and im going to talk about NI. and me. so, i hope you will keep this to yourself. thank you =)
this is going to be a
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senior says: Salam liyana!
she says: ws
senior says: haaa.. just so that u know, i wasnt the one who suggested that u vice chair NI tau!
senior says: hehe..
senior says: they came up with it on their own. and they told the alumni abt their plan of the comm.
she says: 'they' tu sape?
senior says: so we shared our views on it lorz.
senior says: the current comm.
she says: ohh
senior says: yupz yupz.
senior says: i only batu api kan lah kan.
senior says: bende yg baik tu kene rai kan =D
senior says: but of course, i was looking at the whole upcoming comm structure as a whole.
she says: hmmm... okay
i was starting to feel sad.. and was reminded that i still have 'something' on my shoulders.. i was sighing at that time. didn't know what to reply. didnt want to sound annoyed or falsely excited, or sad. so i just said "hmmm... okay"
senior says: Allah dah bagi tanda tanda ?
fuh~ direct sey tanya! macam teragak2 jugak nak jawab.
she says: klw tanda2 tu.... belom kot. tapi cakap hati... dah kot. tapi faktor luaran penting jugak to be considered.
senior says: sgt tepat!
senior says: tapi. tanda Allah tu mcm mcm tau.
she says: pokonyer, masih belum boleh kasi kata putus ah..
senior says: factor luaran tu pon boleh jadi tanda tanda.
she says: *pokoknyer
hmm.. klw tanda-tanda external, mcm mimpi ke (teringat satu bro pernah kata, "jgn tunggu mimpi!"hehe), or maybe terselak2 majalah nampak terjumpa sesuatu yang relate to NI ke, etc ah, tu memang takde kot.. atau diri sendiri sengaja tak nak akui. tapi klw tanda internal.. ade jugak.. more like an urge. bila fikir2, timbang2.. yes, that urge is there. tapi selalu dihalang oleh FAKTOR LUARAN.. nombor 1: my parents. betul lah.. i just cant imagine telling them about this request pon. sedangkan usrah dgn NI-ans pon i am always reluctant to ask for permission. *masalah besar uh*
senior says: tapi mcm kesian pulak eh. 1st da kene fikirkan ramadhan rocks.
she says: hmmm... tgh pikir jugak, if i dont take the position, sape2 lagi yang layak diketengahkan
senior says: pastu ingat dah lepas, skali ni dtg.
senior says: hehe
she says: yes!
she says: betOl sgt
memang tepat apa yang dikatakan.. bila shikin beritahu that me, her and marl are nominated for vice chair.. Ya Allah... susah hati ni. and i thought one is done and over with. coz RR, me dah tolak. cukuplah. tiba2, datang yang ini pula.. i really didnt know what to comment. diam je.. dalam kepala, dah pusing2: nak, tak nak, why this, why now, boleh ke, ayah, mak, SIP, amanah, masa, tenaga..
senior says: hahaha.
senior says: tu pon boleh jadi tanda tau.
senior says: =D
she says: yelah tu~
macam kelakar eh? padahal tak.
senior says: eh betol! i am not here 2 convince u to take up any position.
senior says: but have'nt u realised it yet?
oohh.. when i saw this sentence, felt like typing there and then, yes! i do realise it! tapi tak ah.. diam je dulu.. biar kasi senior cakap.
bila tengah timbang2, fikir2, memang terlintas dalam hati: all these opportunities.. RR, and now NI.. i tot i could run away. but, no. there must be something Allah has prepared for me to do.. tapi kenapa kau tak nak, liyana? sampai bila kau nak tolak? kau takut? kenapa kau mesti lihat ia sebagai satu dugaan yang terlalu besar? di mana liyana yang dulu? aku hairan, ke manakah hilangnya semangat dan kesungguhan engkau? dulu, masa dlm prisma, mcm2 benda kau nak buat.. mcm2 kau nak contribute. but now..?
senior says: y is it that u have been receiving soooo many invitations?
she says: soooo many? ape je
she says: 2 je.
