Pedih. Gatal. Bengkak.

Saya tak tahu berapa lama keadaan ni akan berterusan.

Buat saya jadi takut. Sedih. Menyesal.

Saya mengetap bibir menahan rasa..

Apa yang patut saya lakukan? Apa yang boleh saya katakan?

Sebenarnya,

Kite cemburu bila nampak suami salam dengan perempuan bukan mahram. Seperti sepupu2 perempuannya. Seperti staf perempuan dari Grab tu.

Kite cemburu bila nampak suami pakai ketat2. Seperti tights untuk berenang; tak dilapis dengan seluar shorts atau three-quarters yang longgar utk cover bentuk kemaluan dan paha.

Kite diam je.. sebab kite tahu, no point kite cakap dengan dia. Pendiriannya lain daripada kite. Siapa lah kite, kan. So, kite cemburu diam2, doakan pun diam2.

Seorang isteri tu selalunya mengikut agama atau kebiasaan suami, kan? Seorang suami tu, contoh buat isteri dan anak2, kan? Jadi, apa kata, kite salam dengan orang2 yang bukan mahram jugak? Kite pakai seluar ketat jugak?

Ya.. i think i should start doing the same.

Hati ni macam nak terbang jauh..

Pagi tadi dapat tengok laut di East Coast Park.. biru2 airnya. Cantik!

Siang tadi pulak, Facebook Memory tunjukkan gambar masa trip ke Qaitbay Fortress, Alexandria 5 tahun lalu.. mengimbas ingatan kite melihat laut Mediterranean yang luas terbentang. Ahh.. indah sangat!

Subhanallah..

Beberapa hari lalu, tiba2 teringin nak pergi ke Langkawi.

Agaknya jiwa kite ni sedang tertarik dengan pemandangan laut kot? Macam nak terbang ke tempat2 indah, permai dan tenang gini..

Harap2 kite dapat kembali ke Mesir dan jejakkan kaki ke Turki tahun depan.. walaupon flight 12 jam bersama 2 kanak-kanak sounds really daunting! Ya Allah.. permudahkanlah..

The evil eye is real.

Why did i agree to have the picture posted??

May Allah protect my son.

May Allah protect my husband.

May Allah protect me.

My hair is starting to bug me.

With August's warm temperature,
With my increasingly warm body temperature,
My neck is somewhat irritated by the strands of hair hanging,
And my scalp perspires more and then becomes itchy..

Grrr..!

Should i cut my hair really short again? Gotta eliminate 1 stress factor.

Remove 1 stress factor at a time.

I shouldn't be unnecessarily stressed, kan, because starting 36 weeks i need to relax my body and mind?

Random

What if, the day i give birth is the day i die. What preparations am i making to meet my Lord and tie any loose ends about my worldly affairs?

---

Macam best gitu eh, dapat bonus.

Dulu kite kerja, takde performance bonus, takde 13th month bonus.. maklum lah, company kecil.. belom ada profit. Tapi dapat increment lah. So, alhamdulillah!

Bila ditanya, teringin apa, kite jawab entah. Padahal, macam2 benda kite nak.. ada perkara kite nak buat kalau ada duit lebih. Tapi kite segan nak mintak, sebab duit tu bukan kite punye. Bukan dari penat-lelah kite. Apakah kite tak tahu malu nak ambil duit dari keringat orang lain?!

Ya.. kadang2 kite fikir, alangkah bestnya kalau ada gaji sendiri, duit sendiri.. lebih bebas utk spend utk diri sendiri, utk mak, utk anak, utk suami, utk masa depan, utk saham akhirat. Dan, tak perlu beritahu sape2 what exactly are the things i spend. Tangan kiri tak perlu tahu apa yang tangan kanan buat.

Tapi, hakikatnya, jadi ibu sepanjang hari, isteri sepanjang hari, suri rumah sepanjang hari, takde gaji. Sabar lah wahai diri. Gaji awak dengan Allah.. kan tu lebih baik. So, senyum k? :)

---

I realised yesterday that most likely no one will come to visit this Raya. Because people usually want to see mak, and mak is always not at home. So they will just dismiss the idea of coming to woodlands.

