Masih dalam Istikharah.. part trois

maybe, the msn conversation i had with my senior is a sign.
maybe, the conversation i had with kak syazwani masa NI mixed usrah last friday, when she mentioned about 'berburuk sangka dgn diri sendiri..', is a sign.
maybe, the conversations i had with ayah yesterday and mak today are signs too.

Alhamdulillah.. one huge obstacle has been overcome. maybe you know what it was, based on the msn conversation.

there are still few things to be thought through.

"Ya Allah! Aku mohon pemilihan Mu menerusi pengetahuan Mu dan aku mohon kekuatan Mu menerusi kudrat Mu serta aku minta pada Mu sebahagian dari limpah kurnia Mu yang sangat besar. Sesungguhnya Engkau amat berkuasa sedangkan aku tidak berkuasa, Engkau amat mengetahui sedangkan aku tidak mengetahui dan sesungguhnya Engkau amat mengetahui segala yang ghaib. Ya Allah kiranya Engkau mengetahui bahawa perkara ini (…sebutkan hajat..) adalah baik bagiku dalam urusan agama ku juga dalam urusan penghidupan ku serta natijah pada urusan ku, kini dan akan datang, maka tetapkan lah ia bagi ku dan permudahkanlah ia untukku, serta berkatilah daku padanya. Dan kiranya Engkau mengetahui bahawa perkara ini (…sebutkan hajat..) membawa kejahatan kepadaku dalam urusan agamaku, juga dalam urusan penghidupanku dan natijah urusanku, kini dan akan datang, maka elakkanlah ia dariku dan tetapkanlah kebaikan untukku sebagaimana sepatutnya, kemudian jadikanlah daku meredhainya. (Dari hadis riwayat Imam Bukhari)".
nurjeehan.wordpress.com

a bit of relief

Alhamdulillah...! i've secured 7% for Medical Microbiology.

tadi, pukul 9 ade quiz. BUT! this one was different from the conventional written quiz. it is a VIVA. what is Viva? basically, it's an oral quiz.

first time uh. we went into the tutorial room in our respective groups. so, mine was the first to go in today (about 5 groups already had the viva yesterday). bila dlm perjalanan gi sekolah, baru me teringat that it was open-book. ringan sikit.. tak pecah kepala nak hafal (actually, kat lecture notes sikit info.. tapi yang kat textbook tu yang susah nak digest).

pikir boleh duduk in any order.. rupa2nya, had to sit ikut registration number. so, i was first.. Ya Allah! gugup! mana taknya, semalam, farhana and the gang (as in, dia punye group) cakap susah.. application questions, quite unpredictable.

bila Dr Lee asked me the first question "describe the host defence", i was quite suprised. coz it was an easy, or shall i say, 'give-away', question. tapi tu lah, gugup punya pasal... jawapan tunggang terbalik.. and... selak2 notes cari answer. padahal, the answer was right in front of me.. boleh tak nampak. so, ade jugak points that i missed.

bila dgr soalan2 untuk my 4 other groupmates, boleh dikatakan mudah.. but i can understand why most couldnt answer correctly/completely. and then, Dr Lee gave feedback before he gave the 2nd questions. alhamdulillah.. i did ok. hmm.. ni part yang tak best jugak, sbb penyakit hati ni senang je nak dtg.. mendengarkan komen guru kat kawan2 yang lain.. hmm.. i tried to focus on reciting "rabbish rahli.." sbb silap2 Allah tarik ni'mat yang dah diberi, lantas i might not be able to answer later.

the next round. i thought he would ask from topic 2 'Diagnostic Methods'. ni yang seram sangat ni. dah pasrah uh soalan ape beliau nak bagi. sekali, dia tanya from topic 1 jugak.. "what are the different types of host-pathogen interactions" tapi kan! ni bukan medical microbiology tau. this is basic microbiology.. so it should've been general knowledge for us now. sayangnya, i CANT remember.. tak tahu ape nak jawab. normal flora, opportunistic pathogen, and a bit of stuff from textbook (haa.. this one terkeluar habis! coz that particular content wasnt talking exactly about host-pathogen interactions), tu yang me sebut. actually, sipi2 me ingat about the microbe harms the host, microbe and host benefit, lagi satu tak sure.. tapi me tak ingat the terms..

awkward jugak lah.. Dr Lee kasi hint.. "good and bad interactions". still tak leh nak kasi the exact answer. rase sedih jugak. tapi ianya cukup memberi kesedaran: this may be a kaffarah for a dosa i did just now, 3 hours ago, or yesterday..

at the end, i got 7 marks. gembira sgt2! sebab pikir i would get 5 or 4 marks. and 1 groupmate, he got 10 over 10. happy for him =)

as you can see, the viva has a high weightage. only 10 marks (2 questions x 5 marks), but it covers 10% of the OVERALL percentage for the subject. faham tak? 1 mark gone, 1% gone. so, for me, 7% secured dah cukup baik. coz i wont know how much of the balance percentage (90%, from assignments/term test/class participation) i will get.

once again, alhamdulillah~

Masih dalam Istikharah.. part deux

Okay, i know only 3 NI member/alumni who read my blog.. i dunno who else, baik direct members or know someone from NI, visits this blog.

and im going to talk about NI. and me. so, i hope you will keep this to yourself. thank you =)

this is going to be a very long post. and a few of you, after reading the conversation below, will know whom i was talking to.
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senior says: Salam liyana!
she says: ws
senior says: haaa.. just so that u know, i wasnt the one who suggested that u vice chair NI tau!
senior says: hehe..
senior says: they came up with it on their own. and they told the alumni abt their plan of the comm.
she says: 'they' tu sape?
senior says: so we shared our views on it lorz.
senior says: the current comm.
she says: ohh
senior says: yupz yupz.
senior says: i only batu api kan lah kan.
senior says: bende yg baik tu kene rai kan =D
senior says: but of course, i was looking at the whole upcoming comm structure as a whole.
she says: hmmm... okay
i was starting to feel sad.. and was reminded that i still have 'something' on my shoulders.. i was sighing at that time. didn't know what to reply. didnt want to sound annoyed or falsely excited, or sad. so i just said "hmmm... okay"
senior says: Allah dah bagi tanda tanda ?
fuh~ direct sey tanya! macam teragak2 jugak nak jawab.
she says: klw tanda2 tu.... belom kot. tapi cakap hati... dah kot. tapi faktor luaran penting jugak to be considered.
senior says: sgt tepat!
senior says: tapi. tanda Allah tu mcm mcm tau.
she says: pokonyer, masih belum boleh kasi kata putus ah..
senior says: factor luaran tu pon boleh jadi tanda tanda.
she says: *pokoknyer
hmm.. klw tanda-tanda external, mcm mimpi ke (teringat satu bro pernah kata, "jgn tunggu mimpi!"hehe), or maybe terselak2 majalah nampak terjumpa sesuatu yang relate to NI ke, etc ah, tu memang takde kot.. atau diri sendiri sengaja tak nak akui. tapi klw tanda internal.. ade jugak.. more like an urge. bila fikir2, timbang2.. yes, that urge is there. tapi selalu dihalang oleh FAKTOR LUARAN.. nombor 1: my parents. betul lah.. i just cant imagine telling them about this request pon. sedangkan usrah dgn NI-ans pon i am always reluctant to ask for permission. *masalah besar uh*
senior says: tapi mcm kesian pulak eh. 1st da kene fikirkan ramadhan rocks.
she says: hmmm... tgh pikir jugak, if i dont take the position, sape2 lagi yang layak diketengahkan
senior says: pastu ingat dah lepas, skali ni dtg.
senior says: hehe
she says: yes!
she says: betOl sgt
memang tepat apa yang dikatakan.. bila shikin beritahu that me, her and marl are nominated for vice chair.. Ya Allah... susah hati ni. and i thought one is done and over with. coz RR, me dah tolak. cukuplah. tiba2, datang yang ini pula.. i really didnt know what to comment. diam je.. dalam kepala, dah pusing2: nak, tak nak, why this, why now, boleh ke, ayah, mak, SIP, amanah, masa, tenaga..
senior says: hahaha.
senior says: tu pon boleh jadi tanda tau.
senior says: =D
she says: yelah tu~
macam kelakar eh? padahal tak.
senior says: eh betol! i am not here 2 convince u to take up any position.
senior says: but have'nt u realised it yet?
oohh.. when i saw this sentence, felt like typing there and then, yes! i do realise it! tapi tak ah.. diam je dulu.. biar kasi senior cakap.
bila tengah timbang2, fikir2, memang terlintas dalam hati: all these opportunities.. RR, and now NI.. i tot i could run away. but, no. there must be something Allah has prepared for me to do.. tapi kenapa kau tak nak, liyana? sampai bila kau nak tolak? kau takut? kenapa kau mesti lihat ia sebagai satu dugaan yang terlalu besar? di mana liyana yang dulu? aku hairan, ke manakah hilangnya semangat dan kesungguhan engkau? dulu, masa dlm prisma, mcm2 benda kau nak buat.. mcm2 kau nak contribute. but now..?
senior says: y is it that u have been receiving soooo many invitations?
she says: soooo many? ape je
she says: 2 je.
i wasn't being sarcastic, okay. i was only thinking RR'08 and NI je..
senior says: -.-"
senior says: abeh last yr RR head tu ape.
she says: tu dah berzaman~
senior says: last yr kat NI pon u were asked to b part of the comm.
she says: eh?
she says: takde plak
senior says: ape plak dah berzaman. mcm lah liyana tu tua sgt.
senior says: alar. kan liyana reject jadi treasurer.
she says: oohh.. ye tak ye
senior says: okayyy liyana.
senior says: my main point is not that.
senior says: mmg kite mesti rendah diri lah.
senior says: dan tak perlu bagitau org kekuatan kite.
senior says: we do it thru our actions.
senior says: and yes, u may say u find someone else who is capable to take that position
senior says: but as a matter of fact, that person will nvr be liyana. u get wat i mean?
she says: yes, sir!
i think i know what my problem is: sampai sekarang, after whatever i've gone thru, i still dont know my strengths. i dont want to acknowledge them. ketua pengawas, pengerusi prisma, ketua ahlulquran, bendahari NI, ELF quartermaster, ketua RR'07.. you know what i saw? only mistakes, weakness, my failure to keep the amanah.. i want to be given the chance again.. but when i was, when i am, i just want to push them away. is this what they call low self-esteem? and yeah, i think im being too pessimistic. a disease. should get rid of it quickly, shouldn't i?
i remember, asking my RR'07 advisor, "what have you learnt from me?".. in fact, what has anyone learnt from me? i dont see myself as an inspiration, that unique liyana who nobody else can be, who's made any contribution, or change anyone's life. i think, if anyone did learn something from me, during RR'07 or in any situation, i'll fly.
senior says: currently, if all of u 3 accept the position, i c great things!
senior says: im not sure if i have shared with u this b4.
senior says: b4 i took up the challenge given to me to lead NI.
senior says: i was really reluctant seh.
senior says: i was saying to myself, "tk pe lah, kasi a----- jadi chairman"
senior says: but then i realise, that it was never abt the position.
senior says: it was abt the amanah of that position.
yes, amanah! oh God... THAT's the problem. pikirkan amanah yang bakal dipikul.. ditambah dgn amanah belajar yang memang sedang dipikul.. takut yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong (or gendong?) keciciran. pikirkan dosa yang menunggu jika tak jaga amanah.. pikir the people who are gonna be affected.
and knowing myself, takut amanah belajar tu yang slip more..
senior says: if u know u have a clear vision of what u want to achieve, share it with the rest.
senior says: if u want, TP Muslim students to feel that Muslim environment the BEST they can experience.
senior says: den i suggest, u take the position lah.
senior says: but if u r okay to leave it to "chance" , then u have other options.
senior says: think abt it. mayb for s--- u can say, nxt yr oso can.
senior says: or 2 yrs later pon boleh. hehe.
s--- eh? hmmm... actually, i dont consider myself a member. bukan sombong.. tidak! tapi, mcm tak layak gitu. jika dibandingkan dgn bros and sis yang dah lama kat situ. kite ni, baru je satu event involved sgn s---.
senior says: but for NI, this is ur last yr to give ur best.
senior says: and when u r in the comm that u can truly move things.
aaah.. my last year to contribute. yes, i thought about that too.
senior says: having said all that, i also understand u have concerns abt ur studies.
senior says: and parents kan.
senior says: abt studies ni, sape yg bagi kite semua masa nak buat bende2 ni semua?
senior says: Allah kan?
senior says: jadi insyaAllah, kalau kite berjuang kerana Allah, Allah tak akan hampakan kite.
senior says: pentinggggggggg skali. ikhlas.
she says: yes.
dalam hati: alahai~ betulnyeeerrr :'(
senior says: personally, once i made my decision, i wouldnt want anyone else to try 2 convince me to change my mind.
senior says: because, i know that i made that decision after factoring all the possibilities.
senior says: so, for u, i pray that Allah eases the process for u to decide.
senior says: and once u make that decision, i am sure it is for the best.
she says: thank you

