright students there. not in a negative way..but positive. universities like oxford, cambridge, harvard, MIT,yale, princeton....well, ashamed that i am, these are the only excellent institutions that i know of. i may be blind with these all-too-well-known places. maybe i dont read enough. i must find out more universities that are of great standards n qualities.
oh, n is there an adjective for people like me, as i've described above? mind you, my vocabulary is horrifying, if not embarrassing. for a 17-year-old.
there! i've told you this little wish of mine. =)
but wait, if you ask me, if i cant go to europe, where else do i want to pursue my studies? for now, i choose australia. but i dont know which are the top universities there. n which universities offer the best degree (modules, system, facilities, achievements, etc) in the field that i plan to concentrate in.
to add on what i've already mentioned (that my reason is superficial), i think that as i grow older, more matured, more knowledgeable, more information at hand, i will start to think more than 'old and grand'. perhaps reasons that are more well-rounded, logic, according-to-needs, deep, if you know what i mean.
thinking again, wishing all these may as well be useless if i dont work towards them. i must think about my own capabilities, limitations that i have. shortly, i must think and decide rationally. i wasnt being quite rational when i wanted to go to KKICV. nevertheless, i must work my butt off, all body and spirit, to reach as high as i allow myself to be.
in the end, i must have The PhD. Passion. Hunger. and Drive. for excellence.
have i ever told you what i want, dream to have, if not completely, then, in bits and pieces?
do you remember?
but,
do i know what i want?
hmmm... honestly, i dont really actually know what i really want. or maybe, i know what it is but am just afraid to admit it, put it on the surface... coz i am just afraid that i might not get it, n i know, or at least, assume, that i wont get it. that it is too far-fetched. yeah~ maybe that's the reason.
what i want, in terms of materialisticity (hah! is there such a word?? hehe..i dont think so. i just made it up. make it sound more bombastic! haha).... well, my birthday's over. but it wont hurt to list few things that are in mind so far, would it?
let me see...
1. thumbdrive. yep. i realised that i need a thumbdrive just a month ago or so. why?? coz my computer has no floppy disk hardware (correct term??)..you know, the part of cpu where we insert the floppoy disk. i was flabbergasted when i found out! all this while, i never even noticed that the floppy disk thingy was missing! to burn my files in cd is also impossible, coz i dont have the cd-rw (or is it cd-wr??) thingy....
2. laptop. i know damn well that it's out of my financial reach. but i would like to have a laptop one day. it really comes in handy when your home pc is being used frequently by other members of your family, or when you dont have the mood to use the computer but actually you have to, just because it's already late at night n you're tired. so, if i have a laptop, i can actually write my assignments and stuff during school hours...rather than at home, around 11pm...12am..1am..
n now, about what i dream to get..to achieve...
hmmm...im a bit embarrassed to write it here... coz it looks a little bit too ambitious...but never mind, coz i've decided to share with you...n to remind myself - if i ever read this entry again in future - what i had wanted during my teen years.
i would like to study in oxford. yes, oxford university. i dont know why. i dont have a concrete reason. well, that's not true. my reason is superficial, really: it is a prestigious university and it sounds old and grand.
or if not oxford, then somewhere in england. or ireland. or scotland. the states? no thanks, harvard and yale have the least appeal to me. plus, they're totally out of my league. princeton? MIT? wow! they are some to-die-for universities huh? but again, im not a genius. and looking at my average intelligence and discouraging attitude, i dont deserve to be enrolled there.
remembering a near past (i mean, something that is not so long ago), i had wanted to do an International Baccaleaurate (i dont know how to spell the second word). and at King Khalid Islamic College of Victoria. oh how i yearned to go there! n i cried thinking, trying to swallow the fact that i cant afford it, n im simply not good enough to be accepted there. yes, the second fact is true. you cant deny it, not you, my friends, not you, my teachers.
im the kind of person who finds it hard to let go of certain things. in this case, dreams or wishes that i had held so long, so dear. n even though getting into oxford seems miles n miles away, i just keep it in my heart. but, i keep it somewhere distant in my heart. coz, i dont want to put too much hope. coz it may hurt me later. furthermore, i may change my mind one day. so, there could be lesser chance that i might get disappointed with myself.
