take 1

on Monday, 27 oct, 11 plus at night..



"tadi balik pukul berapa?"

"pukul 8 gitu.."

"ada meeting-meeting lagi tak?"

"ummm.. this week, ada."

"kan ayah dah kata, jgn join benda-benda ni lagi..!.."

"..............."





(disclaimer, not the exact script. short term memory uh.)





i kept quiet alright.

i didnt dare to explain.

hmmm...

fought back the sense of fear. regret. sadness.

the other side of me imagined this:

"if you want me to quit, just say it straight to my face, dad. and i will quit."

another side whispered:

"calm down, dear self. try to explain. discuss. share."

but i chose to keep my head down and pretend nothing affected me.

coz i knew, if i tried to explain at that particular moment, i would have broken down. or his temper would build up.

another side of me keep replaying:

"i thought he has understood."

another said:

"he has a lot on his mind. so you must be patient. even if it means you have to repeat a thousand times."

and, another one said:

"you yourself know, which amanah is bigger!"

then,

i thought of sitting in the dark and called someone.

the bulk was suddenly sooo overwhelming.

i wanted to let it all out. out. OUT!

but no.

i had no privacy.

i couldn't just call anyone and blurt this out.

no no no..

i didn't cry myself to sleep.

coz i told myself,

"pejuang tak boleh menangis!"

"pejuang tak boleh menangis!"

"pejuang tak boleh menangis!"

i just need to find a solution.

i must not quit.

not yet.

there must be a way.

hmm..

what happened could be a sort of punishment. a reminder.

what happened could also be a blessing in disguise. a stronger push for me to go forward.

hmm..

"Suhaib reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: Strange are the ways of a believer for there is good in every affair of his and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer for if he has an occasion to feel delight, he thanks (God), thus there is a good for him in it, and if he gets into trouble and shows resignation (and endures it patiently), there is a good for him in it."*

i want to be a believer (mu'min)

*sohih Muslim (042:7138)