Kite rasa macam sedih pulak.

On a lighter note, i think i should start helping myself with the Raya cookies - no restraint - and ask my husband to join too.

---

5 hours of swelling is not fun at all. While the other person moves on to other activities for the day, u suffer in pain on ur own.. all the while smiling, pretending to shake it off as though it is no big deal.

---

Sometimes i think i might have a mild depression. Or split personality. It only manifests when i am alone.

Then again, maybe i'm overthinking it. It's just the pregnancy hormones lah.. not really depression.

But really, this time i am more sensitive, more sad, i build higher expectations of people around me - potentially causing even more (perceived) disappointment, i am more critical of myself and others, more anxious and worried..

And sometimes i feel lonely.

I still tell myself, ni semua kerja pregnancy hormones lah kan. I dont need to talk to anyone, or see a counsellor. I am alright.

I am always alright the next day. U won't even know i had an upsetting episode unless i tell u.

---

These past few months, i've been reminicsing about my dad, and other family members who have passed on. Occasionally they become characters in my dreams. Sometimes i try to imagine - not without hesitation and fear - how will it be like when i die.. who will visit, how will they react, who will bathe my body, who will escort me to the grave, how will i be when i wake up inside the grave.

Is my time here ending soon..?

---

I think i should sleep already.

Sometimes i feel that i'm waiting on my child. Every single day.

Sitting beside him.
Watching him play.
Monitoring him when he climbs onto things.
Feeding him.
Changing his nappies.
Monitoring him when he will pass motion.
Playing with him.
Coaxing him when he is being difficult.
Soothing him when he cries.
Putting him to sleep.

Many times i feel unproductive. Coz many times,

When i wash dishes, he pushes me away from the sink.
When i read a book on the sofa, he reaches out for that book, or, climb on the sofa.
When i fold the clothes, he'll take away the clothes
When i sit at the dining table table to snack, he wants to reach out for things on the table.
When i use my handphone, he wants to use it too.

So i cherish the times when he sleeps, when he goes to aunty and uncle in the next room, and when i get to go out on my own.

My oh my,

How i'd like to go out on my own more often. Without husband. Without child. No obligation to make small talks with the other person, or to stay on guard, or to constantly entertain, distract or calm the child. Just me and my little world.

Now i'm on a course. About 6 sessions to go. So, 6 precious me-time! hmm.. i'd like to stay out a bit later.. but, guilt and responsibility always snag me. Why can't i shake it off and take it easy..?

"Mental stimulus"

A phrase that's been at the back of my head ever since i visited my cousin's wife and newborn child. I am surprised at how such innocent sharing affected me so. I think coz i am fully aware that i'm lacking that mental stimulus.. that i'm turning into an introvert with a stagnant mind. That i'm not going anywhere. That my life has come to a pause, until when? Until my kid(s) become independent, i suppose..

How did i come to this? :'( kadang2 terngiang kata2 ayah, that i have a big potential to excel. I guess my potential remains just that; a potential.

I'll just go with the flow for now.

Sometimes,
I just need to
Forget about my husband,
Forget about my son,
And
Take care of myself.

I don't always want to eat sambal sotong. Depends on the type of sambal sotong, i guess.

Still learning each other's preferences..

As i closed the bedroom door, a thought came to mind: my one-to-one time with my lil boy will be no more.. sooner than i would have liked. I treasure these hours, when it's just me and him. Fun time, meal time, quiet time, tuck-in time, milk time.. (of course, excluding the times when he is being difficult)

I miss us already.

This afternoon:

While browsing thru the NATAS fair ads, the urge to travel became so great that tears started brimming in my eyes.

:'(

Ya Allah.. tingkatkanlah rasa qana'ah dalam diriku..

I should just stay away from all kinds of travel ads.

I smelled lauk lemak cili padi.. and i felt like crying a bit. Coz i was hungry..

Petang tadi pulak, i smelled chicken rice.

My downstairs neighbour sure cooks nice-smelling dishes.. but i dunno which neighbour.

When the smell wafts thru my window.. Ya Allah.. it makes me miss eating Malay cuisine.. many of which i don't cook coz selalunya kan these kind of dishes kena masak banyak.. and i dunno how - and if it's worth the time - to cook for 1-2 persons. Half of the time it's just me eating, a quarter it's me and hubby, and another quarter we go out so no cooking.