speaking of prestigious universities, let me tell you something about myself: im one of those people who get attracted to things intellectual, or scholarly, if you know what i mean. be it intellectual people, schools/institutions where a lot of intellectuals are found. call me shallow, whatever. i dont care.
i guess, all these popular, prestigious, excellent institutions, which have carved their marks in history, make people want to go there, to be part of them. people like me.
so, schools like RI, RGS, RJC, VJC...i must say, i am sometimes green with envy of those bright students there. not in a negative way..but positive. universities like oxford, cambridge, harvard, MIT,yale, princeton....well, ashamed that i am, these are the only excellent institutions that i know of. i may be blind with these all-too-well-known places. maybe i dont read enough. i must find out more universities that are of great standards n qualities.
oh, n is there an adjective for people like me, as i've described above? mind you, my vocabulary is horrifying, if not embarrassing. for a 17-year-old.
there! i've told you this little wish of mine. =)
but wait, if you ask me, if i cant go to europe, where else do i want to pursue my studies? for now, i choose australia. but i dont know which are the top universities there. n which universities offer the best degree (modules, system, facilities, achievements, etc) in the field that i plan to concentrate in.
to add on what i've already mentioned (that my reason is superficial), i think that as i grow older, more matured, more knowledgeable, more information at hand, i will start to think more than 'old and grand'. perhaps reasons that are more well-rounded, logic, according-to-needs, deep, if you know what i mean.
thinking again, wishing all these may as well be useless if i dont work towards them. i must think about my own capabilities, limitations that i have. shortly, i must think and decide rationally. i wasnt being quite rational when i wanted to go to KKICV. nevertheless, i must work my butt off, all body and spirit, to reach as high as i allow myself to be.
in the end, i must have The PhD. Passion. Hunger. and Drive. for excellence.
what matters most in life
it's 12.52 in the morning, according to the small clock on my computer screen.
i guess you might be wondering, what the heck this girl is doing late at night?! well, i must say that this time is actually a good time for me to blog, albeit my eyes are getting uncomfortable staring at the screen. coz, one thing, there's no one to interrupt me. yey.
ok... so, i read kak khadijah's blog just now.... something about being grown up and thinking seriously, pondering about life.
i guess we arent kids anymore huh? living a carefree life? even back then, were we really that happy, having not to worry about stuff?
anyway, i think too. though i dont really do much thinking these days. being caught up in issues this, issues that, i forgot - or shall i say, dont have time - to actually sit and think. i miss that, sometimes. during my secondary school days, if you read my entries from the past years, i think i might have mentioned somewhere that i "think too much it hurts and tires me" or something like that.
n nowadays, whenever my brain's ticking, tocking, i would always forget what it's all about. n i dont get to write my thoughts here, properly.
never mind.
so, about this post's title:
hmmm... i've been questioning myself: what's important in my life? what matters? what is my priority?
n all these all-too-familiar-and-similar questions bring me back to the threshold: what's my purpose of life in the first place?
now that im in a different world in the same world, i couldnt help it but ask myself. n yet again, this important question is always brushed aside. coz i dont seem to care about it. oh! how have i changed!
i still remember, i once wrote in my little orang notebook - now lost - things that matters to me, in order of priority. but now, im not even sure if im holding on to that.
tahfiz.
how shall i put it? im just too embarrassed to admit it. it was once one of the top priorities in my teenage life. it still is. but only a priority. no number this time.
studies.
a friend of mine asked me just now, "have you studied?" and i said, "nope." emotionless. often, i wonder where my spirits have gone.. the happy, excited, always-on-the-go, puntual spirits.. the liveliness. sometimes, i wonder if it has been sapped out of me. because of what? i dare not say.
ahlulquranpts.
ouh~ i feel no spark now. just a little, maybe. where has the good time gone? maybe im such a loser.... a pathetic leader. saying it's a priority, holding on to it. but what good have i done to the group? i had wanted so much to be part of it, but now, i guess, i need to renew my intentions, my enthusiasm.
ccas.
i would like to be a well-rounded student, yes. oh! how i would love to! being able to juggle this, keeping that, doing those. the challenge is good. the experiences are just as well..... though.... i have a feeling it's starting to have a toll on me. n because of it, im jeopardizing my principles, my religion. one that i have held on for sooo long. one that, all these years, has not been tarnished nor tested.
