The Attraction

ah, yes, ladies and gentlemen... after months of waiting, we're finally here to witness the most anticipating confession by none other by the writer herself.

*winks*

haha..ok, cut the crap!

hmmm..one of the challenges in poly for me, personally, is facing beautiful and good-looking creatures of the male homo sapien sapiens. beautiful? well, yes. i shall not take back that word, albeit using it to describe men..

again, cut the crap! nak gunekan bahase purely english susah ah....susah nak explain ape yg kite nak sampaikan! blergh!

ok, so... mmg hari2 ujian kt sekolah... tapi tk heran jugak ah... sbb dah biase.. lagipon, me bukan jenis yg nampak lelaki wasim je terus "eh! handsomenye lelaki nie" or "tgk kt situ..yang pakai baju merah tu... handsome sey.." YUCK! sakit telinge dengar... tapi... unfortunately, me ade kwn2 sekolah yg macam gitu..jadi terpakselah buat muke selamba bila diorg ckp mcm gitu... kadang2 tu... topic lelaki boleh memanjang plak.... bagi me, isinye cukup tk penting... baik dari memberi gelaran kpd si fulan, kepada cerite "semalam aku chat dgn dekni..." bla bla bla..

kawan2 yg dah kenal me lame mungkin tahu lelaki bagaiman yg me tertarik.. alamak..me tersenyum2 sendiri plak kt sini!... klw tkde yg tahu pon, tkpe.. biar hati me mnie, hanye Tuhan je yg tahu =)

that's why bila ade gathering MSes (Muslim Societies)...or ape2 je event yg melibatkan belia Melayu Islam...me hesitant nak join... walaupon ilmu/pengalaman menunggu disana...tapi me selalu pikir... ramai lelaki ke tidak eh... takut tergugat iman.. silap2, baik niat kite nak tuntun ilmu, niat kite dicemari dgn actions dan pikiran2 yang tk betul..

haiz~

ok... i remembered a cousion of mine (you know who you are!) asking me if i have had crushes before..i answered something like "of course! im a human.." n dia nak tahu sape.. haha! no way that im gonna tell you! but..thinking about it.. i dont think i mind sharing it with my readers... coz it's my past, when i was still quite naive and...i dunno..it's funny when i remember all these..the days of yore.. and i dont think most of you will know who i'll be talking about.. maybe some, or few, of you..

here goes:

my first crush, i think, was a friend of my brother. hah! i was...maybe 7,8,9 or 10 years old back then.. hehe.. dia wasim.. mmg tk dinafikan. as i got older, rase crush2 nie sume dgn sendirinye hilang. lagipon, me tk tahu ape khabar dia skrg.. pendek kate, semuanye normal.. if you ask me, kecil2 dah suke2 org..kwn abang sendiri plak tu, ape yg menariknye ttg dia? hahaha... maaf, me tk dpt nak jwb tu.. sbb me pon tk tahu! haha!

then, my next crush was a relative of me. yes.. as some of you might know.. i dont really talk to my male relatives... dari kecil lagi dah malu2 sakan... plus the fact that me jarang jumpe sedare-mare.. haha! mungkin period yang ketare ialah pri - secondary.. skrg nie, although rase malu masih ade, tapi me dah boleh anggap mereka sbg "just another human being and relative". i dont think you know what i mean. never mind. plus, i have more confidence to talk to them.. yeah..i think another factor would be my level of confidence...dulu2 tu masih low..

so, anyway, klw tk silap bila me ade crush dgn si fulan yg pertama tu overlap dgn yg si fulan kedua.. astaghfirullah~~ bila me pikir balik, camnelah perasaan nie boleh timbul dlm diri me yg masih budak2 nie! setan ni jahat betul! muda2 lagi dia dah kacau kite! and of course, perasaan tu pudar dgn sendirinye. tapi lame tau! bertahun2 baru dah ok. ade jugak penyebab kenape rase suka tu lame hilang. tapi me tk nk disclose kt sini sbb perkare tu adelah satu clue yg obvious skali =)

then...........................

