Beautiful and poignant, is it not?

Came across this photo as I read the last paragraph of sis Hidayah Amin's profile at kita.sg. (click here)

I am inspired by her sharings. And that last photo. So I made it my desktop background. As a motivation and reminder ^_^

Ermm.. I hope the owner of the photo wouldn't mind..

1 week in Kelantan!

Saw on FB Newsfeed about a "Kem 50 Jam" (50-Hour Camp) in which the main activity is talaqqi Quran. Hmm.. I thought, this might be interesting. The friend who posted about it emailed me the details and...............

 

The date is just nice! Ya Allah...! This would make a wonderful, awesome, meaningful birthday present from me to myself..!! ^__________^

Coz of a few things:

1. I've not gone on a holiday this year (Konya, Turkey, didn't happen)
2. It's in Kelantan (I've been wanting to visit Kelantan, Terengganu, Kedah.. those states that are further away than the usual Johore, KL..)
3. It's something to do with al-Quran (been seeking some tranquility..!)
4. The resort is by the beach (the sea, peaceful environment = double happiness lah, can?)
5. There's a visit to Pantai Cahaya Bulan on the last day (the last time I went there was when I was.. 8 or 9 years old? And it's a beeeeeeeaachhh.. *a sense of longing, reminiscing the Mediterranean Sea*)
6. I just want to get away for a while

Check out the itinerary. The talaqqi Quran is pretty intensive. Other activities are: leisure activity (day 3), a motivational talk (day 3), a presentation about Tajwid (day 4), free&easy period (day 6), an educational talk (day 7, i.e. last day), shopping and sightseeing (last day). https://www.dropbox.com/s/mhdwz4ee24no2b3/BetulEdit2013-%20PROGRAM%40%20KEM%2050%20JAM.docx

It's $680.. so, hmmmm... kinda hurt. Coz I don't have that amount to spend. Saving up for a bigger cause. Patience, k, Liyana? Tadarrus Quran, you can do by yourself, kan. Relaxing by the beach, hmmm.. maybe next year you'll be able to experience it, kalau ada rezki.. If not next year, then, one day.. bi idznillah~

Chin up, chin up~ better things await you =)

'Pre-departure'

I was cleaning up my personal folder in my (company's) laptop local drive, when I noticed a Word Doc file titled "20090104_pre-departure". In my head, I already thought, "eh, pre-departure program ke? takkan in January? I helped out in that year ke"

I opened it and... oh, it was an entry chronicling about the day my maternal grandmother passed away. A bit taken aback by this piece of memory. Nevertheless, I am glad I had written down what happened, coz I have indeed forgotten.

Note: apparently I had typed the date in the filename wrongly. Boohoo. Correct year was 2010.

So here's what I had jotted down:

--------------------------------------------------------

4 January 2010

6.23pm

 

About 15 minutes ago, mak called me to say that nenek dah tak lama. The heart rate is about 50 only. I went, huh?! Doctor said, could be til tonight. Several minutes before, I smsed mak, asking her to inform me if there is any change, be it good or bad.

To be honest, I was hesitant to leave the school premises. I thought I couldn’t risk missing a lab class, coz hospital-visiting doesn’t seem to be a solid reason. I said to myself, if nenek’s condition worsen, I would leave. And it did. So im now in the cab, a blue Comfort cab, along Farrer Road. The uncle said there is bound to be jam at PIE.

Some moments ago, I wondered if I should write an account, a live update, of what’s happening. And what is going to happen. I feel I should record whatever feeling, whatever things I see, as today progress.. I wonder how this will end. This is my first time witnessing a solemn.. hmmm.. what’s the word? Occasion?.. after so long.. my uncle died about 4, 5 years ago. And I could not remember how I felt that time.

I am suddenly feeling a bit nauseous. I think it’s the teh peng I had at the canteen just now.

Why am I not feeling very sad?

Yesterday, I went to visit nenek at change hospital with family. When I saw her, I immediately felt sad, sorry for her state. She looks fragile.. small. Her lower lip was swollen because of frequent wiping off of saliva (as I was told), making her look even more.. I dunno.. she couldn’t speak properly because of the swollen lip. Adding to that, her fractured wrist. Her skin is all wrinkled. I could see that my mum inherited her skin from my nenek, and I from her. My skin will become like this too, I thought.

Ahhh…! Restless! I wish I have asam-asin now.

I shall stop here for the moment. Gotta save battery. (im at toa payoh now, by the way)

 

6.48pm

 

Just got an sms from mak.

Nenek has passed away at 6.30pm. Inna lillah wa inna ilaihi raji’uun.

Im still in the cab. Somewhere along PIE, eunos?

Suddenly, im reliving the moments of yesterday, when I sort of told nenek I would come back upstairs before we left for home. But I did not.

Will write again later. Feeling even more nauseous.

 

7.10pm

In a room. Ayah, mak, abang, aqila, irfaan. And a relative, I don’t know his name.

Everyone has red eyes. Im trying not to have red eyes. I wonder what they were thinking then, and what they are thinking now. What sort of pictures, videoreel playing in their eyes.

This is real.

I stroked nenek’s hair for a few times.

Then I decided to come out here and type.

Ibu and kak siti is at ibu’s house to prepare the house.

My hands are shaking, not sure because of the post-nausea, or shaken feeling because of nenek’s death. Or both.

 

9.15pm

Now at rumah ibu.

Ayah just started to recite surah Yaasin..

I cant pray. So I cant recite Yaasin.

I saw Irfaan being hugged by ibu, both crying.. I was touched. I sat close to nenek, and looked around.. her soul is still here. Her soul is still here. She is here.

Ya Allah.. cucurilah rahmat ke atas roh nenekku. Ya Allah.. lepaskanlah rohnya dari seksaan.. kesakitan.. semoga dia bahagia sekarang.. tak rasa sakit.. tak terkapai-kapai..

Ya Allah.. masukkanlah nenekku dlm golongan orang2 yang soleh.. orang2 yang Berjaya.. beruntung..!

I imagine her now being much more closer to arwah atuk. May they meet in a joyful reunion soon..

Just now, in the van on the way to ibu’s home, I thought to myself, remember, liyana, how you were gonna deal with this kind of situation when it happens.. don’t be sad. There’s no need to. They’ve passed on.. that’s all. I should be happy for them, that their wait is over. That they now can rest. I should be hopeful for them.. that they may be with those who are soleh, blessed, safe.. I should pray for them.. not be sad!

 

9.40pm

 

Kematian tu pasti.

Hmm.. I should not be feeling sleepy and wanting to slump onto the bed in front of me, right?

Would that be inappropriate?

While in the ‘last office’, waiting for the porter to come, there were abang, irfaan, aqila and myself. Silent. I wondered what they were thinking. I was thinking.. where is nenek right now? I mean, her soul.. where in the room is it? Floating.. seeing us.. I wondered what nenek is thinking, seeing us there not doing anything. What is she feeling..

Then, abang made small talk.. how he thought now, why didn’t he go up again, like me, instead we were eating popiah at Qiji. He reminisced that nenek used to play with aqila by the gate at blk 587. He mentioned that he got to see arwah atok, nenek and cik mamat. He shared with us how the last moments of atok was.. he was on his rocking chair, with mak beside him.. he had difficulty breathing, and that was it. Hmm.. have to ask mak about this.

Speaking of mak.. I wonder how she is feeling.. does she feel lonely now? So many wonders..

 

10.26pm

 

Bacaan tahlil just ended.

For us who are still alive.. what does, what should this death mean to us? Is our reflection mode turned on?  

The person who read the du’a read these ayats.. the meaning, roughly – wahai diri yang tenang.. kembalilah kepada TuhanMu dlm keadaan redha dan diredhai. Maka masuklah engkau dalam golongan hambaKu, dan masuklah engkau dalam syurgaKu..

Allah..! the ayats really struck a chord. May nenek be one who is mut’mainnah.. who has return to her Rabb in a manner that her Rabb is pleased with her.. who has been invited into His Heaven.. may arwah atok and arwah cik mamat be with her.. wow.. come to think of it.. the whole family is almost complete there.. arwah atok, arwah nenek, arwah cik mamat, arwah pak cik kamil (whom I never got to know because he passed away when he was still a baby).. they are all there now. Only mak left here.

Akhirat is real. There is life after death.

A strong reminder to myself.. that the most intelligent person is one who remembers death and prepares for it.

 

10.46pm

 

Can I sleep? Im feeling a bit guilty.. like, I don’t have enough respect for the dead.

 

--------------------------------------------------------

I didn't continue. Ended abruptly just like that. I don't remember at all about the days following her passing.

More than 3 years on, all is well, alhamdulillah.. =)

This is the Last Office, by the way:

The lamp being ON means a body is inside

Turns out this is another photo I still keep from that day

 

Suddenly i miss blogging properly.
I dont even update my yellow 2013 calendar.
Many things've happened this year.. deaths, first-time's, among others.
Days just passed me by and i ceased to remember..

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

I would have signed up for package #4: umrah + baitul maqdis + amman + petra.

Look at the date! It would've been a meaningful end of 2013 and wonderful start of 2014.

Now, look at the date again!

Alas, Allah is the Best of Planners! Who would've thought, ey? :')

*Still feeling a biiiit terkilan that i won't get to go.. i know that time will heal it.. i just have to be patient*

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

another gift, another sign..

.. that Allah listens and is opening opportunities for me to be better :')

In a few recent Stories of Prophets lessons, i was introduced to the name of Umm 'Ammarah. Pretty admirable lady, frm what ustaz Bani described to us.

so, terdetik dlm hati nak google and read abt her. Belum terbuat.

Dan pernah juga terdetik dlm hati nak mula ambil tahu - betul2 ambil tahu - siapakah sebenarnya saiyidatina Khadijah dan Aishah.

Tup tup, hari ni.. dapat hadiah buku ini! Terima kasih kpd kawan2 A, F dan R~~

Allah is telling me something here..

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

Pukul 1am lebih tadi: niat di hati nak tutop laptop dan gi tidur.

Sekali!

Nampak sahabat yg di Jordan online.

Siap call, eh? Utk dgr kite punye "khabar kabiir raa'i'!" :p

Sayangnya, couldnt understand her properly even though the voice was clear. Like, her words all mushed up. So, kita sambung online chat.

Satu jam lebih kemudian ni.. belum habis berbual, ye.

Rinduuuuu..!

Ana nak terbang ke Jordan berbual dgn anti face-to-face lah. Byk benda ana nak cerita dan nak tanya anti.. :') ana nak jalan tempat2 yg anti jalan, ana nak lihat tempat2 dan orang2 yg anti lihat..

Hmm.. lagi 3 sem. Harapnya jumpa lagi ye selepas tu? Tapi.. klw tak..

ﻋﺴﻰ ﺍﻟﻠﻪ ﺃﻥ ﻳﺠﻤﻌﻨﺎ ﺛﺎﻧﻴﺔ
ﻓﻲ ﺟﻨﺔ ﻗﻄﻮﻓﻬﺎ ﺩﺍﻧﻴﺔ

:')

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

Get lost in Allah first, liyana.. boleh?

Don't taint it. You dont want the barakah to be taken away. So, please, liyana, take good care of yourself. Be spiritually and mentally ready.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

Perempuan kena tegas ok? Kena. Tegas.

Cakap yg perlu je. Ttg perkara2 yg perlu je.

Komunikasi memang penting. Kite faham sangat2.

Tapi kite takut. Tak tahu mana nak draw the line. Kite takut kite terpijak over the line. Perbualan biasa2, topik biasa2, tapi hati tak biasa, kan? Ada rasa terusik, tak?

Tak nak menyakiti. Mcm mana kite sampaikan msg ni secara subtle, eh? Definisi 'perkara yg perlu' bagi kite, blh jadi ia berbeza bagi orang lain.

Aku mahu tegas kerana Mu, ya Rabb! Aku sangat2 takut akan azabMu. Aku takut aku menjadi fitnah kpd seseorg. Aku takut aku jadi lemah. Biarlah, jika orang itu dan orang2 lain fikir aku ni syadid. Jagalah hatiku, ya Rabbiiii.. :'(




*feeling pelik, x selesa, 'hmmm', irritated-with-self-coz-i-sense-im-starting-to-enjoy-the-exchange*
*k, get back to work*

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

Pagi2 ni, filling my stomach with dates still left over frm ramadhan and some cherries.

First time dlm seumur hidup makan cherry segar! Many2 months ago when kak khad shared that fresh cherries are *delicious*, i was skeptical AND curious.
Selama ni kan, makan cherry yg atas kek tu.. which i dont fancy.

Ada rezki bulan ni, kite beli lah satu paket.. rasanya?

