I wrote this half-baked post below in March. I can still imagine that episode. Something came loose that night, as I made my confession and hugged her.
I choked at some points during the tadzkirah, because I had a secret. I like to think that I am not capable of holding grudges. But I guess, I could not be at peace. With myself and also with this person. Because, after looking within myself long and hard, I saw there was a little flame of anger. Dissatisfaction. Hurt.
I knew that for my own sake, I needed to be true to my words. That I needed to forgive. At that time, I thought, okay, I would share with her what had happened, how I viewed it, how I told myself many times she might not have meant it but it hurt me still. How I had tried to brush it away but somehow couldn't let go. Just saying "I forgive you" in my heart did not feel enough. I wanted to tell her out loud that I forgive her, as though I need a verbal confirmation from my own self. And, I wanted to tell her I hope nobody else will feel hurt by her the way I did. I know that it's just her being herself: Rough and loud. Knowing this fact, I was still surprised I had taken it (the old incident) to heart. Was it ego? Over time, I opined that perhaps she needs to be careful too. Of the way she responds to people. As much as people learn to understand and accept her character, especially those who do not know her for very long, she has to know what kind of effects she may have on them. And one example is me.
It was a mixed feeling, really. Wanting to forgive and forget, while wanting to be able to explain my thoughts discreetly. I did not want to sound "corrective".. I just wanted to be honest because I am worried for her well being, mine and others', whoever that 'others' are. Truthfully, this piece of hadith had been tugging me: A Muslim is from whose tongue and hand, other Muslims are safe.
I needed to tell her before the night ends. Before I go to sleep. Because I may not see tomorrow. (Yeah, that was how strong the need was. Like an EMERGENCY.) So I gathered my courage and went to look for her at the tent area. I said I had something to tell her, and we walked to an empty grass patch. I started carefully but alas, I couldn't control my emotion. She was puzzled by this sudden change and asked, "what's wrong, Liyana?" And so, I told her.
It was.. bittersweet.
Alhamdulillah... a burden released. From that moment on, I felt that I could begin to love her sincerely as my sister. :')
I do hope I had not hurt her in turn..
There is still a disquiet in my heart. I wonder if i had hurt her?
Let me begin with the tadzkirah that was shared in my games team. The core message was 'jangan terasa hati. Jaga hati.' Because often times in camps, when people have unsettled things, long discussions, last minute changes.. people get stressed, tired.. and either irritable or unresponsive or slooww. Train of thought slows down or is muddled. And so, in the process, they may irritate other people, hurt their feelings with their tongue, facial expression or body language. Be it intentionally and unintentially. At the end of the day, take time to reflect if you had done someone wrong or if you think you had done someone wrong. If you have, find that person to ask for forgiveness. Before you go to sleep.
Or that you may feel hurt because your peers didnt listen to what you were saying, brushed you off, raised their voice at you or some other 1001 reasons. The most important thing for you, is husnuzzhon. It could be their action was not done on purpose. They may not even realised they hurt you. Or that their action is influenced by the stressful state they are in. So, you have got to brush it off, believe it is nothing personal and move on.
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I choked at some points during the tadzkirah, because I had a secret. I like to think that I am not capable of holding grudges. But I guess, I could not be at peace. With myself and also with this person. Because, after looking within myself long and hard, I saw there was a little flame of anger. Dissatisfaction. Hurt.
I knew that for my own sake, I needed to be true to my words. That I needed to forgive. At that time, I thought, okay, I would share with her what had happened, how I viewed it, how I told myself many times she might not have meant it but it hurt me still. How I had tried to brush it away but somehow couldn't let go. Just saying "I forgive you" in my heart did not feel enough. I wanted to tell her out loud that I forgive her, as though I need a verbal confirmation from my own self. And, I wanted to tell her I hope nobody else will feel hurt by her the way I did. I know that it's just her being herself: Rough and loud. Knowing this fact, I was still surprised I had taken it (the old incident) to heart. Was it ego? Over time, I opined that perhaps she needs to be careful too. Of the way she responds to people. As much as people learn to understand and accept her character, especially those who do not know her for very long, she has to know what kind of effects she may have on them. And one example is me.
It was a mixed feeling, really. Wanting to forgive and forget, while wanting to be able to explain my thoughts discreetly. I did not want to sound "corrective".. I just wanted to be honest because I am worried for her well being, mine and others', whoever that 'others' are. Truthfully, this piece of hadith had been tugging me: A Muslim is from whose tongue and hand, other Muslims are safe.
I needed to tell her before the night ends. Before I go to sleep. Because I may not see tomorrow. (Yeah, that was how strong the need was. Like an EMERGENCY.) So I gathered my courage and went to look for her at the tent area. I said I had something to tell her, and we walked to an empty grass patch. I started carefully but alas, I couldn't control my emotion. She was puzzled by this sudden change and asked, "what's wrong, Liyana?" And so, I told her.
It was.. bittersweet.
Alhamdulillah... a burden released. From that moment on, I felt that I could begin to love her sincerely as my sister. :')
I do hope I had not hurt her in turn..
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