a different light

went to ust sakinah's blog just now. seeing her camp explore's pics made me think: hmm.. what a small world indeed!

i mean, i saw lots of familiar faces.. from TP, Nur Ikhwan, Saff Perdaus, fellow madrasah students.. imagine, the people i had known first, now known by ust sakinah herself. wonderful isnt it, how fate gathers us together in the same circle, eventually =)

on thursday, i went to ahlulquranpts usrah.. you know, i think our usrah is a bit different. coz we dont have a permanent naqibah. but that doesnt matter, right? coz most importantly, the content and sharings are there. right?

during the last part, ust sakinah shared about her reactions when she got her exam results. i must say... it made me think (that word, again) how desperate i want A's in my results transcript this semester, how i had felt the sheer disappointment knowing i didnt work hard and thus would definitely not score well in my term tests.

all these lead to me reflecting, why is my motivation the want, the need, to get in the TOP 10% of the cohort? why is my motivation to be on the same parr as the malay girl, who has the same name as me, who is in the top 10 students for 1st year? why..?

and why isnt my motivation based on the desire to please God? why do i feel a bit estranged from the fact that Allah is always there for me? why do i not trust and put all my hopes and prayers in Him?

why everytime i face failure, or even sense failure, i quickly become discouraged? why cant i be stronger, realising that Allah has me in His hands?

why am i so afraid that i wont reach my goal of getting the A's? is it super important that it blinds me from the pure intention of seeking knowledge?

think, my dear self,
think of your primary intention.
the others will come later.
once you set your innermost intention,
sure about it, work within it,
then you dont have to worry.

dear self,
remember what you have written and meant here, ok?
remember the mist of feelings that shrouded you when you wrote this:
inpired, worried, sad, hopeful..
may you perceive things in a better way now.
in a different light.