i've so much to say, so much to say, so much to say.

but i dont want to write. i want to talk. say it out loud --

i am distracted again. i hate it when it happens. my focus slips.

it causes me to stop writing. coz i feel that i am writing for someone else.

thus i want to see someone. i want to see them.

to tell them, to tell them, to tell them

these feelings of mine

the happiness that's seeping through
the joy
the worry that's gripping me
the sadness
the anxiety that's paralysing
the fear
the excitement that's making me dizzy with ecstacy
ohh.. all these feelings - and more!
they are just, extraordinary;

make me human.

i want to see you. i want to see all of you.

---

i am afraid of the moments when i get distracted

let me be brave. let me forget. let me go.

i dont want to be distracted.

i want to be free.

not you.

not you.

not yet.

God, help me.

ummah.. ummah.. ummah..


ummah.. ummah.. ummah..


ummatii..


ummatii..


ummatii..


ummatii..


ummatii..






*********************


A new year's approaching. 1430 hijriyyah muwafiqah 2009 masihi.

- take a deep breath ... release slowly -

kak rufi sent a message via multiply about doing a survey regarding hijab. it's created by her friend, for research, so she's helping to spread the word.


then, in reply to her message, a sister sent a poem titled Object of Despair by Fahim Firfiray (Abu Omar). i like this bit very much:

Strength lies in anonymity
Be a shadow in the crowd
Until you speak and interact
When your voice will carry loud

Here's the full version:

Emma is a lawyer
And so is Aisha too
Colleagues going into court
At circa half past two

Its 1 O'clock right now
They grab a bite before the trial
They chat about this and that
Conversing with a smile

Aisha is in full hijab
With a loose all over suit
Emma's in her business wear
With accessories taboot

Emma's really quite bemused
At Aisha's godly ways
She looks Aisha in the eyes
And very firmly says

You're a smart girl Aisha
Why do you wear that across your hair?
Subjugated by "man"-kind
An object of despair

Take it off my sister
Let your banner be unfurled
Don't blindly follow all around
DECLARE YOUR FREEDOM TO THE WORLD

Aisha is amazed
But not the least bit shy
She bravely puts her milk shake down
And gives Emma the reply

My dear sister Emma,
Why do you dress the way you do?
The skirt you're wearing round your waist,
Is it really you?

Now that we've sat down,
I see you tug it across your thighs,
Do you feel ashamed?
Aware of prying eyes?

I see the way you're sitting,
Both legs joined at the knees,
Who forces you to sit like that?
Do you feel at ease?

I'll tell you who obliges you,
To dress the way you do,
Gucci, Klein and St. Laurent,
All have designs on you!

In the main, its men my friend,
Who dictate the whims of fashion,
Generating all the garb,
To incite the basest passion

"Sex Sells" there is no doubt,
But who buys with such great haste,
The answer is the likes of you,
Because they want to be embraced......

They want to be accepted,
On a level playing field
Sure, with brain and intellect
But with body parts revealed

Intelligence and reason
Are useful by and by
But if you want to make a mark
Stay appealing to the eye

You claim your skirt is office like
A business dress of sorts
Would we not laugh at Tony Blair
If he turned up in shorts?

His could be the poshest pants
Pinstripe from Saville Rowe
But walking round like that my friend
He'd really have to go

Why do you douse yourself with creams
To make your skin so milky?
Why do rip off all your hair
To keep your body silky?

A simple shower's all you need
To stay respectable and clean
The time and money that you spend
Is really quite obscene

Why do you wake up at dawn,
To apply a firm foundation,
Topped with make up and the like,
In one chaotic combination?

And if you should have to leave the house
Devoid of this routine
Why do you feel so insecure
That you should not be seen?

Be free my sister Emma
Escape from your deep mire
Don hijab today my friend
And all Islam's attire

Avoid all those sickly stares
Or whistles from afar
Walk down the street with dignity
Take pride in who you are

Strength lies in anonymity
Be a shadow in the crowd
Until you speak and interact
When your voice will carry loud

You're a smart girl Emma
Wear this across your hair
Don't be subjugated by "man"-kind
An object of despair

To use your very words my friend
Let your banner be unfurled
Don't blindly follow all around
DECLARE YOUR FREEDOM TO THE WORLD

just for the record

My First Time solat hari raya.. in my entire life. took place at masjid assyafaah, 8am on 9 dec 2008, bersamaan 10 dzulhijjah 1429H.

