a piece of answer..

alhamdulillah~~ i believe Allah has finally shown me the way. i mean, not totally 'finally'... it's more like i've been given the first 'clue' as to where im going to pursue my studies... get my point?

*one option's been crossed off*

you know, it's been VERY VERY VERY VERY hard for me to even think for a minute or two about where im going to pursue my studies. so most of the time, i try to avoid the subject. as days went by - since i finished my o level exams - it got more n more difficult for me to answer the most popular question of all: "nak sambung kt mana?"

so, i've set my standard answer to that: "belum tahu lagi." though i get sick myself for answering that answer. i mean, i kept thinking - and still am - "are you sure you dont know?? you dont have any idea??? well, then, if you dont, YOU BETTER ACT NOW! sampai bila kau nak cakap 'belum tahu lagi'... dont just sit and wait!" yeah...i feel hopeless sometimes.. thinking about this..

of course, i've prayed, 've been praying..and pleading..that Allah will guide me and show me the way.. what's His choice for me..where's the best place for me.. although.... - im not ashamed to say this - although sometimes i get tired and discouraged..and hopeless again. i try not to complain..i know this is the devil's work, trying to make me lose my faith, inconsistent in praying..but im not giving up. not giving in.

i cried, yes. as i said, it's HARD for me..in this situation..

and sometimes, i feel that im not putting much effort. you know.."doa tapi tk berusaha, tk berguna!".. maybe im not finding the answer hard enough. i should've surfed the net..checked out schools..done a few surveys and enquiries..much earlier. but, i just didnt have the mood or enthusiasm to do so. but im not a total lazy bum ok? nor do i "menantikan nasi disajikan ke mulut"!

i've laid out a few options. just a few. but now it seems like i have none. hey! im not saying that i DONT have any options left a.k.a clueless, but it just seems like it. or feel like it.

you see, my main problem here is INTEREST and STUDY. im such a GODDAMN boring person, "SUNGGUH JUMUD, BEKU!", that i dont know what im actually interested in and that includes what course of study i want to do. i keep saying - or aking: "WHAT DO I WANT? WHAT DO I LIKE? DONT I HAVE ANY CLUE?"

and im worried that i - or rather, my parents - will not have enough money to send me to a good insitution. what about scholarships, you ask? "kan anti pandai..you have the brains n talents.. result mesti bagus punye.." yeah, right! WHAT IF someone else deserves it more than i do? WHAT IF i dont meet the requirements? WHAT IF the scholarship people think that my parent earns enough - or more than enough - to support my studies? WHAT IF i dont get a good o level result? WHAT IF the due date for application has come and gone?

money, money, money...even though i've been saving up since secondary 1 or 2.. i still dont have enough money. coz the money's been spent somewhere else.. but NOT for selfish reasons, ok?! hmmm.. when i think again, maybe i should've tied myself, prevented myself totally from a few treats and stuff. i shouldnt have spent NOTHING for myself. that would've saved some of the money. but still... i have responsibilities. i cannot be selfish. i must help my family. im a good girl, aint i? i must help. i cannot keep my money hidden when my parents are financially troubled.. hmmm..so i guess, my savings all those years couldnt help me pay my registration fee, let alone tuition fees!...


OH HECK! WHAT HAVE I BLABBERED HERE??!! i dont want to complain..i dont want to sound like im complaining..or seeking sympathy..IM NOT! i just writing this so i can be more acceptable of it.. so i know my own tangled feelings, long stashed somewhere in my head.

there's more..but im writing nothing else about WHAT I FEEL, WHAT I THINK coz im lost for words. you should know by now that im not good at describing, putting my feelings and thoughts into words. that's why my essays are never good enough.

anyway, enough self-pity! read the conversation below if you want to know how i got my first clue. it was between me and my senior, on sunday. night.


[SORRY, THE CONVERSATION HAS BEEN DELETED UPON REQUEST]


and so, i've made a decision not to go to IIS. i've asked Allah to "tetapkan hati ini bila Engkau telah menunjukkan jawapannya, agar aku tidak berubah hati, tidak dipengaruhi oleh bisikan syaitan yang sentiasa ingin menanamkan keraguan..." as im writing this, i still stand firm to my decision. and im praying that Allah will show me more 'clues' leading to the final answer..


"Ya Allah, jika jawapanMu hampir atau sudah berada di hadapanku, maka terangkanlah mataku dan hatiku untuk melihatnya..."