Allah and his Rasul.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
what can i say, oh Allah?
You know my heart best!
im just afraid that my words would betray me.
im just so.........
shameful.
for not stopping to think.
to thank.
to cherish.
n im just sooo ashamed of what i've become.
so much for declaring that i love Allah and prophet Muhammad!
but what have i done to prove it!
n im not even trying!
n so much for priorities which i cannot hold.
n promises i cannot keep.
i guess, this is how it goes huh? me, getting all emotional, late at night, early in the morning... my tears arent even flowing. you hypocrite!
ok.
let me just get straight to the point.
in life, you must know what you are supposed to do. what you must do. what you need to do. along the middle, it's what you want to do. n somewhere in the back, what you're forbidden to dwell on to.
please, dont read the above paragraph again. coz you will never understand what i just wrote. coz i dont either.
i guess, what matters most in life is living life knowing, always, that you're going to die and meet Him. n then, the question will be, how do you want your end to be? that is, what have you prepared for the next life.
nothing else matters, except...
it's all up to you to decide. me, to decide. what matters to each and every one of us? i bet it's something worldly, something superficial. fake.
n no, i dont really think too much while writing this post. im already sleepy. not much feelings.
so, take no heed to my advice. pay no attention to my latenightearlymorning free talk.
it's all crap.
*im such a pessimist.puncturing my own self-esteem*
i guess you might be wondering, what the heck this girl is doing late at night?! well, i must say that this time is actually a good time for me to blog, albeit my eyes are getting uncomfortable staring at the screen. coz, one thing, there's no one to interrupt me. yey.
ok... so, i read kak khadijah's blog just now.... something about being grown up and thinking seriously, pondering about life.
i guess we arent kids anymore huh? living a carefree life? even back then, were we really that happy, having not to worry about stuff?
anyway, i think too. though i dont really do much thinking these days. being caught up in issues this, issues that, i forgot - or shall i say, dont have time - to actually sit and think. i miss that, sometimes. during my secondary school days, if you read my entries from the past years, i think i might have mentioned somewhere that i "think too much it hurts and tires me" or something like that.
n nowadays, whenever my brain's ticking, tocking, i would always forget what it's all about. n i dont get to write my thoughts here, properly.
never mind.
so, about this post's title:
hmmm... i've been questioning myself: what's important in my life? what matters? what is my priority?
n all these all-too-familiar-and-similar questions bring me back to the threshold: what's my purpose of life in the first place?
now that im in a different world in the same world, i couldnt help it but ask myself. n yet again, this important question is always brushed aside. coz i dont seem to care about it. oh! how have i changed!
i still remember, i once wrote in my little orang notebook - now lost - things that matters to me, in order of priority. but now, im not even sure if im holding on to that.
tahfiz.
how shall i put it? im just too embarrassed to admit it. it was once one of the top priorities in my teenage life. it still is. but only a priority. no number this time.
studies.
a friend of mine asked me just now, "have you studied?" and i said, "nope." emotionless. often, i wonder where my spirits have gone.. the happy, excited, always-on-the-go, puntual spirits.. the liveliness. sometimes, i wonder if it has been sapped out of me. because of what? i dare not say.
ahlulquranpts.
ouh~ i feel no spark now. just a little, maybe. where has the good time gone? maybe im such a loser.... a pathetic leader. saying it's a priority, holding on to it. but what good have i done to the group? i had wanted so much to be part of it, but now, i guess, i need to renew my intentions, my enthusiasm.
ccas.
i would like to be a well-rounded student, yes. oh! how i would love to! being able to juggle this, keeping that, doing those. the challenge is good. the experiences are just as well..... though.... i have a feeling it's starting to have a toll on me. n because of it, im jeopardizing my principles, my religion. one that i have held on for sooo long. one that, all these years, has not been tarnished nor tested.
Allah and his Rasul.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
what can i say, oh Allah?
