what matters most in life

it's 12.52 in the morning, according to the small clock on my computer screen.

i guess you might be wondering, what the heck this girl is doing late at night?! well, i must say that this time is actually a good time for me to blog, albeit my eyes are getting uncomfortable staring at the screen. coz, one thing, there's no one to interrupt me. yey.

ok... so, i read kak khadijah's blog just now.... something about being grown up and thinking seriously, pondering about life.

i guess we arent kids anymore huh? living a carefree life? even back then, were we really that happy, having not to worry about stuff?

anyway, i think too. though i dont really do much thinking these days. being caught up in issues this, issues that, i forgot - or shall i say, dont have time - to actually sit and think. i miss that, sometimes. during my secondary school days, if you read my entries from the past years, i think i might have mentioned somewhere that i "think too much it hurts and tires me" or something like that.

n nowadays, whenever my brain's ticking, tocking, i would always forget what it's all about. n i dont get to write my thoughts here, properly.

never mind.

so, about this post's title:

hmmm... i've been questioning myself: what's important in my life? what matters? what is my priority?

n all these all-too-familiar-and-similar questions bring me back to the threshold: what's my purpose of life in the first place?

now that im in a different world in the same world, i couldnt help it but ask myself. n yet again, this important question is always brushed aside. coz i dont seem to care about it. oh! how have i changed!

i still remember, i once wrote in my little orang notebook - now lost - things that matters to me, in order of priority. but now, im not even sure if im holding on to that.

tahfiz.

how shall i put it? im just too embarrassed to admit it. it was once one of the top priorities in my teenage life. it still is. but only a priority. no number this time.

studies.

a friend of mine asked me just now, "have you studied?" and i said, "nope." emotionless. often, i wonder where my spirits have gone.. the happy, excited, always-on-the-go, puntual spirits.. the liveliness. sometimes, i wonder if it has been sapped out of me. because of what? i dare not say.

ahlulquranpts.

ouh~ i feel no spark now. just a little, maybe. where has the good time gone? maybe im such a loser.... a pathetic leader. saying it's a priority, holding on to it. but what good have i done to the group? i had wanted so much to be part of it, but now, i guess, i need to renew my intentions, my enthusiasm.

ccas.

i would like to be a well-rounded student, yes. oh! how i would love to! being able to juggle this, keeping that, doing those. the challenge is good. the experiences are just as well..... though.... i have a feeling it's starting to have a toll on me. n because of it, im jeopardizing my principles, my religion. one that i have held on for sooo long. one that, all these years, has not been tarnished nor tested.

Allah and his Rasul.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

what can i say, oh Allah?
You know my heart best!
im just afraid that my words would betray me.
im just so.........




shameful.

for not stopping to think.
to thank.
to cherish.

n im just sooo ashamed of what i've become.

so much for declaring that i love Allah and prophet Muhammad!
but what have i done to prove it!
n im not even trying!


n so much for priorities which i cannot hold.
n promises i cannot keep.

i guess, this is how it goes huh? me, getting all emotional, late at night, early in the morning... my tears arent even flowing. you hypocrite!

ok.

let me just get straight to the point.

in life, you must know what you are supposed to do. what you must do. what you need to do. along the middle, it's what you want to do. n somewhere in the back, what you're forbidden to dwell on to.

please, dont read the above paragraph again. coz you will never understand what i just wrote. coz i dont either.

i guess, what matters most in life is living life knowing, always, that you're going to die and meet Him. n then, the question will be, how do you want your end to be? that is, what have you prepared for the next life.

nothing else matters, except...











it's all up to you to decide. me, to decide. what matters to each and every one of us? i bet it's something worldly, something superficial. fake.













n no, i dont really think too much while writing this post. im already sleepy. not much feelings.

so, take no heed to my advice. pay no attention to my latenightearlymorning free talk.

it's all crap.





*im such a pessimist.puncturing my own self-esteem*