What if, the day i give birth is the day i die. What preparations am i making to meet my Lord and tie any loose ends about my worldly affairs?
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Macam best gitu eh, dapat bonus.
Dulu kite kerja, takde performance bonus, takde 13th month bonus.. maklum lah, company kecil.. belom ada profit. Tapi dapat increment lah. So, alhamdulillah!
Bila ditanya, teringin apa, kite jawab entah. Padahal, macam2 benda kite nak.. ada perkara kite nak buat kalau ada duit lebih. Tapi kite segan nak mintak, sebab duit tu bukan kite punye. Bukan dari penat-lelah kite. Apakah kite tak tahu malu nak ambil duit dari keringat orang lain?!
Ya.. kadang2 kite fikir, alangkah bestnya kalau ada gaji sendiri, duit sendiri.. lebih bebas utk spend utk diri sendiri, utk mak, utk anak, utk suami, utk masa depan, utk saham akhirat. Dan, tak perlu beritahu sape2 what exactly are the things i spend. Tangan kiri tak perlu tahu apa yang tangan kanan buat.
Tapi, hakikatnya, jadi ibu sepanjang hari, isteri sepanjang hari, suri rumah sepanjang hari, takde gaji. Sabar lah wahai diri. Gaji awak dengan Allah.. kan tu lebih baik. So, senyum k? :)
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I realised yesterday that most likely no one will come to visit this Raya. Because people usually want to see mak, and mak is always not at home. So they will just dismiss the idea of coming to woodlands.
Kite rasa macam sedih pulak.
On a lighter note, i think i should start helping myself with the Raya cookies - no restraint - and ask my husband to join too.
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5 hours of swelling is not fun at all. While the other person moves on to other activities for the day, u suffer in pain on ur own.. all the while smiling, pretending to shake it off as though it is no big deal.
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Sometimes i think i might have a mild depression. Or split personality. It only manifests when i am alone.
Then again, maybe i'm overthinking it. It's just the pregnancy hormones lah.. not really depression.
But really, this time i am more sensitive, more sad, i build higher expectations of people around me - potentially causing even more (perceived) disappointment, i am more critical of myself and others, more anxious and worried..
And sometimes i feel lonely.
I still tell myself, ni semua kerja pregnancy hormones lah kan. I dont need to talk to anyone, or see a counsellor. I am alright.
I am always alright the next day. U won't even know i had an upsetting episode unless i tell u.
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These past few months, i've been reminicsing about my dad, and other family members who have passed on. Occasionally they become characters in my dreams. Sometimes i try to imagine - not without hesitation and fear - how will it be like when i die.. who will visit, how will they react, who will bathe my body, who will escort me to the grave, how will i be when i wake up inside the grave.
Is my time here ending soon..?
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I think i should sleep already.
