The Aftermath

yesterday, as a lovely sister of mine and i stood at the side of the road, our backs on the glaring evening sun, she told me, "..we were chatting, happily talking to each other.. we didnt know what could hit us..." and i said to her, "yeah," i snapped my fingers, "like this."

and as i sat on the grass waiting for the cab to arrive, with her beside me, i stared at the greeneries, the branches and leaves with the sky as the backdrop, i thought about the people in the World Trade Centre, on that fateful day.. yeah, they had no idea what would happen to them.. never crossed their minds.. i imagined people busy clicking away their pc mouse, or talking over cups of coffee..

another of her words to me, that "life is fragile."

hmm.. and finally, after 30-40 minutes of waiting, the taxi came. and we left the scene.

****

worried that she wouldnt reach home for asar on time, she, for the first time in her life, prayed at the side of the road. never mind that vehicles were passing along~

and as she was praying, a simple thought came to my mind, "how nice it is to sujud anywhere.. it is His grass, His earth.." and i captured the picture of her praying into my memory ;)

****

she admitted that she was quite traumatized. "but you, you look cool and calm."

i guess i was.

funny, how there are people who, after a tragedy happened to them, have the time to think, have enough composure to ask themselves, "how should i feel about this?" like what my senior said in the sharing session during the meeting later that night. almost like a delayed reaction.

i guess i am one of those people.

and then i wondered, if i am actually in self-denial. trying to block out the images, to avoid from replaying that moment and reflecting on it. or maybe i am just physically and mentally tired, so i cant quite register the reality of what had just happened.

and today, as i was switching on my pc, already thinking of what i was going to share here, i suddenly felt that what happened yesterday evening was a distant memory. almost an illusion. and i still do not know how i should feel and react.

****

she asked me if i was alright. and i answered, "yes". only that my glasses were slightly bent. and because one of the nosepads was already missing, the metal grazed my skin, leaving a small scratch under my left eye.

but actually, i felt as though i was a bit giddy. i didnt know if it was my eyes or the lens of my glasses that suddenly show the world with extra clarity. wait, 'clarity' isnt exactly the right word.. hmm.. it's like.. 'bulging'.. but.. errrr... that's not accurate either. heh.

i was kind of afraid that i might be having a slight concussion. but hamdan lillah.. i was fine throughout.

she said i should go home. but i insisted on going to the meet. although i was a bit skeptical if i could concentrate, given the long day at the bukit gombak adventure centre (i dont know the actual name of the place) and insufficient rest from post-malay camp. and i was a bit worried my thoughts would wander around causing me to fall into silence and break down inside. but alhamdulillah... seeing the sisters at ghufran and discussing about the programme helped maintain my energy, my enthusiasm, my normal self.

****

i have yet to deal with what happened. hmmm... i pray that she and i will be alright.

****

Al-Agharr al-Muzani who was from amongst the Companions of Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) reported that Ibn 'Umar stated to him that Allah's Messenger (may peace 'be upon him) said: O people, seek repentance from Allah. Verily, I seek repentance from Him a hundred times a day.

Hadith no. 6523 in The Book Pertaining to the Remembrance of Allah, Supplication, Repentance and Seeking Forgiveness (Kitab Al-Dhikr) of Sahih Muslim

you know, just now as i was teman-ing fatimah solat asar, as i was leaning on the table, looking out the window, i said softly to myself, "why am i doing this?" as i gazed at the leaves of the trees, i asked myself again, "why am i doing this?" after she finished praying and we walked down the stairs to the canteen, that question disappeared again into the mist. then, as i was waiting for the bus, fidgety and anxious to get home, i repeated to myself, "why am i doing this?"

i couldnt convince myself of the right answer. i couldnt invoke the deep thinker in me.

i've realised this for quite some time now: that i'm always engulfed in the rush, in the technicalities, in the frustrations.. i keep forgetting to see beyond the sphere of work that eats up my energy, my time. i keep forgetting to reflect, to renew my niyyah, to always have faith and to work with a clear objective in mind. i keep forgetting the purpose of it all.. it seems that i'm always short-sighted.

i notice that i don't give enough time to sit down, to ponder and wonder about this. i need to do some soul-searching.

i need to get out. May Allah grant me the time, the money, the opportunity. may Allah ease my plan.

i can choose to stop and not be bothered, but my better half says that i must go out and give.

still trying to figure out..

can anyone lend me $800?????

i wanna buy a laptop.

haha.

but seriously ah, geram je tgk the deals offered at gumtree singapore.

got this HP Pavilion laptop dv4-1104TU at $800~

there's also Fujitsu E8410 at $850~

Lenovo S10 at $600~ wait, is this a mini? errr.. kite kurang minat mini notebooks~

and yang paling tempting: Sony Vaio VGN-CR353 at $1,100.

i know nuts about specifications, but, can always ask my brother or other brothers.

hmmm... dalam mimpi je lah eh, liyana.

earn your own money first, then can buy a laptop, alright?

*sighs and nods head slowly*