gembira sangat2!!

klw tahun2 sebelum ni, it's like 'errr.. tak heran'. rasenya, 2 tahun lepas or setahun yang lalu, baru tergerak hati nak gi solat raya. tapi tak gi.. tak ingat kenapa. bangun lambat or tak boleh solat.

masa eidilfitri tahun ni.. i was really looking forward to go to the masjid. i couldnt join the solat, but i didnt care. i wanted to go, coz i wanted to 'feel' the eid. when i woke up, mak, ayah, abang dah nak keluar rumah.. kelam-kabut jugak siap2, coz i wanted to witness the takbir and solat. naik mrt, turun kat sembawang, jalan kaki..

bila nampak ade pakcik2, orang2 on the way to mjd.. dgn baju kurung.. mcm touched gitu. then, i saw the masjid.. wah.. the wonderful feeling increased multifold gitu!.. bila nampak saf solat sampai ke gate masjid.. i was like *big-O* waaahhh... mcm gini rupenya.. touched lagi.

and so, the masjid grounds were all occupied.. so i could only watch from outside. lihat mcm2 orang.. anak-beranak lah.. dgn kawan2 lah.. tersenyum sendiri bila nampak the indians or bangladeshis with their costumes.. ade yang tak sempat gosok agaknya, or fresh from the plastic cover. hehe.. tapi, terhibur ah. you know, everybody was in the eid spirit, no matter what skin color you are. all under the banner of Islam. meraikan kemenangan.

okay, back to solat eidil adha -

solat kat dlm classroom. tgkt 3. tak kisah. yang penting, dapat experience takbir raya dgn jemaah lain, dan solat. for the first time lah sey. bayangkan!

oh, my fault though, i didnt read up on solat raya.. so i kinda 'rukuk halfway' mase imam takbir the second time. pfft.

after the solat ended, a sudden realisation.. that it was quick. i mean, i was still savouring the moment. tiba2, that's it, you know?

but still, the wonderful feeling like the one i felt time eidilfitri tu ada jugak. alhamdulillah..~

did i mention that the smell of the kambings was strong? ok, so, bro and i wanted to watch kambing kena sembelih. kita tunggu kat luar ah.. bukan kat compound masjid. tunggu punya tunggu.. mungkin dlm 45-55minit gitu kot. tgh tunggu tu, hujan gerimis.. then hujan betol2. wah! endure sey.. sempat jugak abang ambil kereta dari carpark kat kawasan perumahan, then park kat luar masjid.

nampak sgt pakcik2 kat area penyembelihan tu perasan ade dua audiences in the rain, under a big umbrella. gasak lah.. kita nak tgk jugak.

jeng jeng jeng!

bila the action dah nak mula, abang panggil mak yang sedang duduk dlm kereta. heee~ mak pon nak tgk. so.. ade pakcik yang dukung kambing.. bawak keluar dari kandang, letak tag. baringkan kat tempat penyembelihan.. urut2.. -

kita tak dapat tgk the actual moment/scene kambing disembelih with an unobstructed view :( sebab ade orang2 yang berdiri around the kambing.. hold the kepala and whatnot.. hmmm.. takpelah. tgk dari jauh pon jadi.

bila dah puas tgk, then kita berangkat pulang. and this was about 9.40am.


sukerrr! ^_^

ohkayy... i found out that i did save three more smses from the 'ice kacang' guy.. saved them in my notebook, that is. actually, i had been wanting to write about the incident a long time ago.. but asyik delay.. and since my inbox tak boleh nak contain so much smses.. i jotted them down. go to the original post to see the edits.

****************

im in the last phase of my third year. Major Project is done and over with. honestly, it was the biggest obstacle ever. i just couldnt look into the future before 28 nov. 28 nov was the poster presentation, the last assessment for MP. finally, at about 3.10pm, i could breathe easily.

Wa 'ufawwidhu amrii ilallah...

even though i want so much to explore my options for the future, deep inside, i am really afraid. i know what im afraid of, but i just couldnt say it here. I can only pray and pray that the evaluators will mark leniently, yet, fairly. coz my conscience says i dont deserve to pass. Allah, help me.

now it's just problem-based learning (PBL). tak sibuk sangat. BUT! the unsettling matter above will always be in my mind. and i will only know of the result in 3 or 4 months. indeed, penantian adalah suatu penyeksaan!

generasi pelapis

seperti mana anti katakan dalam entry ini, kesian lah tengok remaja sekarang tapi kita kena ingat, dia mungkin tak seuntung kita yang dapat petunjuk Allah pada permulaan kita dilahirkan. terjaga sampai besar panjang ni. Itu juga bermakna amanah yang kita pukul lagi berat dari apa bro itu memikul.

the ummah needs more people like you. Jgn tawadhu' tak kena tempat ye. Jadi kena lah usaha siapkan diri jadi org tercontoh dan juga sediakan generasi pelapis yang bakal memikul amanah itu.