Kite takut whenever kite masak terlebih.. coz nanti simpan dlm fridge.. which may be forgotten..

Kite pon takut klw masak tak sedap.. coz nanti kite sendiri tak selera nak makan.

Mcm spaghetti semalam.. lupa nak panaskan sebab keluar whole day. Simpan dalam fridge. Bila panaskan, rasa mcm tak best. Kite sediiiih :(

Mcm malam ni.. kite lapar.. tapi kite tak nak masak sebab esok kite keluar. Which means kite akan makan di luar. Klw masak, lauk tak termakan.. dan akan disimpan utk the next day, which.. mungkin kite akan keluar lagi..

Why am i ranting mcm2 ni.. my point here is: bila kite bau jiran kite masak, kite jadi rindu.. rindu dgn proper, wholesome, delicious food. :'(

I don't need a helper. I just need a day to myself.

Maybe one day i will have that day. When he is more independent. When i have more support.

Hmm.. what will i do, where will i go, if i have a day to myself?

Rambut yang tidak gatal adalah satu ni'mat!

Gambar di atas dipetik pada Hari Raya Haji tahun lepas. Kami, iaitu abang, mak, Aqila dan kite, solat raya di Masjid Pertempatan Melayu Sembawang. First time! Suka sangat dengan suasananya.

Ramai betul jemaah. Kite tak boleh solat, jadi kite duduk dekat tempat sukarelawan wanita menyediakan juadah. Usai khutbah, para jemaah dijamu dengan kari kambing cecah dengan roti perancis. Ooomph!

Selepas makan, senyum lebar lah kita semua. ^_^

Pada Hari Raya Haji tahun ini pula.. abang dan kite je yang pergi solat raya. Di masjid yang sama. Mak di Malaysia, Aqila di Mesir. Suami di Indonesia. Kena juga waktu kite tak boleh solat, jadi kite duduklah di kawasan yang sama. Kali ini, kite dapat bantu sikit-sikit untuk menyusun kotak-kotak air dan meletak roti perancis di atas pinggan.

Di sebelah tengahari, ikut abang dan kak maya ke rumah ibu Asri. Agar-agar cokolat yang ibu buat sangatlah sedap! Dapat tutorial ringkas dari Farah tentang bagaimana memakai shawl juga! Cukup teruja! Hehehe.. semua yang ada di situ kata cantik. "Pakai lah!" Waduuuhh.. terharu campur segan dengan pujian mereka tetapi cemas dengan galakan mereka! Sebab cantik lah kite tak nak pakai. Memadailah dengan style kite yang sekarang ini. Suami pun suka. Kite ingatkan diri kite sebab utama kite bertudung. Tak nak lah dipandang orang, dipuji orang. Hati kite mudah jadi bengkak, kepala kite mudah jadi besar, jadi kite cuba jauhkan diri. Kalau nak pakai shawl, untuk suami tengok je! (walaupun, bila fikir balik, buat apa nak pakai shawl di rumah, eh? hehe)

Kemudian kite berpisah dengan abang dan kak maya. Mengatur langkah ke rumah makcik suami. Semua keluarga terdekatnya berkumpul di situ. Meskipun suami tiada di sisi, tak rasa kekok. Mungkin kerana diri sudah biasa pergi ke sana ke sini sendirian sebelum berkahwin. Cuma perlu siapkan jawapan standard bila ditanya, "suami mana?" dan "kenapa awak tak ikut?". Di rumah cik Isa pun begitu, beri jawapan yang sama setiap kali dilontar soalan cepumas dan layan je bila disakat =p

Balik dengan abang, kak maya dan kak linda. Sampai rumah hampir jam 12 tengah malam. Penaaat (dan kenyang!).