You know my heart best!
im just afraid that my words would betray me.
im just so.........
shameful.
for not stopping to think.
to thank.
to cherish.
n im just sooo ashamed of what i've become.
so much for declaring that i love Allah and prophet Muhammad!
but what have i done to prove it!
n im not even trying!
n so much for priorities which i cannot hold.
n promises i cannot keep.
i guess, this is how it goes huh? me, getting all emotional, late at night, early in the morning... my tears arent even flowing. you hypocrite!
ok.
let me just get straight to the point.
in life, you must know what you are supposed to do. what you must do. what you need to do. along the middle, it's what you want to do. n somewhere in the back, what you're forbidden to dwell on to.
please, dont read the above paragraph again. coz you will never understand what i just wrote. coz i dont either.
i guess, what matters most in life is living life knowing, always, that you're going to die and meet Him. n then, the question will be, how do you want your end to be? that is, what have you prepared for the next life.
nothing else matters, except...
it's all up to you to decide. me, to decide. what matters to each and every one of us? i bet it's something worldly, something superficial. fake.
n no, i dont really think too much while writing this post. im already sleepy. not much feelings.
so, take no heed to my advice. pay no attention to my latenightearlymorning free talk.
it's all crap.
*im such a pessimist.puncturing my own self-esteem*
it's nearly the end of 3rd term.
acknowledgements:
1. ana ucapkan terima kasih kpd kak juwita dan juga ustazah sakinah di atas ucapan hari jadi yg diberikan =) begitu juga kpd kawan2 yang lain... terharu jugak bila ade org ingat.... sampai kwn2 kt DQ pon ingat.... syukran ye? ^_^
oh! for readers who dont know what im talking about, it's about birthday wishes. for me. n fyi, my birthday is not in december *just in case you got the wrong info*
2. to cuz: hey!!!! oops! i mean, assalamu `alaikum! fuyo~~ it's been a long time since i last saw you... hehe.. i've been wanting to know how you are, how your school is - environment, study, friends - aaahh~ hope you're doing well! but i dont know how to reach you. err... actually, i thought you have no internet connection there...or at least, you dont have you own personal laptop or something. *a bit too narrow-minded, me* so, i was quite suprised that you tagged.
-------------------------------------------
term test week's coming up!!
this coming monday, to be exact. aiyo~~ so much for wanting to get straight A's for this semester. i just hope i will NOT get any C..... klw dulu2 tu boleh lah...sebab C was for Cemerlang. heh. sekarang ni.....*fillintheblank*
on a happier note, the first HPI practical report, which my partner and i submitted veeerrry the late, well, we got 47/50! alhamdulillah~~! rase gembire, rase bersyukur, rase 'biar-betik!'... waduh~ hanye Tuhan je yang tahu! me asyik tgk2 je practical report...sapelah yg tk happy, rase bangge jugak (tp untuk diri sendiri ah~ bukan bangge smpi show off gitu!), all the rush, typing, squeezing of the brains, finding the right words....but all tainted with late submission..... akhirnye, kite dpt jugak markah yg memberangsangkan! my second HPI prac report pon ok jugak, 32/40...dgn 2 partners lain =)
hmmm...about my previous entries...well, i hope you wont misinterpret them.... im not living a sad, depressed life ok? my school life is practically normal. n i never felt better! struggling in school is a normal thing. n im doing ok.
plus, im recommending you this book: "Luna - a novel" by julie anne peters. the book's soooo damn touching, meaningful that my eyes were brimming with tears - tears of sympathy, sadness, painful joy.... what's the book about? go find out yourself! when i read the synopsis, i thought,"hey, why dont i give it a try? it's an interesting n controversial topic. i hope this book will shed some light on it...give new perspective...from the eyes of the main character n her brother"
yep. it's worth a read, guys! oh! n do read "define normal" too. by the same author.
you know what? im still thinking about writing the 'crushes' post. feel like writing now...but worry that i might drag the story until wayyyy toooo loooonggg *n boring too*
ok, i guess that's all the update i have for now. at least you know im still alive and kickin' =p
1. ana ucapkan terima kasih kpd kak juwita dan juga ustazah sakinah di atas ucapan hari jadi yg diberikan =) begitu juga kpd kawan2 yang lain... terharu jugak bila ade org ingat.... sampai kwn2 kt DQ pon ingat.... syukran ye? ^_^
oh! for readers who dont know what im talking about, it's about birthday wishes. for me. n fyi, my birthday is not in december *just in case you got the wrong info*
2. to cuz: hey!!!! oops! i mean, assalamu `alaikum! fuyo~~ it's been a long time since i last saw you... hehe.. i've been wanting to know how you are, how your school is - environment, study, friends - aaahh~ hope you're doing well! but i dont know how to reach you. err... actually, i thought you have no internet connection there...or at least, you dont have you own personal laptop or something. *a bit too narrow-minded, me* so, i was quite suprised that you tagged.