another alsagoffian!

yup, yup!

i was dang happy when i met nusaybah on the stairs at ITAS.. tengah turun tangga nak gi kantin 'Flavours' ah.

first week of school plak tu. tgh sorang2.. sekali, ternampak a familiar face! *sukerrrr*

never mind that she didnt go to TP from alsagoff.. she transferred to wak tanjong in... hmm.. tak ingat; sec 1 or 2, maybe.. and kita taklah rapat. but still, to finally have someone i know personally, in TP..

heh. k k.. dah tu je nak beritahu.. juniors dari madrasah lain ade uh.. so far, dah jumpe maarifians, arabiah-ians.. wak tanjong, mcm tak de gitu.nusaybah sorang je ah that i know.

thick bloOd

I am officially a blood donor!

hah!

yupz.. i went for my first blood donation yesterday at masjid ghufran. dari woodlands ke tampines.. sanggup! sebab tak nak miss the opportunity.

sebenarnye, mase 1st year nak donate, during AS club blood donation drive. tapi tak eligible sebab weight kurang dari 45kg.

Alhamdulillah... ternyata, kali ni Allah izinkan.. coz on the way to tampines, rasa nervous jugak, takut2 tak eligible lagi, sebab low haemoglobin ke ape ke.. tapi, nekad jugak. klw tak elegible, hmm.. takpe lah..

bila sampai kat multipurpose hall tu, a senior told me kak maryam AR ade kat situ.. tgh donate blood. tercari2 jugak. hmm.. ade jugak teman =)

filled in the form... was given a cert of appreciation (padahal belOm start donate blood pon!).. checked by a doctor (the doctor himself was sick sey.. tak pakai mask! and he never took temperature reading, main letak 37degrees je!).. my left middle finger pricked (oh my Allah~ sakit uh.. i think it's because the needle is thicker than the one i used during TP Open House. kinda jakun+"ohh..ohh..guLp" when i saw my own blood. haha), to check for plasma iron level.. then waited for my turn to donate blood..

bila tgh tunggu tu, sempat jugak berbual dgn kak maryam.. dia ceritakan jugak camne feelingnyer derma darah.. alahai.. tibe2, semakin nervous plak diri nih~ mcm nak gi confront something Big.

yang tak bestnyer, i was seated beside seorang rajul melayu uh.. haiz~ tak boleh nak pusingkan kepala ke kanan..

k, anyway.. the nurse covered my legs with selimut.. ntah kenapa, takut sejuk kot! then... dia check my blood pressure.. the strap tu (i dunno what it's called. aiyo~ dah dua tahun jadi biomed student pon masih tak tahu! eeks~) dia tak tanggalkan, tapi dia suruh me picit2 the raindrop-shaped stress ball.. sebab nak naikkan lagi blood flow kat arm tu..

oh, yes, the victim was my left arm~

1st, the nurse cari my vein. i couldnt see the vein yang dia nak tu. i asked her (santai2 je) how many years of experience does she have. 3, she said. waah~ lama tu.. nampak sgt the art of phlebotomy dia dah master uh. oh, and she said, tak nampak vein pon, tapi boleh feel.

dah tu............





