you know, just now as i was teman-ing fatimah solat asar, as i was leaning on the table, looking out the window, i said softly to myself, "why am i doing this?" as i gazed at the leaves of the trees, i asked myself again, "why am i doing this?" after she finished praying and we walked down the stairs to the canteen, that question disappeared again into the mist. then, as i was waiting for the bus, fidgety and anxious to get home, i repeated to myself, "why am i doing this?"

i couldnt convince myself of the right answer. i couldnt invoke the deep thinker in me.

i've realised this for quite some time now: that i'm always engulfed in the rush, in the technicalities, in the frustrations.. i keep forgetting to see beyond the sphere of work that eats up my energy, my time. i keep forgetting to reflect, to renew my niyyah, to always have faith and to work with a clear objective in mind. i keep forgetting the purpose of it all.. it seems that i'm always short-sighted.

i notice that i don't give enough time to sit down, to ponder and wonder about this. i need to do some soul-searching.

i need to get out. May Allah grant me the time, the money, the opportunity. may Allah ease my plan.

i can choose to stop and not be bothered, but my better half says that i must go out and give.

still trying to figure out..