Ugly

I closed my eyes and muttered, "astaghfirullah.."

Immediately I heard a senior say, "Liyana ngantuk, eh." (or somewhere along that line)

I opened my eyes and smiled.

The truth is, I was not sleepy. Or maybe I was, a bit, but I did not close my eyes because they were tired and sleepy.










I was trying to block something from my mind.












An image. A horrible one, in my opinion.

One of many, that have been appearing so suddenly in my head. On and off. Sometimes, I may be thinking about something, or subconsciously thinking about a particular thing, or my thoughts drift from its original point, and then, a nasty image, or an inappropriate thought would surface.

It would catch me off-guard. And I would close my eyes and whisper istighfar to myself. Or, shout at myself (no, Liyana!!), or moan (noo... please stop..). Feeling guilty that these bad things are in my head. Feeling shameful of myself because I did not try hard enough to block them off or because sometimes, I actually enjoyed that thought or image for two seconds or three. Feeling frustrated because it keeps popping up.

I would feel helpless when this happens.

Of course, this morning I had no time to feel helpless because I was busy listening to the programme flow (which I thought, "whyyy do they take soO long on one item?". Hmm.. I have forgotten what it is like to organise something, scrutinize every little detail, and be in a indecisive, round-a-bout state), fishing for ideas for tadzkirah (which I ended up not doing because I could not bring myself to say things I do not mean), and worrying for the logs team (well, it was more like I was floating between worried and not worried).

These images have taken a particular theme, for the past few months. And I am beginning to feel very disturbed at how frequent they appear. They make me feel dirty on the inside.

Nobody can help me in this. Only I can. Certain things just cannot be fixed, assured, relieved by others. Certain things are just my own battle. Mine only. I am feeling lonely. I am feeling sad, I am scared to my wits, because I am alone to fight this.

I have to accept that certain things, are just between me and Allah. I seek His help, to cure me inside. I must never ever stop seeking His help. Because if I do, I will destroy myself.






Remember this, Liyana, ok? Remember what you have just written.