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ape dia buat?
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she injected anaesthesia.

where was i looking? i looked at my arm alright. nak tengok camne dia masukkan jarum. and memang boleh rasa saNGAt.. bila dia push the fluid into my vein.. rasa sakit uh..

bedek ah klw orang kata tak rasa ape2 pon!

i was told to keep clinching and unclinching the stress ball.

then... i waited. sebab the nurse gi ambil the blood bag. (or transfusion bag??)

rase mcm tak selesa jugak ah, sebab my left arm bare je.

oh, i remember, ade lagi satu nurse shared/advised that if i was scared, tak usah tgk kat lengan bila the blood is drawn. hmm.. nak tgk jugak! yes, inilah yang dinamakan jakun, plus, facing the teeny-weeny bit of fear yang dah cukup menyesakkan klw dilayan.

selepas beberapa minit.. the ultimate challenge finally came~ (hah! macam betOl je!). the nurse gantung the bag kat bahagian bawah tempat rest tangan.. check the position of my vein.. cari the small hole where the 1st injection was made, and masukkan the boleh-tahan-tebal needle into my vein.

waduh~~ rasa sey jarum tu cucuk my flesh. dah tu, boleh rasa the needle 'poke' my vein. tak sakit??? mane ade! sakit~ tapikan, bukan sgt2 sakit tau. cuma, the feeling tu, mcm 'oh-my-god!-the-needle's-in-me'.. saat dia dah masukkan tu, terus mcm terduduk.

ntahlah, tak tahu camne nak describe lagi. yang penting, bile masuk vein je, terus nampak darah flow inside the tube into the blood bag. waaah~ my blood.. *double jakun*

tak boleh nak duduk diam ah mase tgh derma darah tu. mcm nak duduk straight and look at my arm closely.. tapi tak leh, kena sandar kat 'stretcher' tu (or whatever you call it) and tak leh angkat tangan.

paham2 je lah.. jarum tu panjang gak. (eh, setengah depa tu berapa panjang?) silap2, tertembus the other side of the vein, parah plak.

hmm... so what did i do masa the blood was being drawn? baca leaflet yang nurse bagi.. tgk sana, tgk sini.. nampak nyzah jugak.. and one sister, knew her from RR'07.. she was in safety from NYP.. tak ingat ah namanye.. dia pon cam kite jugak.

oh, and i did imagine: camne agaknye klw orang kena stab? mesti rasenye lebih maha dahsyat dari apa yang kite rase. fuh~ seram sejuk bila terpikir perkara tu..

around 7-10minutes, dah selesai. oh, mase tgh draw blood tu, kena keep picit the stress ball.. jenuh dan lenguh dibuatnyer! the nurse then clipped around the middle of the tube. i think untuk stopkan flow into the blood bag. i was ready for another stinging feeling bila dia nak keluarkan jarum. tapi, tup tup, tahu2 je, the jarum was out. i think it's automatic or something.

put pressure.. kena tunggu lagik... at one point, the nurse placed the filled blood bag on my arm. alahai~ time ginilah, klw ade cameraphone kan bagus. boleh capture that moment sey..

alhamdulillah~ overall, i felt happy that i finally did what i wanted.. satisfied knowing my blood will save someone, inshaAllah.. 300mL je (or 450mL).. tapi dah cukup byk.. and i wish more people will donate. our blood bank ni sering kekurangan tau. mcm kidney jugak. kesian orang2 yang meninggal kerana menunggu kidney yang baru. as for myself, masih tgh pikir2 samada nak opt out of HOTA ke tidak..

selepas tu, the other nurse (yang kasi advice tu) balut lengan dgn.. hmm.. tak tahu what the thing is called. she gave me iron tablets, ferrous fumarate, to be consumed for 3 to 5 days.. to replenish my body iron. and fyi, this medicine causes constipation.

ok, it's done.

took a rest, had a drink and a bite, the nurse (the one who drew my blood) called to me asking if i was alright, coz i looked pale.. but maybe it was the lights.. after that, i stepped out of the multi-purpose hall.

Masih dalam Istikharah..

and i thought one is done and over with.

i guess, these opportunities come to you, demanding your attention, sacrifice, commitment. waiting.

a weak servant that you are, you can only pray and put all your hopes and trust in Him. coz He knows what's best for you. and now you wait.

Ya Allah... please help me.

"...But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth and ye know not."
Surah al-Baqarah:216

Yes, im holding on to that.