"Itu juga bermakna amanah yang kita pukul lagi berat dari apa bro itu memikul."
Hmmm... betul. *rase mcm kena slapped in the face* sigh.. the word "amanah" has this big weight in it. korang rase tak? cuba sebut perkataan itu sekali lagi: A-maa-nah!

Terima kasih, Tuhan.. di atas ni'mat Iman dan Islam..

"Jadi kena lah usaha siapkan diri jadi org tercontoh dan juga sediakan generasi pelapis yang bakal memikul amanah itu."
heheh, nak jadi orang tercontoh ni.. *tgk cermin*.. inshaAllah..
sediakan generasi pelapis?

YES!

tiba2 me terpikir tentang NI, dan terutama sekali, my juniors in alsagoff. in PRISMA.

-fikir panjang-

Thanks, Bro, for your comment. i appreciate it!

*********

two weeks ago, mase usrah kat mks.. anisah, sakinah n aiman were sharing about keadaan kat alsagoff.. hmm.. nampaknyer, mcm ade 'masalah' dgn adik2 kat sana. risau lah!

dari segi akhlak, mostly.

personally, im just soo afraid and worried pikirkan keadaan anak2 madrasah.. as the years go by. especially, in my alma mater. takut pengajian di madrasah tu, setakat belajar untuk exam. takut madrasah dah jadi mcm sekolah lain. takut madrasah tak dapat nak lentur adik2 ni menjadi muslim dan muslimah yang baik akhlaknya..

ade jugak ah, tgk2 blog a few juniors. hmmm.. sedih!

i dont want my juniors to think that madrasah tak boleh offer them the best environment, the holistic environment, for them to excel bila keluar nanti. ermm.. k, let me rephrase - i dont want them to think "ergghh.. bila lah aku nak graduate? aku nak masuk mainstream.."..

okay, that aside.

i want to talk about something else.

for more than a year now, i have this big urge to come back to school. to do something. to tell the teachers there, that madrasah plays a big, super duper role to didik pelajar2nye.

it's like, madrasah is the safe haven, you know? klw tak madrasah, mane lagi kite nak didik anak2 Islam tentang Islam? secara menyeluruh! and yes, and paling utama ialah mentarbiyah mereka dgn peribadi Islam. Subhanallah! bayangkan, my sisters and brothers from madrasah, graduate into the real world with personalities yang mengkagumkan dan berpegang pada prinsip2 agama. hmmm... 'Celupan Madrasah'

is it too much to ask for?

hmm.. korang rase, ade beza tak perwatakan seseorang yang dulu dari madrasah dan yang dari sekolah secular? for me, kite tak boleh nak rase.. coz, i was from a madrasah.. jadi, biased ah..

dari segi ilmu agama pon, i realise that madrasah has a lot to do to equip the students. for example, fiqh. cuba tunjukkan, bincangkan, isu2 kontemporari. tiba2 me teringat usul fiqh. ustazah selalu beri contoh 'dadah' dibandingkan dgn 'arak'. balik2 itu. afwan ust, ana tak berniat untuk memperkecilkan ust. cuma.. ana fikir, ada byk hukum2 yang nampak remeh, tapi sebenarnya, ialah sesuatu yang basic, yang sepatutnya, pelajar madrasah tahu.

klw kita gi website2 soal jawab tentang Islam.. kita akan baca macam2 kemusykilan agama. why not, organise an assignment for the students to solve a few questions.. dah tu, present kat kelas. dgn ini, pelajar boleh make use of the library kat tingkat 3 tu (byk buku2 'intellectual' kat situ) and learn research skills.. dapat improve presentation skills. ni dah mcm problem-based learning ah. dan. mereka dapat belajar selok-belok mencari dalil2 yang sohih, tulisan2 ulama', to support their answers.