Tak lah manis mcm longan atau blackberry.. sipi2 je. Masam sgt pun tidak. Maybe the cherries frm this particular farm memang bukan jenis yg juicy+manis gils.

Nevertheless, now i know what it tastes like!

I wonder where to get those oh-so-yummy ones as described by kak khad..

On another note, this morning im feeling extra alert, while at the same time, physically tired. Just cant go back to sleep!

Last night, after the guest had left, after bro filled me in with details and his inputs.. i felt overwhelmed. I really thought i wouldnt be able to sleep, since my brain was activelytthinking this and that. Sat at the living room, contemplating.. it was prolly almost 1am.

Mum asked if i would like to share what was on my mind. So i did. My concerns, worries, hopes.. alhamdulillah sgt2 dapat keluarkan apa yg terbuku kat hati. I dont usually share intimate stuff and my deep thoughts with my mum, but this time, i know it was the right moment and i just had be mature and honest abt it.

I returned to my room. A bit more of contemplation. Then i crashed. The last time i checked my hp, it was abt 15 min past 2am. Nyenyak, alhamdulillah ^_^

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

I spotted this quote in FB newsfeed earlier this evening:

"Keep praying for what it is you seek. Impossibility and possibility are merely concepts of your mind, to Allah nothing is impossible"

On another note, with Allah, nothing is impossible.


So what is it, Liyana, that you are looking for? Don't stop asking Allah for it, ok?

Riyadhussolihin

Selepas lebih dari sebulan, akhirnya, kitab Riyadhussolihin sampai juga ke tangan kite ^___^

Kite tengah ikuti kelas pembacaan kitab Riyadhussolihin kendalian Tradisi Halaqah cawangan Muslimah, di Darul Furqan. Baru bab 3 atau 4.. sebab sebelum mula kitab ni, kita baca kitab Tuhfah Azhariah dulu.. kemudian, sempat baca sampai bab 3 atau 4 then hiatus, sebab kak Halimah gi Tarim. Ni dia baru balik, inshaAllah will be resuming the class tomorrow!

Masa mula2 kelas berlangsung, macam reunion. Kak Halimah ada, kak Mariam ada, kak Mardhiyah ada, 'Adilah ada, kak Shaista pon pernah turun sekali! Allah.. rasanya dah bertahun tak jumpa dia. Rezki dapat jumpa tahun ni. Rupa2nya, dia duduk di Penang bersama suami dan dua anaknya. My memory of her masih 'stuck' kat MKS, jadi susah sikit nak imagine dia sudah berkeluarga! hehe..

Kelas ni tak lah seperti kelas Syamail, di mana guru terangkan sekali makna hadith. It's purely 'reading', sekali sekala je pause klw ada point2 yang berfaedah or relevant. Hmm.. ok lah jugak. Kita yang kena rajin baca makna (dan cuba fahamkan) pada masa lapang. Speaking of which, kite belum habis baca! Huhu.. masih rilek2 baca the first few pages of kitab terjemahan terbitan Pustaka Nasional. Tuan penterjemah ada masukkan section  'Mustholah Hadith', jadi itu lah yang sedang kite baca.. revise balik ilmu yang pernah kite belajar 8 tahun lalu *gasp! dah 8 tahuuunnn..?* Useful! Baarakallahu fiihim!

Anyway, so, on 31 July, I met up with Afza after tarawih to collect the book. Tengok beg plastiknya je terus... teringat Mesir. Awwwwwww.... Masa kat sana tahun lepas, A'feyah ada pesan beli buku banyak2, tapi, hati tak terbukak untuk beli ape2. Nampak gedung Darussalam kat Husain, tapi tak teringin time tu untuk jejakkan kaki ke dalam. Sekarang, ada lah rasa "what if..". Apa pun, qaddarallah! Suatu hari bila kite ke sana lagi, inshaAllah, kite nak check out the bookstore.

