It's OVER! (well~ not quite..)

i've been 'inactive' for more than a week i guess..bcoz of:

FINAL YEAR EXAMINATIONS 2005

seriously, man, the reality is 'inevitable'..there could never be:"oh ok! i've realised my mistakes..i've recognized ustaz's style..jd next year boleh buat lebih betul2!" again.

yeah..i cant say that anymore..n i should've done much2 better. well, the thing is, the exams were quite bad for me. im dead serious, ok? everyday, every time i finished one paper, the satisfaction was 'missing'. i never felt happy, relieved or anything. coz there are/were mistakes (careless or simply i-do-not-know-the-answer)..n every mistake took me further away from my aim. it seems that my chances of getting mumtaz syaraf is thin.

i was especially disappointed about my fiqh/usul fiqh/faraidh paper. n sejarah. n hadith. i dont know how to describe the exact feeling of disappointment n regret that im experiencing right now. i did feel like cring days ago, yesterday, today.. but i just cant, or perhaps something inside of me commands me not to. to think of it, there's no use crying. it's my own fault. n i should just 'rest my case'.

'wa ufawwidhu amrii ilallah'

i know i have to accept whatever that has happened, n its consequences..im trying..i must..

Oh Allah! i trust that what You have planned for me is for my own good. there's a hikmah behind all these failures n pitfalls that i've been through - especially this year - though sometimes i cant see it.n although the memories hurt so much n my faith was low..i believe in You!

Oh Lord! Please help me...i need Your guidance...bask me in Your blessings..
i feel very far away from You..but i dont want to get lost..

please give me the strength coz i feel weak,
the confidence coz it is sinking,
the patience coz it is thinning,
the perseverence coz i feel like giving up,
the calmness coz i feel insecured,
the bravery coz im getting scared...

sometimes..i hate myself..i just hate the lazy part of me..the feeling is so overwhelming sometimes..oh well~

anyway, the exam's not quite over..i still have math, english n bahasa melayu papers to take..after the one-week holiday ah.. but next week, there is going to be Qur'an oral..easy, insha Allah!

:)


p/s: i know i havent written about the national day celebration n stuff..but that can wait!