another subject yang boleh diperdalamkan lagi skopnya ialah hadith. secara terus terang, kite rase tak salah, malah menguntungkan, klw pelajar2 didedahkan dgn contoh2 perbahasan tentang hadith2 dho'if.. bid'ah or ape2 ah.. this exposure kan, will at least give the students a sort of 'advanced standing' bila keluar nanti. lebih2 lagi for those yang tak continue into religious field.

anak2 madrasah kita perlu dibekalkan dgn ilmu yang substantial. not just theory, but practical.

klw quran dan tajwid pulak.. wah, ni penting! alhamdulillah.. one can see that those from madrasah dapat membaca dgn baik. tapi tajwid perlu dipertingkatkan lagi.

hmmmm... tapi, yang paling necessary ialah.. tarbiyyah rohani.. coz i think that kita masih lack kat situ.. pelajaran, ilmu is one thing ah.. tapi, kesedaran dlm diri masing2 tentang tanggungjawab kita sebagai seorang muslimah.. kesedaran.. kesedaran.. is another thing. need to instill the right values, to make them understand why we learn this, why we do that, guide them so that they can appreciate and experience for themselves, the beauty of Islam. okay, if this is too much, at least, get them to be aware that they need Islam, and Islam needs them.. so that in the future, ape pon steps they take, they will have Islam in their hearts and Allah as their common goal.

lagi2 klw dah masuk alam menengah.. this is where the spiritual development is crucial.. haiz~ teringat usrah.

k, i realise that im blabbering. ---

just to share, mase hari raya dgn kawan alsagoff.. kat rumah ust kamsinah.. i voiced out my concern.. that our students need more exposure.. to develop themselves in terms of communication skills, leadership skills and whatever else. pokoknyer, masa kat madrasah nih shouldnt be just about studying. this is where PRISMA can be utilised fully. and that, tarbiyah tu perlu. usaha dan peranan para ustazah dan ustaz sangat2 penting.. i want to tell them not to give up on these students.. merekalah murabbi.. and we need you, teachers!

some of my friends pon support jugak.. that madrasah needs to do more for the students.. tapi ape reaksi ustazah? ermmm... she nodded and all.. but she was not as enthusiastic as i thought she would be. perhaps i should go to ust zauwiah. maybe she would understand better.

so, mase usrah tu, me and kak mariam dah semangat.. i see the need for us, alsagoff alumni, to come together and help our juniors. i mean, we've seen the world, right? and im sure, a lot of us have different experience and expertise that we can share. (lebih2 lagi, kakak2 who are much2 older than me) it shouldnt be about us. it's about them. we want our juniors to be ready for the world. and not just like everyone else.. we hope to see our juniors become a full-fledged Muslimah. Mu'minah, Solehah, inshaAllah!

i said to kak mariam, "eh, klw adekan sistem usrah, bagus eh?" tak boleh disangkal, usrah merupakan satu platform yang sangat baik untuk membentuk adik2 kita. lebih efektif to focus on small groups.. hmm..

i also asked the trio, "kan PRISMA ada?" like i said, PRISMA is where our students can hone their organisational skills, etc. help bring colour to the school ah. since we dont have CCAs and we're mostly shut away from extra-alsagoff activities. but, they told me that the 'office' has lots of restrictions, although ust zauwiah supports the activities that PRISMA wants to do. hmmm.. i thought the school is more flexible now. k, this is just one side of the story. so, i guess, i may have to ask the 'office people' myself about this. or ask ust zauwiah. chett, liyana ni mcm berani nak tanya sekolah macam2 eh?

tapi kan, betol lah! the urge tu kadang2 kuat. rasa nak sangat berkhidmat kat sekolah balik. not as a teacher. but i want to do it through PRISMA. see, i told you, i still cant get over PRISMA even though it's been three years! haha tak lah.. it's just that, i see it has a potential.. takkan nama je alsagoff ade student body, tapi tak dapat gerak secara aktif mcm itmawat. i dunno how itmaj, asc and al-arabiah student council are doing. and i dunno if irsyad got their own student body. but what i do know, is that the other madrasahs got quite a number of activities/CCAs that the students can organise and participate in.

in summary, i hope to help my juniors, one way or another.

-the end-

p.s. haaahh.. ust sakinah nak proposal eh? ana takde proposal ah.. ni angan2. tgklah camne. do'akan eh? mudah2an, suatu hari nanti, kita (alumni) ramai2 dan guru2 dapat saling bantu-membantu to bring a positive change to the school, and the students. better still, let's spark a revolution!