Actually, ingatkan Afra & Afza masih tinggal kat blok sebelah. Rupa2nya, keluarga mereka dah pindah ke Johor.. postpone punye postpone, alhamdulillah, dapat jugak jumpa malam tu. Syukran kathiran kepada Afza kerana tolong bawa + simpankan dan kepada Ummu Aiman kerana belikan, dan kepada sesiapa sahaja yang involved yang mungkin kite tak tahu. Semoga bagi antum pahala yang terus mengalir.. selagi mana kite belajar kitab ni dan selagi mana kite amalkan apa yang kite pelajari dari hadith2 yang ada di dalam :')

Dah tu, excited sangat so dalam mrt kite belek2 kitab.. kite baca muqaddimah oleh Imam Nawawi.. sampai ke perenggan ni, terus kite terkedu:

Makna:

Sebab kan masa tu kite tercari2, kepingin2, untuk sembuhkan hati kite yang sedang sakit ni. Hati ni tengah sakit sangat2

Allah terus beri jawapan. Ya, kite perlu istiqamah hadirkan diri dalam kelas Riyadhussolihin ni khususnya dan majlis2 ilmu amnya, duduk bersama kawan2 yang baik, dalam suasana yang baik. Inilah satu cara yang ada untuk kite pulihkan diri kite. I am still hopeful that one day, Allah will give me the opportunity to go on a journey, traverse the world to seek meanings, to search my soul, and to learn.

feels good to be back..

.. to this place which played a significant part in my childhood and adolescence.

I'm feeling warmth, fondness, sadness, gratefulness.. a blend of emotions.. somewhat longing to view the past.

I'm glad i came here. Alone. To be with myself. Seeking solace.

Even more glad that i get to be at the 2nd level.. turns out the 1st floor is converted to male section temporarily in Ramadhan. The 2nd level musolla holds a lot of memories. Ahh.. wish i can slowly play them back.

And tonight, i shall fall asleep staring at those familiar lines of brown 'bookshelves', as i call the ceiling. ^_^

Tusbihiina 'alal khair!

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

I need to go to a place where I will be humbled to the ground. Where I can wash away this disease, where I will be taught and guided to purify my heart.

Ya Allah... where?

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

Been keeping this for 5 years. A Mosaic assignment frm Arts Appreciation module (a cross-disciplinary subject). I got 14.5 marks out of 20. Okayy lah.. i knew my artpiece was mediocre pun.

Finally, i reached a point of 'i-dont-care-anymore' to throw it away. This and a bunch of old magazines, brochures, books, papers.

Liyana suka eh simpan2!

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

I have butterflies in my stomach yet again. Been smiling to myself silly for the past 1 hour.

I need to focus on my work lah, liyana..! Can you shut your thoughts til 6pm? Better yet, til the end of Ramadhan..??

Seriously, this is the biggest mujahadah yet. The ultimate Ramadhan Challenge. Ya Allah.. please help me contain my thoughts and feelings, and redirect my focus back to You, to what's now, to reality, to improving my own self.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

I woke up this morning, groggy.

It's the 2nd time this month; that i couldn't sleep. Prolly 2 hours of light sleep? Or 3?

Still feeling shocked. Not 'surprised', but 'thrown off your wheels' kind of shock.

Hmm... mcm nak ambil cuti je.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

I dreamt that Aszafirah and Kamaliah got married on the same day. Cant remember if the dream was last night's or 2 nights ago.

Cute lah! I dunno why i suddenly dreamt of them. And i dunno whether i should share this happy dream with them.. i dont even know if either of them is getting engaged, is engaged or is getting married.

Rindu kat diorang kot? ^_^

Let's see how the future unfolds!

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

jalan raya yang sibuk

Masa tgh berbual dgn Aiman tadi, 2.15ptg waktu Kahirah, dia dan kawan2nya tgh ada study group. Lagi 7 kertas peperiksaan, katanya.

Teringat tahun lepas, bila mereka2 ni baru nak ke sana.. pergi workshop2 pra-keberangkatan..masih bersiap2.. :) Semoga Allah terangkan hati mereka.. semoga mereka ikhlas dalam belajar.. hati2 dlm beradab dan berakhlak.. sebab kat sana, Allah beri kat siapa yg deserving je, dan Dia uji siapa yg Dia kehendaki.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

One of my favourite bookmarks! And i just love love LOVE the words.. *happy sigh*

i'm glad i bought it, many years ago.

About 2 weeks back, i finished reading Have A Little Faith (by Mitch Albom). Such a wonderful book! The old rabbi's outlook of life, especially. He was traditional, wise and open. He UNDERSTOOD. Never mind that he came from a different religion. I think that, men of God, regardless of beliefs, if they are really sincere in learning and trying to understand and live the core of God's message, the virtues would eventually manifest in them.. and we find inspiration in their character, speech and thoughts.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10