haaa~~ the next one... me pasti some of my friends tahu.. you know who you are my friends... and you know who that person is... klw tk silap, i first saw this person when i was in primary 5. mase tu tk rase ape2...then, ntah eh bila, perasaan suka tu ade... ianya berlarutan sampai menengah 3 gitu...time menengah 4 pon mase ade sisa2 kot.

it was, i daresay, the strongest feeling i had for someone. yes, childish and immature as it sounds, that was what happened. the person doesnt know i exist. i do not know the person personally. all i know is, he's intelligent. n that's what turns me on, usually. it was a hopeless thing, indeed. n a particular friend of mine knows how i actually felt, coz i did confide in her. yes, you know who you are... and im asking you now, if you read this, to keep the matter to yourself ok? forever. coz i know i can trust you.

hmmm... intense feeling, it was. there was no happiness. just empty longings. timid hopes that...urgh~ i dunno what!..i finally got over this person... he is doing well now. and i pray that he is happy and successful, his faith remains strong.

now?

well... mainly infatuation, i admit. poly students.. even org yg tk pernah me jumpe, tp pernah chat, me ade 'crush' ..tk ke merepek tu! kesian bro tu, jadi mangsa! haha..

*4.33am now*

ironinye, org2 yang me ade crush nie adelah org2 yg me tk kenal. what i mean is, they're not my friends n im not their friend.

bila pikir2 balik.... org2 yg single mcm me nie pon tk lepas dari ujian. ye, mmg kite bersih dari maksiat "berpegangan tangan, bergayut kt talipon, etc etc dgn matair".. tapi pada hakikatnye, kite diuji sejauh mane kite mampu menundukkan pandangan, bercakap dgn rajul bila perlu, jage pergaulan, jage hati jgn smpi perasaan yg tk elok timbul, jaga penampilan dan perilaku agar tidak menarik perhatian lelaki.... masya Allah! mmg susah sgt!! sangat2 sukar!

sedangkan dgn sepupu lelaki sendiri, apakah kite jage pergaulan kite dgn dia/mereka????

~sebenarnye, yang biase tu lah yang luarbiase..~

me selalu ingat kate2 nie....sape yg cakap eh? is it mase one of the NI usrah??

sedangkan aku ni seorang hafizah... betape sukarnye untukku menegakkan pendirianku, membela akhlak dan didikan yg telah lama disemai dlm diri, mempraktikkan Islam. betape sukarnye untukku melaksanakan tanggungjawabku sebagai seorg muslimah yg hafizah!! sedangkan al-Quran ade di bahuku..!

Ya Allah~ lindungilah aku daripada menjadi fitnah kepada lelaki... dan jauhkanlah mereka daripadaku, agar hatiku terpelihara...Ya Allah~~

ok, itu je, kawan2...

me bukanlah seorg yg all-round baik... me pasti, ade junior2 yang bace nie akan terkejut bhw kakak kite yg satu nie ade crush kt org... yelah, kt alsagoff dulu selalu strict, berdisiplin.. hehe... simply said, im not an angel, ok?

ape yg penting, kite kena curb feeling2 nie sume... me sendiri tk approve org2 yang bercintan-cintun nie, biarpun mereka kwn2 me sendiri..or my juniors/seniors.. me pelik, do you actually chuck out all that religious knowledge that you've learned? and, without guilty, erase the awareness from you heart and mind? are you denying that God is All-Seeing and All-knowing?

me sedih bile pikirkan nie sume...lebih sedih lagi bila pikir yg me masih kekurangan courage untuk berdepan dgn org mcm gini... ~sikit demi sedikit wahai diri, Allah akan beri kekuatan..~

*4.57am now*

walau apepun, me tetap anggap kamu sebagai kwn... like i said, in the end, you are simply you =)

baiklah, sampai sini je me nak tulis. dah tk smpi hati nak pakse diri untuk stay awake.. aniaya diri jek!

ok... see you around!

p/s: ape yg me tulis nie mungkin tk clear, atau agak draggy..paham2 je lah ye, pagi2 bute me tulis...jadi tahap pemikiran dan rasionaliti tidak optimal.