i wasn't being sarcastic, okay. i was only thinking RR'08 and NI je..
senior says: -.-"
senior says: abeh last yr RR head tu ape.
she says: tu dah berzaman~
senior says: last yr kat NI pon u were asked to b part of the comm.
she says: eh?
she says: takde plak
senior says: ape plak dah berzaman. mcm lah liyana tu tua sgt.
senior says: alar. kan liyana reject jadi treasurer.
she says: oohh.. ye tak ye
senior says: okayyy liyana.
senior says: my main point is not that.
senior says: mmg kite mesti rendah diri lah.
senior says: dan tak perlu bagitau org kekuatan kite.
senior says: we do it thru our actions.
senior says: and yes, u may say u find someone else who is capable to take that position
senior says: but as a matter of fact, that person will nvr be liyana. u get wat i mean?
she says: yes, sir!
i think i know what my problem is: sampai sekarang, after whatever i've gone thru, i still dont know my strengths. i dont want to acknowledge them. ketua pengawas, pengerusi prisma, ketua ahlulquran, bendahari NI, ELF quartermaster, ketua RR'07.. you know what i saw? only mistakes, weakness, my failure to keep the amanah.. i want to be given the chance again.. but when i was, when i am, i just want to push them away. is this what they call low self-esteem? and yeah, i think im being too pessimistic. a disease. should get rid of it quickly, shouldn't i?
i remember, asking my RR'07 advisor, "what have you learnt from me?".. in fact, what has anyone learnt from me? i dont see myself as an inspiration, that unique liyana who nobody else can be, who's made any contribution, or change anyone's life. i think, if anyone did learn something from me, during RR'07 or in any situation, i'll fly.
senior says: currently, if all of u 3 accept the position, i c great things!
senior says: im not sure if i have shared with u this b4.
senior says: b4 i took up the challenge given to me to lead NI.
senior says: i was really reluctant seh.
senior says: i was saying to myself, "tk pe lah, kasi a----- jadi chairman"
senior says: but then i realise, that it was never abt the position.
senior says: it was abt the amanah of that position.
yes, amanah! oh God... THAT's the problem. pikirkan amanah yang bakal dipikul.. ditambah dgn amanah belajar yang memang sedang dipikul.. takut yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong (or gendong?) keciciran. pikirkan dosa yang menunggu jika tak jaga amanah.. pikir the people who are gonna be affected.
and knowing myself, takut amanah belajar tu yang slip more..
senior says: if u know u have a clear vision of what u want to achieve, share it with the rest.
senior says: if u want, TP Muslim students to feel that Muslim environment the BEST they can experience.
senior says: den i suggest, u take the position lah.
senior says: but if u r okay to leave it to "chance" , then u have other options.
senior says: think abt it. mayb for s--- u can say, nxt yr oso can.
senior says: or 2 yrs later pon boleh. hehe.
s--- eh? hmmm... actually, i dont consider myself a member. bukan sombong.. tidak! tapi, mcm tak layak gitu. jika dibandingkan dgn bros and sis yang dah lama kat situ. kite ni, baru je satu event involved sgn s---.
senior says: but for NI, this is ur last yr to give ur best.
senior says: and when u r in the comm that u can truly move things.
aaah.. my last year to contribute. yes, i thought about that too.
senior says: having said all that, i also understand u have concerns abt ur studies.
senior says: and parents kan.
senior says: abt studies ni, sape yg bagi kite semua masa nak buat bende2 ni semua?
senior says: Allah kan?
senior says: jadi insyaAllah, kalau kite berjuang kerana Allah, Allah tak akan hampakan kite.
senior says: pentinggggggggg skali. ikhlas.
she says: yes.
dalam hati: alahai~ betulnyeeerrr :'(
senior says: personally, once i made my decision, i wouldnt want anyone else to try 2 convince me to change my mind.
senior says: because, i know that i made that decision after factoring all the possibilities.
senior says: so, for u, i pray that Allah eases the process for u to decide.
senior says: and once u make that decision, i am sure it is for the best.
she says: thank you
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