Everything in its time: 'Pre-departure'

I was cleaning up my personal folder in my (company's) laptop local drive, when I noticed a Word Doc file titled "20090104_pre-departure". In my head, I already thought, "eh, pre-departure program ke? takkan in January? I helped out in that year ke"

I opened it and... oh, it was an entry chronicling about the day my maternal grandmother passed away. A bit taken aback by this piece of memory. Nevertheless, I am glad I had written down what happened, coz I have indeed forgotten.

Note: apparently I had typed the date in the filename wrongly. Boohoo. Correct year was 2010.

So here's what I had jotted down:

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4 January 2010

6.23pm

About 15 minutes ago, mak called me to say that nenek dah tak lama. The heart rate is about 50 only. I went, huh?! Doctor said, could be til tonight. Several minutes before, I smsed mak, asking her to inform me if there is any change, be it good or bad.

To be honest, I was hesitant to leave the school premises. I thought I couldn’t risk missing a lab class, coz hospital-visiting doesn’t seem to be a solid reason. I said to myself, if nenek’s condition worsen, I would leave. And it did. So im now in the cab, a blue Comfort cab, along Farrer Road. The uncle said there is bound to be jam at PIE.

Some moments ago, I wondered if I should write an account, a live update, of what’s happening. And what is going to happen. I feel I should record whatever feeling, whatever things I see, as today progress.. I wonder how this will end. This is my first time witnessing a solemn.. hmmm.. what’s the word? Occasion?.. after so long.. my uncle died about 4, 5 years ago. And I could not remember how I felt that time.

I am suddenly feeling a bit nauseous. I think it’s the teh peng I had at the canteen just now.

Why am I not feeling very sad?

Yesterday, I went to visit nenek at change hospital with family. When I saw her, I immediately felt sad, sorry for her state. She looks fragile.. small. Her lower lip was swollen because of frequent wiping off of saliva (as I was told), making her look even more.. I dunno.. she couldn’t speak properly because of the swollen lip. Adding to that, her fractured wrist. Her skin is all wrinkled. I could see that my mum inherited her skin from my nenek, and I from her. My skin will become like this too, I thought.

Ahhh…! Restless! I wish I have asam-asin now.

I shall stop here for the moment. Gotta save battery. (im at toa payoh now, by the way)

6.48pm

Just got an sms from mak.

Nenek has passed away at 6.30pm. Inna lillah wa inna ilaihi raji’uun.

Im still in the cab. Somewhere along PIE, eunos?

Suddenly, im reliving the moments of yesterday, when I sort of told nenek I would come back upstairs before we left for home. But I did not.

Will write again later. Feeling even more nauseous.

7.10pm

In a room. Ayah, mak, abang, aqila, irfaan. And a relative, I don’t know his name.

Everyone has red eyes. Im trying not to have red eyes. I wonder what they were thinking then, and what they are thinking now. What sort of pictures, videoreel playing in their eyes.

This is real.

I stroked nenek’s hair for a few times.

Then I decided to come out here and type.

Ibu and kak siti is at ibu’s house to prepare the house.

My hands are shaking, not sure because of the post-nausea, or shaken feeling because of nenek’s death. Or both.

9.15pm

Now at rumah ibu.

Ayah just started to recite surah Yaasin..

I cant pray. So I cant recite Yaasin.

I saw Irfaan being hugged by ibu, both crying.. I was touched. I sat close to nenek, and looked around.. her soul is still here. Her soul is still here. She is here.

Ya Allah.. cucurilah rahmat ke atas roh nenekku. Ya Allah.. lepaskanlah rohnya dari seksaan.. kesakitan.. semoga dia bahagia sekarang.. tak rasa sakit.. tak terkapai-kapai..

Ya Allah.. masukkanlah nenekku dlm golongan orang2 yang soleh.. orang2 yang Berjaya.. beruntung..!

I imagine her now being much more closer to arwah atuk. May they meet in a joyful reunion soon..

Just now, in the van on the way to ibu’s home, I thought to myself, remember, liyana, how you were gonna deal with this kind of situation when it happens.. don’t be sad. There’s no need to. They’ve passed on.. that’s all. I should be happy for them, that their wait is over. That they now can rest. I should be hopeful for them.. that they may be with those who are soleh, blessed, safe.. I should pray for them.. not be sad!

9.40pm

Kematian tu pasti.

Hmm.. I should not be feeling sleepy and wanting to slump onto the bed in front of me, right?

Would that be inappropriate?

While in the ‘last office’, waiting for the porter to come, there were abang, irfaan, aqila and myself. Silent. I wondered what they were thinking. I was thinking.. where is nenek right now? I mean, her soul.. where in the room is it? Floating.. seeing us.. I wondered what nenek is thinking, seeing us there not doing anything. What is she feeling..

Then, abang made small talk.. how he thought now, why didn’t he go up again, like me, instead we were eating popiah at Qiji. He reminisced that nenek used to play with aqila by the gate at blk 587. He mentioned that he got to see arwah atok, nenek and cik mamat. He shared with us how the last moments of atok was.. he was on his rocking chair, with mak beside him.. he had difficulty breathing, and that was it. Hmm.. have to ask mak about this.

Speaking of mak.. I wonder how she is feeling.. does she feel lonely now? So many wonders..

10.26pm

Bacaan tahlil just ended.

For us who are still alive.. what does, what should this death mean to us? Is our reflection mode turned on?

The person who read the du’a read these ayats.. the meaning, roughly – wahai diri yang tenang.. kembalilah kepada TuhanMu dlm keadaan redha dan diredhai. Maka masuklah engkau dalam golongan hambaKu, dan masuklah engkau dalam syurgaKu..

Allah..! the ayats really struck a chord. May nenek be one who is mut’mainnah.. who has return to her Rabb in a manner that her Rabb is pleased with her.. who has been invited into His Heaven.. may arwah atok and arwah cik mamat be with her.. wow.. come to think of it.. the whole family is almost complete there.. arwah atok, arwah nenek, arwah cik mamat, arwah pak cik kamil (whom I never got to know because he passed away when he was still a baby).. they are all there now. Only mak left here.

Akhirat is real. There is life after death.

A strong reminder to myself.. that the most intelligent person is one who remembers death and prepares for it.

10.46pm

Can I sleep? Im feeling a bit guilty.. like, I don’t have enough respect for the dead.

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I didn't continue. Ended abruptly just like that. I don't remember at all about the days following her passing.

More than 3 years on, all is well, alhamdulillah.. =)

This is the Last Office, by the way: