all tensed up -_-'

ok. i got a C. capital CEMERLANG. that's it. that's all i can say. im being careful now, so as to not start blurting out words that might shatter the defence im building against myself.

anyway, i started to tense up when ust damawiyah began talking about the results. i started to think of my own result, my classmates'..n the thoughts flew to other places too..like, the fact that im leaving the school (again..again..n again!) suddenly i wasnt looking forward to watch the syarahan vcd. suddenly i was quiet when my classmates were laughing their heads off right behind me. suddenly im moodless.

right after watching the vcd, we received the result slips..ust damawiyah made it a bit 'special' coz she put them in envelopes..that's nice of her. even before she went out of the class, some of us had opened it. i immediately heard a shriek from the back row. it was kak hairani..her face was flushed. but i was looking at fatin who was behind her. n asikin. i went to asikin. she failed. so was fatin. (notice that im using past tense?) kak hairani passed! alhamdulillah~ she actually cried.. oh~ kak hairani, im very happy for you.

the scene changed. some were fidgety.some lowered their heads. some are just plain relaxed. some formed groups. n i was all tensed up. i kept turning my head around. to see the people around me. i hadnt opened my envelope. coz i know i would be very disappointed. yet, i know, my troubled heart was caused by something else..not just that. i felt that something was wrong.i couldnt concentrate on my readings.i stood up, walked about. felt like getting out of the class. fast. before i broke down or something. i stood at the back..i just stared..maisarah came up to me. she said, "dont cry." she shook my body hard. i didnt cry, though my eyes were starting to swell up with tears.

ya Allah! what's wrong with me?? why am i this way??? actually, how should i be feeling??

i went to the toilet. washed my face..hoping that the water would ease the uneasiness..then, i called home, asking my parents' permission to open the envelope. green light. i walked back to class. i sat down. took the envelope out of my bag. opened the seal. as i was doing so, i wished that someone might've opened it for me. (god! i havent felt like this before! why have i?? why??)..then i saw the words. CEMERLANG. a BIG PANG of disappointment.oh! i could feel it now. blood came rushing. from where, to where..i dunno..i quickly put away the paper. suddenly, i felt that this was too much (to think of it..what was too much?! you exaggerated too much liyana! you're better off than the others! so shut up! what's the fuss?!) i took deep breathes. tears started to roll..silent tears. i continued reading the storybook that was in front of me. i wiped the tears away. it stopped flowing. well~ it wasnt flowing, it was trickling down my cheeks, to be exact.

i just read the words from the book until the bell rang. then, there were only a few of us in the class..sat in a group..i wasnt there long..i went to get kamaliah's camera from ust Zauwiah..few minutes after that..we went to the hall where other students had just finished zohor prayers.

i took the mike. told everyone to sit n calm down. then started my so-called speech. it was me, again. how come i always have to make the speech?! ish~ balik2 muke liyana! bukannye berkesan sgt me ckp! tk pandai menyusun kate2..nanti end up me lecture org plak! anyway..i dont want to recall what i said..but my speech was a bit intermittent. paham2 je ah~ i was getting emotional..ish~ nk maintain pon susah! apart from myself, kamaliah n maisarah did put up a few words..with humor in it..unlike me. *psst..sape2 baik boleh brtahu kt tagboard ape yg ana, kamaliah n maisarah ckp..bleh tk? nanti ana tmbh kt sini.* ended the speech with bacaan fatihah untuk kejayaan sec4s in the O's n kejayaan pelajar2 yg lain in SA2..hmmm~

after that. PHOTOTAKING SESSION!! yeah~ the mood changed. from sad to happy. from solemn to..umm..happy again?..we started with budak2 1989..cewah~ mcm2 pose kite buat..i was happy that budak2 1989 dpt kumpul same2 balik..yelah..kn ade yg kt sec 3,2,1..jd, first time ah kite dpt bergambar same2..hmmm..ramai jugak budak 1989 yg maseh wujud di alsagoff.. :) ..unfortunately, we werent able to take SEC4 photos..coz ust suhana had ordered all of us to return to class..in class..rupe2nye, ade yg tgh posing nk ambik gmbr dgn ust suhana n ust juliah! ape lagi..me join sekali ah~ fuyo! kecoh kelas! naseb baik tk kene warning drpd you-know-who..hehe..

the only thing that we studied today was sastera. you know, when i watched aszafirah, kak hairani, liyana, khairunnisa, isyanti n izyani..suddenly, i kind of saw them in a different light. i dunno. what is different..n how different..i dunno myself. *wondering..*

10 minutes before the last bell..we started to pack our things away..but not without more phototaking! hehe.. i managed to take the pictures from a few angles..i hope the others will be satisfied. sadly though..there are people who were left out. im sorry guys. only one camera was allowed. (minus fashihah's..i was worried when i found out she brought her camera! takut kena confiscate, n me disoal..err) so, not many people got the chance to play around with the camera n shoot their own fancy photos..sorry again!

before i left the school, i took another picture with kamaliah n a few sec 3 students. after that..i stepped out of the school gate.

that was how my life at school today. out of 10, how much would you give? ;p