-------------------------------------------
term test week's coming up!!
this coming monday, to be exact. aiyo~~ so much for wanting to get straight A's for this semester. i just hope i will NOT get any C..... klw dulu2 tu boleh lah...sebab C was for Cemerlang. heh. sekarang ni.....*fillintheblank*
on a happier note, the first HPI practical report, which my partner and i submitted veeerrry the late, well, we got 47/50! alhamdulillah~~! rase gembire, rase bersyukur, rase 'biar-betik!'... waduh~ hanye Tuhan je yang tahu! me asyik tgk2 je practical report...sapelah yg tk happy, rase bangge jugak (tp untuk diri sendiri ah~ bukan bangge smpi show off gitu!), all the rush, typing, squeezing of the brains, finding the right words....but all tainted with late submission..... akhirnye, kite dpt jugak markah yg memberangsangkan! my second HPI prac report pon ok jugak, 32/40...dgn 2 partners lain =)
hmmm...about my previous entries...well, i hope you wont misinterpret them.... im not living a sad, depressed life ok? my school life is practically normal. n i never felt better! struggling in school is a normal thing. n im doing ok.
plus, im recommending you this book: "Luna - a novel" by julie anne peters. the book's soooo damn touching, meaningful that my eyes were brimming with tears - tears of sympathy, sadness, painful joy.... what's the book about? go find out yourself! when i read the synopsis, i thought,"hey, why dont i give it a try? it's an interesting n controversial topic. i hope this book will shed some light on it...give new perspective...from the eyes of the main character n her brother"
yep. it's worth a read, guys! oh! n do read "define normal" too. by the same author.
you know what? im still thinking about writing the 'crushes' post. feel like writing now...but worry that i might drag the story until wayyyy toooo loooonggg *n boring too*
ok, i guess that's all the update i have for now. at least you know im still alive and kickin' =p
let's talk
do you know the feeling
when sometimes
you're simply unsure who to talk to
about what is new, what is wrong, what is happening
about what you're going through
coz you doubt if anybody actually wants to listen
to your pain, complain, joy and laughter
if anybody actually understands what you're saying
your ideas, opinions, confessions and insights
n maybe, coz you're afraid people may judge you
afraid of the verdict
that you are not what you were
or that you were not what you are
do you know that feeling
when you hesitate to turn to your old friends
to confide, to share, to impart
the new experience and discoveries you've made
afraid that they may not be interested to hear all that
coz you're not in the same line anymore
just as well
when you hesitate to talk to your new friends
to tell them tales of your past
the stories of today
the dreams of tomorrow
coz you still dont know them enough
do you know the feeling
kind of lost
old friends - they dont know what you've become
and you dont want them to know who you are now
new friends - they dont know who you were back then
and you cant explain to them who your old self was
then who can you trust your feelings and thoughts with?
there's God.
oh! how many hours a day that you forget about Him?
how many seconds a day that you even think about Him?
how many times do you turn to Him and pray?
how many?
when sometimes
you're simply unsure who to talk to
about what is new, what is wrong, what is happening
about what you're going through
coz you doubt if anybody actually wants to listen
to your pain, complain, joy and laughter
if anybody actually understands what you're saying
your ideas, opinions, confessions and insights
n maybe, coz you're afraid people may judge you
afraid of the verdict
that you are not what you were
or that you were not what you are
do you know that feeling
when you hesitate to turn to your old friends
to confide, to share, to impart
the new experience and discoveries you've made
afraid that they may not be interested to hear all that
coz you're not in the same line anymore
just as well
when you hesitate to talk to your new friends
to tell them tales of your past
the stories of today
the dreams of tomorrow
coz you still dont know them enough
do you know the feeling
kind of lost
old friends - they dont know what you've become
and you dont want them to know who you are now
new friends - they dont know who you were back then
and you cant explain to them who your old self was
then who can you trust your feelings and thoughts with?
there's God.
oh! how many hours a day that you forget about Him?
how many seconds a day that you even think about Him?
how many times do you turn to Him and pray?
how many?
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