Yang kite perasan di rumah mama dan rumah cik Isa, kebanyakkan lelaki mengenakan jubah dan kebanyakkan perempuan mengenakan jubah atau abaya hitam. Yang selalunya tidak memakai tudung, memakainya pada hari tu. Mungkin aura eidiladha tu sendiri yang membuat manusia mahu memakai pakaian yang lebih ringkas, sopan dan berkonsep Arab? :)



Alhamdulillah atas segalanya~

Two days ago, the camel figurine which I had kept for 2 years (and 23 days, to be exact) was broken. One moment my niece was holding it.. the next moment, I heard a thud, and there it was, on the floor, the body had lost its head. Most probably she had thrown it - I am not 100% sure coz I was looking at another direction.

I don't know why I kept this figurine for very long. It was the only one in the house - the rest are plush toys.. teddy bear, donkey, elephant, among other animals.. belonging to my niece - and there has always been that tug at back of my mind: I should not keep any figurines, otherwise the angels would not enter my home. But every time I considered discarding it into the bin, I stalled. For nostalgia.

I got the mini camel at a souvenir store at the base of Mount Sinai. There was a row of shops still open in the middle of the night. 2 of my friends wanted to buy batteries for their torchlights. We went to a shop manned by a Christian Arab (I immediately assumed that he was Christian because the displays in his shop were mainly Christianity-related stuff). I remember he complimented one of my friends' looks (she was not wearing a niqab) and gave each one of us a friendship band. And pieces of rock imprinted with shapes of trees; supposedly when God was about to reveal Himself upon Moses' request, the trees in the vicinity were so shaken with fear that they ran and hid behind/in rocks. I don't know how true the story is, and, even if it is, how authentic the rocks that were sold at the shop were. Well, never mind that. The shopkeeper was nice and friendly.. it was just a short encounter, yet I will remember his pleasant demeanor forever :) Oh, and one camel figurine. My friends did not want it.. they insisted I take it, as memory of my visit to Sinai.

Now that it's damaged, I'm feeling somewhat relieved; now I have a good reason to throw it away. And a bit sad.

So, ummm..

Goodbye, dear mini camel~

The simple act of him taking my hand into his, or holding his hand out for me to take it, makes me feel loved.

Alhamdulillah..~

Who would've thought that i would get a bottle of argan oil as a gift, just ~1 month after i bought one for a colleague and wished i have one too?

Allah hears me :')

Something about what he said, or the way he said it, ticked me off. My immediate response (in my head, of course. I am not one to say out loud. That'll be disrespectful, isn't?) was: don't assume. You don't know me well enough. You don't know all of me yet.

Maybe it was my ego that got brushed. I don't know. I'm now trying to tell myself over and over that it is Allah who is reminding me thru him, even though i feel i don't need a reminder about That. Coz i'm fully aware that That is what i'm working on. Probably he doesn't know coz probably i've not communicated it with him.

I shared what i shared to apply on my own life, my own domain. It was merely highlighting and sharing of info. I don't wish to impose on others. Because i hold on to the saying, 'be lenient with others, be hard with self'.

Sure, i can read up wide and deep. And choose the opinion whose evidence makes more sense to me. I already know that. I haven't read up wide and deep; what i have read so far is agreeable to my mind and heart, so i have made my choice.

Maybe it was my ego that got brushed. Astaghfirullah..

I need to listen more openly and not be sensitive. I am usually not sensitive but i guess, occasionally i get tired of holding up my wall.. that's when negative emotions slip in.

Need to build my wall thicker and taller, ey? To be a constant positive cheerful force.

Kadang2 kite rasa kite ni lurus bendul lah.

Tak boleh bohong. Telling half-truth je dah buat jiwa kite tak tenang. Blh risau satu hari.

Kadang2, kite cakap kat diri, enough with ur past lies and hidden truths. You can't afford to lie. Dah bertimbun dosa kat atas neraca!

What abt being street-smart, then? Short cut here, short cut there? Maybe im not meant to be like that. I just can't.

Alhamdulillah, Allah pelihara kite. Cumanya, kite sendiri perlu yakin kuat2 yang bila kite cakap benar, Dia akan bantu, akan bela, akan tunjuk jalan keluar. Dia tahu apa niat kite. Sebab kadang2 kite terpengaruh dgn ketidakpastian, bisikan was2.. jadi kite perlu constantly lawan. Penatlah layan perasaan dan fikiran2 negatif ni.

Allah nak test taqwa ni.. hmmm..